Published August 14, 2011
Theoretically thinking,
the space from thine eyes
to his weak but steady frame
is longer than the Earth to the sun.
With a careless whisper,
a disease begins burning him from the inside
his lifeline slows to a trembling trickle
while I stand watching from afar.
Down to thy knees,
I pray to the Lord for a miracle
the skies turn gray and weep
sounds of sorrow sing from my chest.
I breathe words to him,
"Thou shalt not let the evil win you over."
"Hold the strength of an army inside you."
He nods his head and drifts off to sleep.
Till the morning dawn breaks,
and his soul flees his dead vessel
I find myself alone in an angel's embrace
her frozen lips stuck to my cheek.
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i thought this was really good! kind of Shakespeare-like but it was fantastic! i could really picture the "trembling trickle" which was great alliteration. it was a bit confusing in the beginning, but overall, great job!
No it was not confusing at all I loved it and I really hope you will keep it up my Favorite part is.Till the morning dawn breaks,
and his soul flees his dead vessel
I find myself alone in an angel's embrace
her frozen lips stuck to my cheek. I love it it was awesome so yeah I will follow you too love it.
I loved reading this, so much imagery!! That's the best in a poem!! I'm glad that it was featured, I still would have read it, though, because you chose such a beautiful title. Good job and keep writing!!
Not bad. The title is a bit misleading. It makes it sound like it's gonna be another sappy breakup poem when it's actually something way better and more real. If there are any real complaints, I'd have to say that it was a bit confusing. But I like it when people use old English. It makes me feel like Harry Potter or Shakespeare or something. I liked your imagery, and your morbid emotion and everything. This would be even cooler if you could pull off a rhyme scheme though. It's just something to think about in the future if you want to make the poem appeal to more audiences, or if you're just bored and uup for the challenge. The beginning and ending were both pretty strong, too, and the middle was good. So basically the whole poem rocked. Keep it up and I'll keep reading. I hope my review helps.
you def have a solid, original, but not overly flowery approach to your imagery that works quite well. I felt the use of the old time language to feel stiff and disjointed, not to mention thine eyes is a more suitable turn of phrase, it doesn't wuite sinc with what is a more modern style of writing used throughout here.
It should also be "he nods HIS head". he not nodding the other person's head, but his own at this moment.
the final line is a bit odd, whose frozen lips are these? there's a sudden introduction of a mystery woman never hinted at till now and this leaves me a little confused as to the work's focus.
Aside these issues I amit I loved the last stanza and overall this is a very unique piece.
keep it up!
i definitely thought the last stanza was the best.
"Till the morning dawn breaks,
and his soul flees his dead vessel
I find myself alone in an angel's embrace
her frozen lips stuck to my cheek."
as said above, i really have nothing to say as for improvement. its a beautiful poem, and i love this type of poetry. keep writing
Wow, I loved how the opening and the closing were some of the most epic lines. ^-^
Beautiful!My personal favourite line was:
The thought that was put into it really paid off. The verses are written beautifully, but the sentence structure was a little rough. Maybe you should think of revising or rearranging some of them?
It reminded me of the Bible in a sense, which I enjoyed.
Over all, I loved this pieces. Bravo
Charade---<3
Hello, I am new here to this site.
That was a beautiful poem, showing the love and care this person had for another person even though they were sick and dying. My only suggestion is that you should write a rhyming version of this poem.
Wow. While this was a tiny bit confusing to me (but then, I'm tired, and generally don't understand things when tired xP), it was very powerful. Your imagery was amazing, as were your descriptions. You seem to know exactly which words to use where. At first, I was thrown off by 'thy,' but it actually worked out well. All in all, this is pretty much amazing! c:
I must say, I do like that line. Maybe it's the alliteration in 'trembling trickle' that makes it sound as darkly interesting as it does, maybe not, but your wording is spectacular.
I really have no comment on improvement, because I don't think you can make this any better than it already is. This was definitely worth reading, though oddly dark. Great job!