Sliding into the front seat I grip the steering wheel tightly, first day of school. Junior year, second year at this school. Transferred halfway through freshman year, forced to attend school unwillingly.
I think like this for several seconds, my thoughts are choppy and short. My heart races, I’m nervous even though I’ve been going to school here for a while. But this year feels different, I’m older now. I care less about what others think, but most of all is I just… feel changed. After getting taken this summer I feel stronger, more able. But I also have that feeling of fear, fear because of him, what if he comes back. Please stop thinking about that Admira, I tell myself. It will only get worse; I can’t let him control me anymore, he’s gone anyway.
Turning into the parking lot I see my friends waving to each other, hugs and claps on the back are dispersed. I find a parking spot next to them; they don’t notice me. They’re all standing in circle waiting for the doors of the school to open. Getting out of the car I grab my beaded shoulder bag, as I walk towards them they all grow silent and still. Quick looks are directed at me, “Hi Admira, I’ve got to get something from my car real quick.” Cassie says this without looking me in the eyes, Josh follows her. His eyes are trained on the floor as he passes me, the others in the group include: Miles, Kate, and Emma. Miles and Kate look at each other and walk quickly towards the school doors, which have just opened seconds earlier.
Emma is the only one still standing there; she looks up into my eyes and smiles. “How are you doing,” She asked softly; I see concern in her eyes.
“Just fine and dandy,” I reply with a smile. She’s the greatest friend ever, the others treat me like a walking zombie after they found out I was kidnapped and found. But she… she understands sort of, even though it’s never happened to her, she understands.
“Well that’s good,” She says as we walk side by side into the school. As I walk to my locker she gives me a small smile and waves her hand goodbye.
*******************************
Not finished.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,560 Literary Works • 673,435 Reviews
This is a very good piece. You only need to work on the paragraphs I feel they are too bunched up. Other than that keep it up.
I didn't like this as an opening. You explain this later that it is how the narrator thinks, but it turned me off. Not one of the sentences is complete.
Trained? I don't think that's the word you're looking for. Also, putting this many characters (even if it's only 3) in at a time can be a bit confusing to the reader. You may know the characters, but we don't. Keep that in mind, and try to describe them separately or in more detail. You could say 'my friend Emma' or something like that.
It just needs a question mark rather than a comma.
This piece was ok, I was just sort of bored by the end since no real action took place. Maybe it would be more interesting if you made the first chapter a flashback to her kidnapping. Other than that, it has a lot of potential in later chapters.
FMS
Yo,
I read this fragment, it was nice, dynamic style.
Two sentences which I suggest need some attention:
I think like this for several seconds, my thoughts are choppy and short. - here, in the previous introductory sentences, she is not thinking as such, but rather telling us about stuff. So perhaps she should not 'think like this', but think of something specific, or look at the landscape or feel some emotion or bodily sensation. It's a good sentence, but it's not well related to the previous ones. Give it another look to see what can be done.
hugs and claps on the back are dispersed
v. dis·persed, dis·pers·ing, dis·pers·es
v.tr.
1.
a. To drive off or scatter in different directions: The police dispersed the crowd.
b. To strew or distribute widely: The airplane dispersed the leaflets over the city.
2. To cause to vanish or disappear. See Synonyms at scatter.
3. To disseminate (knowledge, for example).
4. To separate (light) into spectral rays.
5. To distribute (particles) evenly throughout a medium.
v.intr.
1. To separate and move in different directions; scatter: The crowd dispersed once the concert ended.
2. To break up and vanish; dissipate: The storm clouds had dispersed by noon.
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/disperse
Additional comments: at the times she does think stuff to herself, perhaps putting it in italics would be a good idea. Also, as you introduce characters, attach to each one a piece of dress, or hair, or makeup, or shoes, or height, or something. Just one element out of which they are composed will be enough to up the reality of the scene
Good luck
Huh...not so sure about this. One, Junior is the third year? I understand she transferred, but saying that it's her junior and second year at the school kind of off sets some things. The next sentence seems like something that could be placed through out the story instead of dumping it in the beginning.
If you ever have a chance to read some of my posts, you will learn that I'm down right in love with creative names: Octavia, Celeste, Chromelia, Lucifer, Felix, Felipe, Pierre, etc. This just won my heart over <3
I feel like there should be a coma after 'lot'.
I'm kind of a coma-nazi. You need one after 'car' and 'them'.
Since found is repeated here, maybe replace the first found with a word like 'learned' or something.
Coma-nazi moment: coma after locker!
Hmm, overall I'm not sure how I feel about this. Not that "it doesn't seem romantic" because I'm a huge believer on that a good romance story will wait a few chapters before actually involving the romance. But, what I mean is that this was short and all I got out of it was:
It's her Junior year
She was kidnapped
Her friends feel awkward.
For a first chapter, you want a substancial basis, a nice introduction to pull your reader in and make them want to go on to the next chapter. I feel like if there was a chapter after this, I would need to push myself to read it.
Hope that didn't burst your ego! Just trying to help.
If you have any questions, PM me!
I like the name Admira! Kind of a weird beginning but once you explained her thoughts it made more sense! It doesn't seem like those people are really her friends. I would like you to write more so I could give a better review, I don't have much to work with. I like it so far and I really want to now what happened to her! I also want to know who "him" is.
Keep Writing!
-KAH