Published November 28, 2011
Laughing in our boats
of roses and violets.
Waves push us ashore.
We tumble out
of our addiction
and find ourselves
falling away from
each other.
You reach for my hand
as I reach for yours,
but I can't find it.
Your eyes are crystal,
and as you watch me,
you search mine for roses,
but you don't find any.
So your crystal eyes,
shatter.
You glance away
with eyes of daggers.
I reach inside myself,
feel my warm beating heart.
I take it out and study it,
until I find that you,
are no where inside.
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140,501 Literary Works • 673,256 Reviews
I love this poem a lot.
This was my favorite stanza.
Keep writing!
Hi Snick! It's Al again for a revue!
Well I really love the overall concept of your work. I easily understood the theme it exemplifies and the message you want to tell the readers. He left you because of one short moment. It was both sad and cold. But it is beautifully written. I also like your creativity in putting up a scene and your figurative speech!
The stanza above was beautifully written, and I think it's the most important part of the poem. But it lacks a certain explanation because it happened so quickly. Try to check-up on that!
That's the only things I want to say, so, that's all, thanks for reading Al's Kudos Revue!
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The last stanza is what really got me. I could just see that scene so vividly and "Crystal Clear". Aha corny pun, my bad. Loved your poem! keep it up!
The first period should be a comma or perhaps a dash, otherwise it reads like the first two lines and the third are unrelated.
One word.
Your enjambment felt quite awkward throughout this piece, especially in the second stanza. Keep in mind that, when a line ends, there's a pause as your readers' eyes move from the end of that line to the next. While the pause isn't as long as a comma's pause, it is still substantial, and having it placed in a strange place can really break the flow of the poem, making it feel choppy and disjointed, especially since ending a line with a word tends to put quite a bit of emphasis on that word.
The easiest way to catch issues with flow is to read your poem aloud, or have someone read it to you, and take note of where things sound awkward or off. Playing around with your line breaks is also a good idea to see if a different configuration works and sounds better.
Right now, the line breaks drew a lot of attention to themselves rather than fading into the background. As a result, most of the line breaks detracted from the poem rather than enhancing it.
Heaps good poem. Your words are very well used. Love it! Keep writing
Ohhai there, snickerdooly.
You're a great poet, I'll start by saying that. You take words, and a simple situation, and then transform it into art, that is what a good writer does. Kudos on that. The only thing that I'd say, and you could just ignore me if I don't make sense, is that you should make patterns when you write a poem. And by that I mean, group the same amount of lines in each stanza. I think it'd look more professional, but then again that's just my opinion.
~Solly<3