What a Waste... (Removed)

Okay, so... interesting.

Smorgh--(a compliment coming up)--you can really grab the reader, hold on to them tight, shake them, never let go of them, and then when you do they still want you to hold on.

That was true of this script.

The main problem, however, was the distinction between the two stories. How do they connect? Is it the poem itself describing Kai, or Kai describing the poem, or to show the difference between old-fashioned and modernicity? Mmmm?

I don't get it. You should bind the two stories together more carefully.

This was still good, though.

I'm thinking that they are the ones in Sierra Leone; it certainly adds a new depth to everything, especially Alison's suicidal tendency. Truly a beautiful little script, dear smorg!

Well, I think this could be very good with a bit more work. I didn't think the dialiuge was natural, and I was confused as to who Kai and Ameyo were. You need to explain that in the beginning.

I'll have a guess as to where Kai and Ameyo are. Is it a place like Iraq? You mentioned 'bad men' so it makes me think as if they're in a war-torn contry.

Anyway, it was very deep and with a bit more work could be a very good poem.

I thought I'd follow through with a second post on this, since I've gotten a couple things I wanted to touch upon.

The first is that I apologize for not putting the in-text stage directions in italics. As I explained to jacquelinemi, they are in italics in my original word document. They aren't in the post because.... I'm just lazy.

Secondly, a couple of people have suggested I incorporate the poem into the story. Before I sign off on the idea, I wanted to know if anyone could muster a suggestion for how this could be done. I'm not going to add a narrator and just read it point blank in the beginning or ending. The main structure of the play is the inconclusive beginning or ending. I possibly would put the poem in the program if this short was ever performed, but that would be bordering on pretentious.

Also, some plot points;
+ I'm not sure if Alison commits suicide. Does she?
+ I threw in a hint towards Ameyo and Kai's location. I'm curious how many people have a good guess as to where they are. Kitty said she didn't understands, so I'd like to know if this is the case for everyone else.
+ Decisive ending. How much we love thee. But I ended it purposely on a rather an ellipse. This clearly isn't the whole story, if I wanted to make this into a feature length play, then I'd have much more background, (before the war, Kai and Allison would be pen-pals!) and a proper ending. In this case, I feel it's better if fade in and fade out.

But comments please. Comments appreciated.

it was interesting...I liked the juxtaposition of the hopeful but dying Kai, and the superficially grieved Alison....

a suggestion: put your parethetical stage directions in italics also, since it makes the distinction between them and the actual lines more automatic....without the italics, a reader (or at least I) would first read it and then register that they are stage directions

I also read the poem, and they both make much more sense when read toghether....maybe you should try to find a way to incorporate them.....

all in all, I liked the Ameyo/Kai sections....I guess I find that kind of hope much more depressing and genuine than Alison's suicide

bye!
Jacqui

i really really liked the script version of this. the poem was good too but i really got the message in the script. i loved the split stage!!! that is so creative! and while the play isn't long, you definitely got your point across. if you were handing this to a group of performers you might want to correct the small error here.


"(feebly: the actor should know that Kai is dying)"
i'm assuming the audience should know that Kai is dying, not the actor.

all in all, it was really good. i especially liked the part where Alice mentions the coup in sierra leon. it connected everything and that was when it became clear to the reader/viewer what your purpose was in writing this play. nce job!
~abby~

I thought this was interesting but it needs a more conclusive ending and I have a few small suggestions -

Ameyo: Kai! Please, It won’t do any good to go to sleep! ['It' shouldn't have a capital.]

Ameyo: Why did they not do anything about the men? Why didn’t they kill them?... [I'd delete the ellipse.]

Ameyo: But why...? [Again, I think you should remove either the ellipse or the question mark.]

Alison: I like it! I really like the part in the middle...(listening) yeah I might use that in [s]mine[/s] my latest too... (listening) Here, let me read it:

She fumbles for her notebook, finds it and reads.

[s]Alison:[/s] Yeah. How does this sound? (reading) I walk among – break - the wilted carnations – break – every time – break - I go to sleep – break – In my thoughts – break – I see – break – only in black and white.

Listens for a long time. Nods.

[s]Alison:[/s] I was going to mention hypocrisy next too! You know like “I see people’s lies as they utter false truths.”… [No need for the ellipse because you have pause as a stage direction.]

Pause

[s]Alison:[/s] You like it?… so do I… (giggles) … I’ll call you when I finish… sure … kay… bye…! [End with an exclamation mark, not an ellipse.]

She shuts her phone with a snap. Switch.

I liked this story. I liked the fact that their situations were not explained, but through the story you could see each character, and figure out what they are going through.

-bobiscool

wow. That was very interesting. It drew me to it. I really like your ideas and how you put it all!
Good job!
I know that it is good. I am an actor and I have allot of experience doing plays. I did one quite similar to yours a while ago...I was playing a part almost like Alison's

~ Gwen

Nice.

Yeah, I know that's not very much, or very helpful, but it was nice. It didn't have much of a plot, but it was... sweet? I don't know. But nice, def.