Cold Cuts
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I read poems about cutting.
And I wondered,
what’s all the fuss about?
So I tried it.
I got a loaf of earnest bread,
cut off a few thin slices,
and in-between them
I laid strips of turkey,
a slab of cheddar,
some sections of red tomato,
and a little pickle, shaped like a coin, and
sculpted with ridges.
I took my sturdy sandwich
with me outside
to eat as I mowed the lawn,
then cropped the hedge,
and lastly pruned the begonias.
I thought,
There’s something to this cutting thing
After all.
I went back into the house,
walked up to the bathroom,
grabbed my razor,
and gave myself a good shave.
For good measure,
I also trimmed my nails,
to just where I like them.
Afterwards, I felt like a million bucks.
I went to a club
that night, clean and free,
and danced for hours.
I met a girl there,
and I told her about the cutting.
She said it wasn’t really her thing,
but perhaps, there was something
that we could put together instead?
So we tried it.
Lying in bed, her warm body curled
in mine, I thought that in the end,
you can’t keep cutting away at life.
You’ve got to build it.
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140,846 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Hi Smorgishborg,
I really enjoyed this. It's very clever!
The provocative first stanza is very effective. I love "Earnest bread", and the detail with which you describe the sandwich-making.
I think that the third stanza is a little bumpy. Try reading it aloud. Maybe try something like;
"I took my sturdy sandwich
with me and went outside
and ate it as I mowed the lawn,
and cropped the hedge,
and lastly pruned the begonias.
I thought,
There’s something to this cutting thing
After all. "
I think that something like that would work as I think the second line needs to be longer, and I think by repeating "and" the sandwich isn't being forgotten, because otherwise it's "I brought my sandwich outside to eat as I did this, and then I did this, and then I did this." It would also work to put a full-stop after "lawn" and then the sandwich bit can be over and the next few lines can focus solely on the gardening.
I love the tone and imagery of the fourth stanza, but I'd cut the last line there as it's cliche and doesn't add anything.
Stanza five is great, but I'd change the layout of the first two lines to;
"I went to a club that night,
clean and free,"
as I think this flows a tad better.
It ends nicely and the contrast is effective.
I really enjoyed this.
Hope this helps.
Jas
I loved your poem!
i liked these lines the best because if it wouldn't have been for these line, the poem would have been definitely incomplete. these lines give a perfect ending to the poem. and moreover, there is a very deep meaning hidden in them... very true, one can't keep cutting away at life.
what i also liked about your poem was it is written in a very clean language and it doesn't go off the track.
though i felt that if you work on your rhyme and rhythm, your next poems ( if under narrative poetry section) will turn out to be much better...
dude, i really can't get it how poets like you end the poem so beautifully...
i have never been able to do it...( as you'll get to know after reading my poem!)
i am new at giving reviews, and i have tried my best to review your poem...
hope you like it!
xD Smorgishborg, you are brilliant. From being a fellow Vampire Weekend fan, to being the first to review my poem, to this? Fantastic-schmastic.
I have very few negative comments about this, but I'll address those first, just because, you know, I'm feeling rather pessimistic and all that.
I don't think in between is usually hyphenated.
"Laid layers" sounds a little odd in my head.
1) You mow the lawn in the garage? 2) I'd imagine that mowing the lawn while eating and doing all those other household tasks would be rather uncomfortable.
Alrighty. Since I can't find any more ridiculously miniscule things to comment on, I suppose I'll just get to why this poem is so good.
It's because it's peppered with lines like this:
It's the irony. You start out reading the poem thinking it's going to be one of those "guh, my life sucks, pity me" kind of poems, and it just turns out to be about mowing lawns and such. Then you get to the aforementioned line, your mind stalls a bit, and then you realize, "Oh, good, he's just cutting his nails, that's all."
The thing is, I didn't expect this, and you surprised me. Now, I usually don't go for surprises, but I'll make an exception.
Wonderful way to end. The contrast between cutting things away and building things up is so clear-cut (excuse the pun). It's beautifully executed, and you even manage to keep up the irony. With the humor of the poem, you don't expect this little serious insight at the end.
Great job. ^^