This poem is suppose to be over rhymed
and I guess a cutesy short poem
Watch me crash
It happens in a flash
The candle is lit
I can’t control it
I want you
I feel you
I had you
Now I lost you
You have no idea
At school, the children are like the media
I never had the chance
We only had one dance
Everyone got in the way
We have known each other since May
It’s not too hard to please you
I’ll stalk, so sue?
There’s the bell
I cry inside
To know I will not see you until another time
Our faces turn red
To think someday we will wed
I didn’t see you for your heart
Now mine is pierced with a dart
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Canary word: Present
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I thought the flow in this went too fast, even when read slow. I don't know if that made sense but I think it refers to the syllables in each line. I'm not used to seeing a poem structured like this - That rhymes. They tend to have deeper and more meaningful stories behind, so I was surprised when this was so fast and rhyming.
But, this poem does have a lot of potential, and I think it'll be great after a little structural work.
This poem has real potential! You've got some good phrases in there; you just need to narrow it down and get rid of empty rhymes. I would suggest making the lines flow into one sentence, not make every line a new one. Example:
you wrote: I never had the chance
we only had one dance.
It could be changed into something like:
We never had the chance
for another midnight dance.
You know, just to keep the flow going. Good luck!
The real downfall of this poem is that the rhyming is so...bland. It really kills the poem. Rhyming is a good thing for poetry, but sometimes it can be over used to the point that it saturates and ruins the poem.
You could have some really good emotions in this, you just have to work them out in the right way. Think about what you want your reader to feel and think when they read this--depression about leaving them, happiness about the eventual marriage? Bring out the emotions so we can feel with you. Pay attention to the words you choose, because those will have a big influence on what your reader feels. You may not want your lines to be so short and simple as they are now--try being more complex. Why not read some love poems from older times, or modern, and see how they express their emotions?
Hope this helped!