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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hi there, I'm here for the reveiw!
I need to suggest you to proof read this, and correct the puntuation, capital letters, etc. You should follow some rules, since this is not the poetry were you can ignore the grammar and do as you like. If you want people to get your short story seriously, than you need to correct those.
Also, there were a few paragraphs were you just kept using comma over and over for no reason. Use them points, they exist for a reason.
Allright, so when you fix the technical stuff you've got a really nice story that captures an emotional moment for your country. it is really nice and bright topic to talk about. Maybe you could tell us more about how everyone felt before the match, and especially after it, as I've felt like you ended the story too soon.
There are my suggestions, interesting work, keep on writing!
You're welcome!
I noticed that you put spaces before punctuation. I figured that this was a stylistic choice, but i still found it to be off-putting.
Proofread your first sentence. I think that it may be a run on sentence. Even if it isn't, i don't think that it should all just be piled into one sentence like that. It feels awkward.
This format was also repeated, so i figured that it was also a stylistic choice. Either way, i still don't think that it helped the fluency. It felt very awkward. I would suggest proofreading and breaking down the sentences. I do not want you to feel like i am trying to change your style of writing, but if this isn't the point, then it should not be there.
I personally find adults saying OMG to be quite unrealistic. In general, people usually don't use text language with actual speech. Even when they do, it is generally in either a mocking way, or used by children and teens.
Honestly, i would like to review this again. Please don't be too offended, but i honestly thought that it was difficult to read. The errors honestly drove me crazy. I do like how you really emphasized how the match was a very big deal. You have very strong ideas and good intentions. Your execution could use some work, but there were good things in the story. I liked how you expressed the match as a part of their identity and who they are. It is a very good concept, and was prominent in your writing.
thank you