Tears stained Alex’s face as she sobbed in her room. The last three days had been tough. Her parents and sister tried to get her to come out, but they didn’t understand.
‘Go away!’ Alex called to the door behind where her sister stood with a plate of food.
‘Al, come on! I want to help you!’ Called her sister, Fern. ‘If you just open up… look, you’ve been in there for 3 days! You at least need to eat.’
‘I don’t need help. Go AWAY!’ and Alex threw a glass ornament at the door, which shattered as soon as it touched the wood. She didn’t need help. No one understood what was going on. It felt as though she were the only one that had ever been heartbroken. It was true she felt like an idiot for ever trusting someone like Evan, but no one knew what it felt like, just to be close to him, to be in love. Alex sobbed harder at the thought of the word.
‘I j-just want to, to be a-alone!” She stuttered. “I’ll come when… when I’m ready!’ Alex’s words were barely understood, for her tears now fell into her mouth, making it hard to breathe. She threw her head back onto the pillow, which now had a mark from where her head had lay for three days.
‘Come on! It’s pasta for dinner tonight. Mmm…’ Called Fern, attempting to wave some of the smell under the door.
‘I’ll die of heartbreak before I die of starvation!’ Alex called back.
‘Come on! That Evan bloke was a jerk anyway!’
‘I know, and I trusted him! Why do you think I’m so upset?’
‘Well I actually thought it was because you have issues,’ Fern replied jokingly. Alex gulped. This was the one thing she hadn’t told her sister, and they shared everything with each other. There was nothing to say to that comment, so Alex just continued with her signature line, ‘Go away!’ She heard footsteps finally retreat down the stairs and sat up to wipe her tears as she remembered.
3 Days Earlier
Alex scraped the remainder of the blush out of the container as the phone rang. She answered it.
‘Hey, babe!’ she exclaimed when she realised it was Evan.
‘Hi. Um, just calling to say there’s a change of plans. I can’t come out tonight because my parents have this presentation thing for work. Er… I’ll call and arrange another date,’ he said quickly. Alex drooped her head in dismay.
‘Oh, okay. I’ll see you then,’ she said, trying to hide her disappointment. She hung up, falling to the floor. Okay, get a grip, she thought, He’s busy with his parents, not another girl. But she wasn’t so sure, so she pulled herself up from the ground and left the empty house. She locked the door on the way out and walked quickly up the street to Evan’s house.
It was only a fifteen minute walk, but Alex took her time to get there, stopping to smell the roses. She finally arrived at the front. His ruined barbed-wire fence had been cut in the middle as a sort of entrance and the dirt path had random objects lying everywhere. Though the yard was a mess, the house was beautiful stone with untamed ivy racing up towards the slated roof.
Alex gingerly stepped through the hole in the barbed-wire and up the path. She raised her hand to knock on the door, but decided against it. It would be too easy for him to hide if she showed herself. It was time to do some spying. She darted around the back and was greeted with the slobber of Evan's dog, Radish.
"Shoo, Radish. Go on, get outta here," she whispered at the dog. Unfortunately for her, Radish didn't understand and instead jumped up, putting his poors on her chest. "Sit, bad dog! Ow! Stop that." She peeked in the window where she could see the lounge room. No one was in there. She carefully pulled her strapless dress up. It would have been a good idea to change before I left, she thought as Radish continued to slobber on her feet. She walked around a bit further and spotted a ladder behind the shed.
Alex propped it against the house with difficulty. She daintily tiptoed up the rickety wooden ladder, and when she got to the top and peered in the window, she was surprised to see Evan with another man. And they weren’t doing anything that just friends would do. In fact, Alex believed she was doing the exact same thing with Evan just last week.
Being so surprised by what she saw, Alex didn’t notice the gentle crack of wood under her feet, or when she had to readjust her feet when the step she was standing on snapped, but she did happen to notice when the ladder collapsed completely and she fell to the ground with a scream.
"Alex?" It was Evan, leaning out the window. Heart pumping, Alex jumped up, feeling pain in her ankle. It was sprained, but she limped home, as fast as she could, not wanting to speak to her so-called boyfriend.
Now
Alex sat up, finally getting a grip on her emotions. What did it matter if Evan was gay? She wasn’t about to let him steal any more of her life, so being the strongest woman she could be, Alex got out of bed, wiped her eyes and changed out of the dress she was going to wear on her date three days ago. She felt so much better at the thought of getting back into real life. Her stomach rumbled, and for the first time in three days, Alex realised how hungry she was.
She ran down the stairs and saw her family sitting at the table, eating the pasta her sister had offered her. It was all very familiar, and she was looking forward to getting back to it.
“Alex! How good to see you finally. Would you care to join us?” Her mother asked. She nodded and pounced into her seat at the table, shoveling in the pasta. Her hair was scraggly and she was looking thin, so her parents were glad to see her eating.
“Alex, I'm going out to a party tonight after we've finished here. Wanna come?” Fern asked her sister. Alex thought about it, and realised that the reason she got out of bed was because she was over it, so she agreed.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,593 Literary Works • 673,545 Reviews
I agree with Persephoneia.
Could change to crawled around the corner and sat there crying untill you rang your mother to pick you up..It is very well writen like i said before, but it need a bit of change.
She would have needed to eat and drink water. so you could change it to 'Her stomach rumbled again, she hadn't eaten much since she found out about her so called boyfriend."
I like what is written but, she was just sulking while locked away in her room, maybe you could say the party was in a few days or something like that.
Anyways, i loved it Ash.
Love Georgie xxXXxx
Nice piece you have here- I do think that there are perhaps some changes that could be made though. There were some unrealistic parts in this- the transition from being emotionally broken to ready to go out partying was almost immediate, and didn't seem real to me at all. There are also the problems with setting and whatnot already described earlier. I would also include more emotional description in the middle and last part. It takes up the first part, and then abruptly leaves us. In a piece like this, it's really important. She also probably would have passed out from lack and food, and does she have an attached bathroom or something to her room?
Three days is a really long time. Don't forget that.
If someone I knew holed up in their room for three days, I probably would have broken down their door and dragged them out before they could complete the time.
Overall, I think you have a nice story- perhaps make some more more clear/concise, others more realistic, and others more descriptive. I think it would be even better.
Nice write.
-Coral-
Woo hoo! Good job! OK, but I do want to point some things out to you. I didn't notice any spelling or grammar issues; which is the first time I've seen that, so good job in that area. I do think that you should have explained more about the details of Alex like what she was good at, and specifically why she was upset about her boyfriend being gay/bisexual. Did she have a moral in this story? What was the message? All that good stuff.
Proceed your creativity--ASH
Smashles
First up, i love it!
It had all the girly teenage emotions crammed into your main character, the sorrow and the pain of heart break. Also the unusual suprise of finding out her BF was gay.
The only few picky things i have to say is that she definetly would have hurt herself by falling down a ladder. I know how much it hurts to fall a short distance off a ladder so im guessing the height she fell would have broken or sprained something.
Anyway, i think your story has potential and is well writen. loving the layout. Keep writing.
Love Georgie XX
Thanks everyone for the reviews. I've started editing it but am still a bit stuck on the ending. If anyone has any suggestions that'd be great. I started part of an ending but I don't think it's very good...
Hello there, Smash!
The girl could've sprained her ankle or something like that when she fell from a two-stories house and her BF could have heard her shout or yell for pain 
She locked herself in her room for three days and obviously, she could've felt hungry and thirsty. She would look weak and sick by then after she got out from her room, but it looked like nothing happened to her when she went down for dinner. A first heartbreak wouldn't look like that but I understand your MC. I was shocked too when the MC found out that her BF was gay. 
This is an interesting story. It had a good flow. A kind of story every teenage girls can relate to. One thing: I too agree with Bondgirl.
For me, it looked unrealistic.
Keep writing!
Peace out!
hiya smashles,
first of all, this is a nice story, and i think you should continue working on this as this has a lt of potentials.
alhtough i foind it a bit awkward that her spying was a bit too perfect for her. i mean without anything to hinder her, she was able to climb on that ladder that fortunately happend to be there, and without any people or dogs or whatever astray in the yard or walking towards the door, i mean i find it too good to be true.
although the hilarity of finding her boyfirend is gay is undoubtedly good. it did not occur to me as a reader that it would turn out that way. althogu i didn't get it, she fell down screaming and the guy did not poked his head out of the window? Futher down your story, i deducted that he did not know that she knew he was gay, right? so that's why she is telling him that there is somebody else. there is tension alright and quite intriguing at that. definitely i would like to see more of this.
you got here a nice piece and it would be great if you'll post the next part.
Hiya! Classy here for a review. Let's get started.
What I really like about this piece is so realistic it is. Most teenage girls are like this: obsessive, controlling, all that stuff. I think your main character hit the nail on the head when it comes to acting like a real teenager.
The only negative things I have to say are
1. the sneaking around the house? That's a little psycho, just saying. And,
2. the boy at the end... That's incredibly ironic and a bit weird. Your older sister hooking you up with an older friend? I don't know any boy that would agree to do that. So you might want to look in to changing your ending? I think the ending would be nicer if she went out in her dress and found a new guy on her own. It would finalize her independence by finding a boy on her own rather than her sister finding one for her.
I really like this! Your writing is good, even if you use ' instead of " with your dialogue. You should look into where to use certain dialogue parks. There are articles on YWS about how to punctuate dialogue.
Alright! Keep writing!
Classy
Hi there Smashles!
. Stuffed animals yes, vases no.
So most of this story is sort of obviously very teenage girl romance-y, which is okay, but in some parts you used things that were so cliche that I just had to laugh. Like the vase? Not many teenage/preteen girls have a favorite vase, or at least none that I know of
Also something that bugged me slightly. When she fell off the latter, how far did she fall? It had to be at least two stories, and you said when she fell, she yelled. Have you ever fallen two stories? Well I haven't but I'm sure that's enough to break something, or at least sprain it, and definitely get the wind knocked out of you. So she couldn't have just taken off, and anyway wouldn't the boyfriend have heard her yell?