Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
Story continues from The Things I Do (Chapter 2-3)
3.
I slowly opened my eyes. I felt like I had been hit by a truck. I looked around groggily. I tried to move my arms, but they stuck fast. Wait a minute…
I couldn’t see. There was something in front of my eyes, on my face. A bag of some sort--some cloth pulled over my head. My heart leapt to my throat.
“He’s awake,” I heard a voice say.
This was my dream, I realized with horror.
I twisted frantically in my seat. I pulled at the rope around my wrists, but they were too tight for me to wiggle out of them.
Footsteps walked toward me, first slowly, then gradually faster. They stopped directly in front of me, and the sack was pulled off my head. I blinked in the suddenly too bright room. A deep feeling of dread flooded in the bottom of my gut. This was my dream. Two figures loomed over me, but all I could see was silhouettes.
Inside, my heart pounded hard against my chest. I struggled to keep my face straight. I wouldn’t let them know I was scared.
“What do you want from me?” I demanded.
The light was so bright, my eyes were still adjusting. A hand fist flew toward my face--there was nothing I could do to avoid it. The fist connected, sending me and the chair to the floor. My ear rang, and I knew that a bruise was already forming on my cheek. I spat on the ground.
“Is that all you got?” I said, laughing.
From ground looking up, I could see that there were three people, excluding myself, in the room. The two above me appeared to be a man and a woman, but I was still somewhat dazed. The other figure was a man, who sat hunched over in a chair at the opposite end of the room. I wondered if he was the one calling the shots. Just behind him, I could see a flight of stairs leading to a door: That was my way out.
The man, a big, bulky guy, reached down and hauled me and my chair up, grabbing me by my shirt collar. The chair legs hit the ground with a thud.
“Hmm,” I said, looking down at my collar, “I liked this shirt.”
Another blow to the face caught me slightly off guard. This time, though, my chair stayed upright. My jaw clicked, and I fought back the urge to cry out in pain.
“Alright. That one hurt a little bit,” I said.
“Enough,” said a woman’s voice. I turned my head back to see a woman with long, dark hair staring at me. “You’re little act isn’t going to get you very far.”
I flashed a toothy smile. “But it will get me somewhere.”
Another punch, this time to the stomach. My breath flew out of me, and with it a small cry. I breathed heavily through my mouth, fighting back the urge to vomit.
“Nice one,” I said shakily.
The man gave a small shrug and folded his arms over his massive chest. The woman sighed and wrenched my head up from my hair. She put her face very close to mine. With her free hand, she reached into her pocket and pulled out a flip blade. She pressed the cold blade to my cheek. I held my breath.
“If I were you, I’d stop acting like this was some game, and start answering some questions,” she whispered. Her eyeshadow glittered in the light almost menacingly. “Nod if you understand.”
I gave a small nod. She pulled the blade away and released her grip. She smiled sweetly at me, knowing full well she had me exactly where she wanted me.
“What do you want from me?” I asked, all the bravado gone from my voice. Suddenly I wasn’t brave--I was the scared boy they wanted me to be. I had no idea what I was dealing with, and they knew it, too.
“Oh, sweetie, perhaps you didn’t hear me right,” she said sarcastically. “We’re the ones asking questions here. And you’re the one tied to a chair.”
She nodded to the man, and he promptly administered another punch to my gut.
I fought for my breath. When I looked up again,the woman leaned real close, holding the side of my face with one hand. “Now you’re going to tell everything you know about the Odin family.”
I spat out blood. “I don’t know anything,” I panted.
She rolled her eyes. Another punch caught my temple. “Honey, you’re going to have to be much more convincing if you expect me to believe you.”
“Please,” I begged. “I don’t know--”
Another punch. My ears rang and the edge of my vision went dark. I welcomed the darkness, but the woman grabbed my chin, drawing me back to reality.
“Oh, no, no. We’re not done yet, Maverick,” she said.
I faintly smelled smoke. For a moment, I thought my powers had come back again. But the man came back into view, and I knew that this time my powers would not be bothered. The man held a piece of smoldering coal held in the grip of an iron tong.
The woman dropped my chin and slid on a pair of gloves before taking the coal in her hand. She leaned in close once more. “Maverick,” she said. “Do you know how hot a piece of coal gets sitting in the fire?”
The woman held the coal in her hand, moving it closer and closer to my face until I could feel the heat radiating off it.
“It can get over a thousand degrees Fahrenheit,” she said as if she were merely reciting the facts, and not threatening me with a thousand degree coal. “I’m going to ask you again: What do you know about the Odin family?”
Sweat beaded on my forehead and rolled down my cheek. My lip trembled.
“I don’t know,” I whispered.
She frowned. “Oh, Maverick. That was really not the answer we were looking for.”
She handed the coal back to the man, who grabbed it with his tongs. She quickly cut the binds around my wrist. She grabbed them before I even had a chance to think though, and tied my right hand--my dominant hand--to the arm of the chair, and wrenched my other hand so that it lay with my elbow extended and my palm facing up on a small wooden table. I tried to yank my hand back, but her grip was too tight, and my hands had fallen asleep they were bound so tight.
“No,” I pleaded, “please.”
She nodded to the man, and he stepped forward with the tongs. He pressed the coal against my forearm.
I screamed and writhed. I tried to wrench my arm away, but the woman held on tight. Still he held the burning coal against my arm. I screamed until tears rolled down my face. I knew nothing but the pain of the hot coal on my arm, making every nerve in my mind twist in torment.
After what seemed like hours, he pulled the coal away.
“No! I don’t know anything!” I said. “Please let me go.”
“Listen,” the woman said. “If you don’t start answering our questions, my friend Rob here is going to keep hurting you. I was asking nicely before. Now I want some answers. How long have you been living with the Guthrie family?”
“Ten years,” I said quickly. “They found me when I was eight.”
“Where?” she demanded. “Where did the find you?”
“I don’t know,” I said, shaking my head. She nodded to the man, Rob, and he pressed the coal against my forearm once more. He held it there for a few moments while I screamed and cried in agony. When he finally pulled away, my skin was blistered and scorched.
“I’m telling the truth!” I said. “I can’t remember anything. I swear, I swear.”
“Fine. Let’s try an easier one,” she said. “Who are your parents?”
I closed my eyes. This was all a bad dream, I told myself. But the smell of burnt hair lingered in the air, and when I opened my eyes I was still in the room, tied to the chair.
I sobbed. “I don’t…”
The woman sighed. She grabbed my wrist and tied it to the chair’s arm. She pulled off her gloves, setting them gently down on the table. She turned back to me and backhanded me across the face.
It hurt, but not nearly as much as what she did next. She took out her blade and pressed it straight down onto one of my burns. I screamed, then gritted my teeth. She pushed the knife down, into my skin. A small drop of blood rolled down my arm and dropped to the ground.
“Stop,” a quiet voice said. At first I thought it was only in my head, but then he spoke again. “Stop, Valerie.”
Immediately the woman pulled her knife away. She looked sheepishly at the man on the other side of the room, near the stairs.
Footsteps walked slowly, confidently, toward me. I stared down at my lap. He stopped walking.
“Put that down,” he said. Valerie dropped her knife on the table with a clatter. Faster than the blink of an eye, the man reached around the chair and put his hand over my mouth. I tried to yell, but his hand muffled the sound. “Shh,” he said. “You think you’re strong now. Wait until we have you for a day. For a week.” He leaned his head close, breathing in my ear, “for a year.”
With only a brief thought, I seized my opportunity: I bit down hard on the man’s hand. I tasted blood, and he yelled, tearing his hand away. I twisted in my chair to see who he was, but Rob was still faster. He socked me hard in the face. I heard an echo through my head. My chair toppled over and my skull hit the concrete floor with a sickening thwack.
I was reeling, but I managed to say through gritted teeth, “I am not weak.”
“Take him away!” the man screamed.
The cord around my ankles and wrists went slack. I was pulled to my feet. The room spun and I stumbled, nearly collapsing. Rob quickly grabbed me before I went down, holding me up clumsily.
“Wait!” the man said, thinking. “Put him in the van.”
Rob hesitated. “Sir?”
“We’re taking him to the Crypt,” the man growled.
Rob tugged me forward. I was half-dragged, half-carried up the stairs and out the door. I had to use all my strength just to hold my head up. Rooms passed by in a blur. I heard a door open and I fell onto the cold, hard floor of a van. My hands were cuffed together, then chained to the floor. It was a prison transport van, I realized. The door was slammed shut. A few minutes passed before the engine started and I felt the van begin to move.
I didn’t move. I don’t think I could’ve moved, even if I tried. I didn’t have the energy or motivation. I didn’t know what the Crypt was, but I had a bad feeling about it.
The van speed up. I slowly raised my head and pulled myself into a sitting position, baring my teeth against the pain.
I was pitched against the side of the van unexpectedly. I groaned and pulled myself back up. It felt like something had rammed into us. It hit us again and I was thrown to the back of the van. The chain around my wrists yanked painfully, keeping me from rolling around too much. This time, I stayed down, lying flat on my stomach.
Once more the van was hit, and I felt the wheels slide underneath us that made my stomach drop to my feet. The van turned on its side, jostling me around. Luckily, the force was strong enough to break the chain handcuffing me to the floor, but my hands were still stuck together. The van landed, and I fell down hard on my shoulder. We slid a few feet before skidding to a halt.
I heard a car door opened. Two shots were fired, then silence. I held my breath, my blood pounding in my ears. I stared intently at the doors of the van. Please, Uriah, I begged silently, Please let it be Gerard.
The doors of the van were forced open. A woman stood on the other side, a semi-automatic rifle slung across her shoulder. I could tell instantly that she was a Wick. I braced myself. She tossed her head, making her long black hair bounce. She looked me over with quick, intelligent eyes.
“Oh, God,” she said to herself, frowning. Then, over her shoulder she shouted, “We got him.”
I seized my opportunity. With all the strength I had left, I flung myself at her. She turned just in time to see me, and dodged out of the way. I tripped, having missed my target, and tumbled out of the van into a not-so-graceful heap. I got myself on one knee, but was overcome with a sudden wave of nausea. I held up a hand defensively, but I was outmatched. I was too weak.
I felt something pinch me in my neck. A man stepped away from me as I twisted around, and I saw the glint of a needle in his hand. My own hand flew to my neck, but I knew it was too late. I began to see spots. I wavered uncertainly, and put out a hand to hold me up. I was overcome with an intense need for rest. I fell to the ground, telling myself, I’ll only sleep for a little bit. I closed my eyes. The second before I drifted into unconsciousness something nagged at the edge of my mind. I knew it was important, but it slipped through my fingers.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hey there. I've read a chapter previous to this, the one where he first gets the dream actually. Nice foreshadowing, it definitely made this scene more interesting.
I can't find anything grammatically wrong with this, but it still read weird, as in, I had to read over it a few times to understand it. Consider rephrasing.In my past review I mentioned cutting out unnecessary thats, and I'm just letting you know that there are a few I think you can cut out in this chapter too.
I have just two little nitpicks for you:
Grammatically speaking it should be open, not opened/ However, in my last review I mentioned cutting out the "I heard, I saw, I knew, I felt, etc..." because we already know if it's in the narration your character is seeing them, hearing them, feeling them, etc... So you could also change it to: "A car door opened."
I had one question. Why did the man stop the torture and decide to move him to the crypt? I didn't understand his motivation here. It it because he think Maverick won't crack? It seems to me like they haven't been torturing him for long enough to come to that conclusion. Seems like it had to be an hour or two before they decided to move him. I mean, they just brought out the knives! Granted, I've never been tortured, so I don't know.
Although, the fact that he never saw the man's face is interesting... and maybe it means something? If that's the case then you don't have to change the man's actions, just Maverick's reaction to it. If he's confused about why they're moving and why the man told them to stop, then it will feel realistic.
I cold also be I've missed something by not reading the other chapters, that's definitely a possibility.
Other than that I have nothing to critique. Your torture see was exquisite!.. ly horrible, of course. In a good way. It was so intense, and I found myself squirming thoughout it. I think you did a wonderful job of characterizing Maverick. I'm assuming this is is first time, so of course he's going to scream, and even give in a little, but he still manages to hold his head high and resist. I also love the woman, valerie, she gave me chills.
I hope to read more of this in the future, so hopefully you don't get sick of me. xD
Thanks for sharing!
-Art
Hello again, Flite here for another review!
*CLICHE ALERT* *CLICHE ALERT*, please don't use something as cliche as that. Like I said I'm sure you can find better descriptions to describe pain or shock, or waking from a nightmare then I've been hit by a truck. I believe you can do better, so do better.
Nice description hear, good use of sentence length too. So, what's up with the earlier truck? This is intriguing too, dreams eh? I wonder what's going on, if the protagonist is in his dream and that he's aware of it. Shouldn't he have the power to stop it, or the wake himself up from it?
Except for the first comma, omit every other comma. It makes the sentence flow better, no need for pauses there. If you don't believe me, you can try reading it out-loud. If you think is still better with the commas, by all means keep them.
XD, hmm, I'm starting to like this guy. I assume that it is a guy. I don't mind humor in stories, especially well place humor. It really shows the character's personality. So, good job.
You're should be your.
Given the situation here, I don't think the 'almost' before the menacingly is needed. I'm not you, but from what I've seen so far of the woman. Just going straight out and saying that her eyeshadow glittered in the light menacingly would be fine, in fact it would make her threat much more authoritative and define her role in the story as an antagonist.
Ohh, I like this.
Ok, that's 'the woman leaned real close' in twice within the same chapter. Using the same description twice is stretching it a bit. Imagine it as a comedian reusing old jokes twice in the same show, it doesn't make an impact on the audience. same goes with writing, instead of saying she leaned real close. Which is a classic case of telling the readers, try instead to describe her mannerism as she leaned in close. Focus on the details, the way her eyes looked, where she placed her arms, her posture? Describe it to us, the trick to mastering showing and telling is that whatever you write. You want the readers to think that they've made the decision, because that way they will empathize with it a lot stronger.
For example:
If I told you that Fred was bastard, I told you that. It probably didn't make a very deep impression on you. Alright, this person told me Fred is a bastard, so what?
But if I told you that, Fred kicked a injured puppy. That'd make a difference, because from that action you'd draw the conclusion that Fred is a bastard. And because you[b/] drew that conclusion, you're much more likely to agree to it.
I know writing long sentences and description isn't your style, but honestly believe me. Figurative language can make a big difference, there are a lot of places in your chapter where that can be easily slotted. You need to show us things, not just telling us the entire story. You, and I'm looking at this rather cynically, as the author is to entertain the reader. If you want a captivating story, then we must be able to visualize and relate to it. Is one of the main reasons as to why we read, to get the sense that we're not alone. So instead of telling us everything, such as my vision went dark. Describe that darkness to us instead.
Powers? What powers? Is this a foreshadowing I see.
Lips, not lip. Unless you're talking about the upper or lower lip, in that case state which one it is. Otherwise, is plural.
Ok, that was the climax of that scene. You could have made a very dynamic, I was actually waiting for something big to happen and that there was only that single please. (insert my slightly disappointed face here). I mean, Maverick would be pretty desperate by now right? So is he being so cool about it? I really thought he would beg more, or at least make the situation more urgent. *sighs* It was slightly anti-climatic if you ask me.
CLICHE ALERT! Also, you've used 'what seemed like hours' previously as well. Variation matters.
Alright, no obtrusive tagging is good but in here. Maybe some action to define the mood would be nice. Maverick would be frantic now, given that he doesn't seem to stand the coal very well earlier and he's crying. I know you used exclamation marks but that isn't enough to show the panic. You could add 'panting' 'struggling' or any signs to describe just how desperate he is.
You know considering his earlier reaction, this seems to be somewhat contradictory. She pushed a knife into his burns, all he did was scream? Come on, I know you can do better.
I really doubt there would just be one small drop of blood, it would a line more like.
to hold my head up.
The 'just' is not needed here, because it has already been implied earlier by the phrase 'I had to use all my strength'.
The ending wasn't bad, it was a nice cliffhanger in fact. Yet I think your sentence needs to be finished, 'it slipper through my fingers' like that? Is a half-completed simile, anything can slip through your finger. In what fashion did it slip your finger? I know I'm being pedantic, but it's the little details that count. Not to mention, the sentence sounds unfinished.
I really need to find the other chapters to your story and read them by again, because is obvious that I've missed a lot. The plot seems to be really interesting, I don't usually read supernatural stories. But this is seem to be a worth-while read, I will comment a bit on the characters as well. I really like Maverick, he's a fun guy, a bit insecure. He's got a nice sense of humor, and despite trying to appear brave he buckles down like everyone else. He's quite an ordinary guy I suppose, but he's likable. Because I haven't read the other chapters, I can't comment on the rest of the cast. You develop your characters really well though, you've mastered the trick of developing them through your dialogue. So no stress there.
The pacing to your plot is evenly paced as well, what I would say you need to work out is trying to vary your word use. And trying to add in some more descriptions, whether it is emotional or setting-wise.
Keep me updated if you do upload more of this story, I'd love to read more. If you have any questions please feel free to PM me.
-Flite