"It's like clockwork, you see. 6:45, Dad comes home. 6:46, mom greets him.'
Hi honey!' She'll say.
'Nice insert furniture item here.' He'll grunt.
'How was your day?' She'll ask, trying to distract him.
'As usual.' He'll respond. 'Would've been better if I had a house to come home to instead of this shit-shack.'
Ah, yes, every day he comes home and greets us with this lovely comment. It's never the same, of course. He gets creative: like on Monday he called it a pigsty. Tuesday? Reckage. Now it's Friday and it's a shit-shack.
Anyway, after this mom will say:
'Don't start.'
'I'm not starting anything!' He'll say, putting his hands up. 'What? I'm not allowed to talk?'
'Of course you're allowed to talk, but do we have to do this in front of her?'
Time for the classic 'We-can't-argue-in-front-of-the-kid' bit. Like that ever works.
'Sure, let's not have a simple conversation in front of our daughter.' He'll counter, as if this is just a 'simple conversation'.
'I'm not doing this now.' Mom will say.
'What are we doing?!' Dad will yell.
No fight's complete without yelling.
'Don't yell.' Mom will try in vain to calm him down.
'I'm not yelling.' He'll yell. 'Now I am. Happy?'
'I'm not talking to you when you're like this.' She'll walk away.
'DON'T WALK AWAY FROM ME!' He'll yell.
'Leave her alone!' I'll intervene, fully aware of what's to come.
'Don't.' Mom will say. 'Just go to your room. I'll call you for dinner.'
And I do go to my room. And she does call me for dinner. Then we go to bed. Then we go to work, or in my case, school. And then: 6:45, Dad comes home. 6:46, Mom greet's him.
'Nice insert furniture item here.'
Just
like
clockwork."
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Ello hello there :3 I'm here to review this small fragment of narrative. Let's begin shall we?
I also want to say that I like the way you describe everything, there's a lot of economy in here, but too much might harm your writing, which is the case here.
So I'd like to begin by saying that this is a very well written piece. I couldn't find any sort of grammatical faults so kuddos
By using too much economy you end up with plain and telling-like experiences. A good example is how the conversation scaled: In literally three pieces of speech, a fight is started with no actual reason, which (imo, and don't feel offended please) is just ridiculous. My recommendation would be to abound more here; there are two ways to do this: One is to simply write more dialogue to a point a fight starting makes sense, or add an external component out of the mother's control to start the fight (i.e. the father gets home drunk thus wants to fight).
Other negative too much economy can bring is the lack of imagery. You used one metaphor, which is "Just like clockwork." Don't get me wrong, I like it, and I'm not saying you should add more metaphors, what I'm saying is that you should grow more in it. Make more comparisons related to the metaphor, make the father a gear, and the mother the oil that keeps it running, etc. This way you will bring more life and emotion to your writing.
Overall it's a good piece, short and direct, just as I like it. Only thing I see kind of wrong is the overuse of economy, which in this case damaged the strength of your writing.
Keep writing
That's the point I was trying to make. Fights, in my experience, start for no reason. That's all. Thanks for the review!
I thought that this was a pretty good story about an unstable family. It showed how this concept is usually an everyday thing to these kids, sadly. I thought that you really portrayed the thoughts and the emotions within the character, and how scary and repetitive this really is for people who expirence this. I look forward to seeing some more of your work.
Thank you!
The story is very sad and emotional. Something that is very realistic and happens in many houses even if we want to stop it. Sometimes the reason for it is simple or something the ones who are arguing even can not point out by themselves. So sadly to be told that this situation is a very realistic one. The way you had used different fonts and ways to write the speech and different moments from this story is very interesting which made my eyes go from one point to other, trying to find the next line which I find as something new and not that bad in this situation if it is not overdone. Overall, I really liked this work and its deepness and meaning. 'Nice insert furniture item here.' is the part I do not really understand. Maybe it has deeper meaning than I think.
You need one more ' symbol at the start as I suppose it needs to be by your way of writing the speech of the characters.
This is a very sad world seen by the eyes of a small child that tries to help but can not do it.
Good job and keep on writing.
This is so my parents. Am I right or am I right, @Savvy?
This is a very real and brilliant piece. It feels like you really put a lot of thought and emotion into it. The anonymity of it all just highlights this common, yet dismal, situation. It comes off as very polished, very clean. So clean, in fact, that it makes the situation seem even worse, because of how detached the narrator is. I commend your work on this, and hghly anticipate reading more of your work.
Thank you!