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Young Writers Society



My story I worte when I was 12

by slytherinseeker


THE BEST 5 ABOVE GROUND

The President of the U.S.A walked into the room to talk to Peter Cosgrove. They have an important job. Even though they are from different countries they still had to team up together along with a man named Jack Lewis. Peter and Jack have been working together to find the best 5 men they can to go in space and land on the planet Mars to defeat a big bug. They are here to see what the President thinks. “Well Mr. President, Jack and I have made some tough decisions to pick the best 5. They will come in here one at a time and tell you their background. Oh, and one other thing, as Jack is a Time Warper, you may be shocked by some of the candidates of the top five!’’

The first man came into the room “Hello Mr. President, my name is Jonathan Harker. I am the man who defeated a great monster by the name of Dracula. I have done many things to get this job done. I’m smart, fit and very brave”. Jonathon took a seat next to Jack.

The next man came through with a grin on his face. “My name”, he said, “is Muhammad Ali, I became the heavyweight Champion Boxer of the world. I’m strong, I’m pretty, I’m fast, I can’t possibly be beat. It would be wrong not to pick me”. He then took a seat next to Jonathan Harker looking much younger than he really is now.

The next man now walked into the room with some quite different clothes compared to the other two. “Mr. President, my name is William Wallace and I fought very well in many battles to try and free Scotland. As you may expect I’m very happy with Scotland (He picked up a map showing him that Scotland was free) I can fight well with a sword, axe and my fists.”

He sat down as the next man came in. “I may look like an old man to you but I can fight in battles and use my magic to do great things. My name is Gandulf the White. I fought many battles and was once in a Fellowship that help saved Middle- Earth.” He sat down with a smile on his face.

The last man came in and said, “ The name’s Bond, James Bond. I’m a British spy and have been for many years.”

As he sat down Peter said “Are these men efficient enough to you Mr. President?” The president nodded, still in great shock and surprise. They then told the team what they needed to do.

The top 5 got into their space ship and it started to lift off ground. “Don’t get too scared old man”, said Muhammad. “ It’s just a little ride.” Gandulf ignored him as the ship finally went into space. They then got into comfy chairs and let the autopilot do the work until they reached Mars.

“So Jonathon”, said Bond, “ what exactly was this Dracula thing I heard about you?”

“ Dracula was undead, a vampire that sucks human’s blood for food and he can make more vampires by biting them. He can turn into different animals along with many other horrible things.”

They all fell silent but the silence finally broke as the ship landed. “About time”, said William, “ OK, lets work out a plan to win this battle, we can win this. This bug may be strong but we can beat it as…” He was cut off as the rest of the team told him to shut up and do some exploring first. They found that the planet was quite safe.

“Come on lets go for a jog,” said Muhammad, but before Gandulf could save him he got sucked up a giant pit and was killed.

“He really was a good guy”, said Bond. They walked many miles around Mars, saving each other from deadly traps.

Then they came to the spot they set out to reach. There in the mist three giant bugs came running to them. The bugs were about four metres in length although very skinny. They looked very hideous and were the colour of both the night sky and algae green. They spoke a language that was almost too unbearable for the human’s ears to handle. The bugs had a weapon that looks like the very end of a whipper snipper but the blade on it looked beautiful yet deadly as it even showed marks as it cut through the air. Although one bug had a gun which had something scratched on it. It said Neil Armstrong U.S.A 1634. This was a mystery of it’s own. But the team didn’t have time to find out how it got to Mars and how Neil Armstrong got to the year 1634.

They all put up a good fight. Gandulf used his magic, James used his weapons, Jonathan used his brain and his knife and William used his sword.

They all fought for what seemed like hours until a final explosion came. Then on this desert where the fight was, nothing stirred. Then from under the sand came William Wallace, Jonathon Harker and Gandulf the White. They then dug a grave for Bond and went on their ship where they flew back to earth. They each got rewarded gratefully and Jack Lewis took them back to their original times.

Funny though, nothing really got mentioned about the gun on Mars. Although something tells me that Jack Lewis already knew and that his date of birth is a bit different to what I first thought it might be. Guess no one will ever know!


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Wed Nov 16, 2005 12:00 pm
Jojo wrote a review...



I remember writing something like this when I was 10 as well. The characters were Asterix, Don Quixote, Arnold Scwarzenegger and footballer Pele. But I'll have to hand it over to you because a team of your characters somehow seem more absurd..........That's what you were aiming for, right!? You know, what strikes me the most in the "Best 5..." is that nothing really leads up to anything. Like there were no melodramatic sentences at all leading upto Muhammad Ali's death. He just .....died.
Tell me if I am wrong, but it looks like you were under the impression of " A Leauge of Extraordinary Gentlemen" pretty deeply.
Would you please elaborate a bit on Jack Lewis because even though his appearance is short-lived, he really seems to be a character.
As far as description goes, I do not think it needs any more. It sounds so child-like and mature at the same time.




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Sat Oct 01, 2005 9:33 am
slytherinseeker says...



No Icaruss, you just made yourself sound stupid.
I'd just like to thank everybody for their criticism, THANKYOU!!!!
And Icaruss, please feel free to PM me. I'd like to talk to you!
Thanks again!




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Thu Sep 29, 2005 12:56 pm
J. Haux says...



You're right. It wasn't written very well, but it can be improved. The average 12-year-old writer would have written like this, although my little sister is a very good writer--she's ten. The storyline was creative and fun, so...

Of course...it may be a twenty-three year old pretending to have written this at 12 for the same reason...Ooh... :wink:




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Mon Sep 19, 2005 3:19 am
Icaruss says...



I didn't meant to sound harsh... or... unprofessional... I'm not saying that the story sucks because IT WAS WRITTEN BY a 12 year old, I'm just saying it's not good. I mean, it's not terrible, it's not Uwe Boll bad, but... I mean, it isn't good. And the thing about the author being a 12 year old playing a 22 year old it was just a bad joke...

... WASN'T IT?

That was too. Anyways, like I said, I didn't mean to sound harsh, or cocky, or arrogant, or stupid... but I just couldn't help it, I guess. There was an English documentary called "Faces", which said that Internet interactors got into a lot of misunderstandings and fights because people couldn't see the expressions in each other faces when they talked...

This wasn't the case.

It was my choice of words. I'm sorry. And if it makes everybody feel better, I give a story an A+




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Mon Sep 19, 2005 2:42 am
J. Haux says...



Also (sorry for getting off subject) Maybe he/she isn't really twenty-some years old. (But at any rate, it was probably written by a twelve-year-old.) Every time I update my profile, it wants to change my birthdate so that I'm 35! I'm fourteen. My profile does not lie...most of the time. :?




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Mon Sep 19, 2005 2:38 am
J. Haux wrote a review...



I thought it was amusing: I liked the characters. It was creative, written by a twelve-year-old with a good imagination, but without a lot of experience.

There could have been some elaboration on the fight scene, but, if you were only twelve...

One thing your English teacher might have told you, :wink: and I'm going to mention, is you need a unified tense. You switch between tenses in the middle of sentences. This is just an example, but "The President of the U.S.A walked into the room to talk to Peter Cosgrove. They have an important job. Even though they are from different countries they still had to team up together along with a man named Jack Lewis" See how many times you switched between past and present tense?

Woah, Icarus! A little professionalism, please. :wink: And...maybe it is really a 12 year old, maybe it's a twenty-three year old. You just don't know, do you? "Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you". :twisted: I just stole someone else's signature. Mua-ha-ha-ha!




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Mon Sep 19, 2005 1:26 am
Boni_Bee wrote a review...



That was harsh, Icaruss!!! :? It is only a story written by a kid, but that'd doesn't mean it's trash... I think it's cool, although it needs some improvements




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Thu Sep 15, 2005 1:45 am
Icaruss wrote a review...



Yes. I can tell you were twelve.

Look, I don't want to sound smart, or anything... I mean, let's face it, I'm fourteen... but really. The story sucks. It's the typical story a kid-- OK, OK, yes, I am a kid. But I mean, you know, like... a little kid... OK? OK. Your narration is not that good. You're just explaining what they're doing in every paragraph. You should let the reader figure out things themselves. Or at least, give him an introduction. Like this.

The man entered the blah... blah... blah...

"My name is blah... I am a blah... I have a blah... it's blah centimetres long..."

"My name is blah..."

And so on.

And then they leave the room.


Then you start explaining who are they, and what they were doing here. Maybe from the P.O.V of one of the characters. I'll choose Muhammed Ali cause... he's great. Oh, and please, this is not me writing on my best level. I'm just going to rush it.

Muhammad Ali didn't really care what he was doing there. He just wanted to kick some bug butt. Ever since the President of the USA called them, he couldn't sleep. They were going to Mars. Who could?

And something along that basis. I guess you already knew those things, seeing that you're 23 -I think- now... unless... unless you're 12 year old making everybody think you're 23 so that they wouldn't critizise your story that harshly... BUT, I'm just being paranoid.

AREN'T I?




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Wed Sep 14, 2005 1:34 pm
Nox wrote a review...



Good story!

The first thing I liked was how each of the five men entered the room and introduced themselves. You could have described what they looked like in detail but it was still good. It's interesting how you thought of characters from movies, books and history (William Wallace) but why are they all men? Surely women are best at somethings than men? It's just a thought.

I think you spelt Gandalf wrong or is it spelt GANDULF?

You should have added more details about their surroundings or the spaceship they travelled in. It would have been more interesting if the characters talked and discussed the mission instead of just sitting and not talking.

The fight scene was a bit of a disappointment, you should have explained what each character did and how they did it Eg. "Gandalf banged his ivory staff on the ground and muttered under his breath..." etc.

I know it's a short story but you could have added afew things to make it better.

Good try!

- Nox -




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Fri Aug 19, 2005 1:11 pm
Rei says...



Kind of amusing. I liked the choice of characters. That was very interesting. Nothing much to pick at. So far everything's already been said. Just one thing, though. It's spelled Gandalf.




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Thu Aug 18, 2005 7:40 pm
Sam wrote a review...



Hehe...since I'm 12 I have license to pick on it...:P Just kidding. 'Twas really cute, short story. Loved the Top 5 idea. 'The name is bond...james bond...' Hehe. Very cool, man.




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Thu Aug 18, 2005 1:28 am
JesseJames says...



I thought it was a good choice of characters.
Now that your older, I think you should re-write there adventures on Mars.




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Tue Aug 16, 2005 4:09 am
Elizabeth says...



Oooh this was so funny
great job when you were 12
I couldn't have ever imagined writing something as boldly fun as this.
Great job!




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Tue Aug 16, 2005 3:51 am
Boni_Bee says...



it's cool! It does need a bit more description, but other than that it's great! :)




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Sun Aug 07, 2005 12:17 pm
deleted6 says...



lol funny i like it




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Sun Aug 07, 2005 12:03 pm
Fool wrote a review...



A nice entertaining short story. I did like it. To improve you could give some more detail on your characters, for instance, why is William Wallaces clothing different from the others? Some won't know he wore a kilt. Try more examples of the "deadly traps" as they walked around Mars. The explosion sorta came out of nowhere, you might want to work on that a bit.

I liked it, it was entertaining, as i said, and you could even write a sequal to it. Nice work





Maybe what most people wanted wasn't immortality and fame, but the reassurance that their existence had meant something. No matter how long... or how brief. Maybe being eternal meant becoming a story worth telling.
— Roshani Chokshi, Aru Shah and the Nectar of Immortality