My little Brother wrote this story and I would like him to receive some criticism or people that liked his story.
He is ten years old.
ESCAPE FROM THE
BLACK WIZARD’S
DUNGEON
I could here a hissing noise above me. I decide to fly p to the hissing noise when I saw the ladder. I went to climb it when I fell. It was a dud broken ladder. Coming towards me were six snakes. They started charging at me. I lit a fire with my powers. The fire scared all but one of the snakes. That snake and I wrestled. I threw it far away and heard the snake writher and die. I knew something else killed it above. I went up there and saw a gigantic spider, three or four times bigger than a man. I sprinted up to it and poked it in the eyes. It writhed and crawled into what sounded like water. I decided to go on, when I saw the spiders bones in water with piranhas. I knew I couldn’t jump over them. I felt in my pocket and found a plastic drinking straw. I drank all the water up with difficulty because the piranhas kept on jumping and trying to bite me. They all died without their water. Above me I saw six bats getting ready to charge. I threw a dead piranha at them and they flew away. I saw some stairs that ended the dungeon. I climbed up on them dodging bees. I got to the top, I was safe. I went a step forward and slipped on a bananna peal. I fell back in the dungeon onto a boulder and died.
THE END
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Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well, this makes for quite the piece here. Wow. That's basically the reaction you end up with after reading through that a couple of times here. Its such a simple idea that you've gone with here, and it just does exactly what it sets out to do there. Its a good bit of a setup there because you can't immediately tell its meant to be more on the joking sort of thing although of course pretty much at the bit with the piranhas it becomes quite clear what the main goal is here.
In that sense I think you manage to deliver on those jokes very well. The whole straw sequence is just toeing that line between reasonably possible to imagine someone going for but also ridiculous and effective sounding and it just sort of keeps that suspension of disbelief just about going well enough that all the jokes land really well. The ending is maybe a bit abrupt but I think that works in its favor so despite the morbid moment, its still hilarious especially because of the irony of this person defeating so many of the much more dangerous threats only to die to this banana peal.
So overall, a really simple piece here, but one that's effective nonetheless because it really knows what its about and sticks to that.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hahah this was actually really funny! Much better then anything I could have written at 10. Slipping on the banana peel totally made me crack up!!!!
Overall, I like the idea. There are a LOT of things he runs into, and using those as a base, he could make a really cool story. But of course with an altered ending. Great job
Hi! So this will be hard to criticize since your brother is only ten, but I'll give it a shot. Sorry if I'm too hard on ya'!
THE END
#BF0080 ">SPELLING
To begin with, I have highlighted all the misspelled words in red.
#00BF00 ">Hear
banana
#800080 ">Grammar/Flow
This is a really choppy story. All of your sentences are from 5-10 syllables long. You need to vary that some more! There should be some that are five or six, some that are 23, some fifteen, some... you get the point? Let's look at a small section and how much better it could be with some commas to replace periods.
There's how you wrote it,
See how much better that is? Here's another thing I noticed: you switch from present tense to past tense a lot. Present tense is when you use words like I am, I decide, start to.
Past tense is when you use words like started, threw, could, etc.
so...
Decide becomes decided,
#FF0000 ">EMOTION/CHARACTER
Your story lacks in both of these areas! I don't even know if your character is a girl or a boy! Why is he in the dungeon? Is he scared? (I'm assuming here that he is a boy) Is he the bad guy? What's his name? What does he look like? How old is he? How strong is he?
I don't even know why I should feel bad for him when he dies! Also there isn't any emotion in the story-any feeling, which leaves it feeling bland and dry.
#FF0000 ">PLOT
I think for a ten year old the plot is great. Try to come up with a more original ending though!
[/quote]
I love this!!
LOVE:GC
Wow, for a 10 year old that's awesome.
To be honest it was quite funny and I know that's not what he was aiming for but still. For review purposes only, there is only one spelling mistake I found,
here should be hear, but I'm sure you've either corrected him yourself or he knows.
I liked the way the whole story revolves round. The man has magic powers, probably pyrokinesis and still he trips on a banana peel.
Overall a great little short story
thats really sad! i cant believe he died!!!
seriously though, i liked it a lot. ok so there were quite a few improvements needed
(spelling for a start!) but he's 10 years old! i reckon it's really good for his age.