Whatever happened to the pictures on the wall? The five smiling faces encased in dark, stained, wooden frames? I recognize the young face of my past self, yet I can't remember the name of the woman standing next to me, or the names of what I can identify as my children. They all bear some resemblance to myself, but each name is caught in my throat.
Whatever happened to my brain? It’s deteriorating in the very skull meant to protect it. My dignity is taken from me, my integrity stolen. I have memories of a past life that is no longer in my grasp. Memories of a happy family as well as blood splattering the walls. I don’t know where my family went, but I am determined to find and save them.
“Robert!” I said to my empty house. It echoes the name back to me. The name of the boy with dark hair staring back at me. The name of my only son. The name passed on from me to him. The name I couldn’t remember. The next question is, where is he? I hear a knock at the door.
“Mr. Schultz! Mr. Schultz?!” It's the monster again. “ How has your morning been? May I come in?”
“No!” I reply.
“Mr. Schultz, you know you need your medicine. If you let me come in, I’ll give you a brownie.” With much cajoling, I turn the knob and let the ogre in. Blond hair, that I could have sworn was brown yesterday, is pulled up tight in a bright yellow rubber band, matching the smiley faces on her scrubs.
“Brownie,” I open my palm up to her, waiting to be rewarded.
“Medicine,” she replies. She’s a clever troll. I scoff and take the medicine before she enters the kitchen to get me a glass of water. The loony pills proceed into one of my pockets. I cup my hand and when she arrives I throw my faux pills to the back of my throat.
“Here’s your water,” My response was a series of gulps.
“Brownie?’
“As many as you want.” With that permission, I walk my way to the kitchen and sit down with the plate. After I gulp down three or four, or maybe it was five, I sit down on the couch and fall asleep.
When I wake, my weary eyes and cottonmouth lead me to the kitchen. I take a glass out of the cabinet and walk over to the faucet.
“Why’d I come in here?” Footsteps boom above me. My hand leads me to a knife and I head upstairs. I creep myself up the stairs and slowly open each door proceeding. Finally, I reach my own room, discovering the monster putting sheets on my bed.
“Oh, you’re awake!” The monster slowly turns and looks me in the eye.
“Demon,” the knife seems to leave my hand. Next thing I know, it’s in her throat. The monster is defeated.
Her body’s heavier than imagined, but I manage to roll it down the stairs. I notice the cellar doors are to the right of me. I nod my head, “Convenient.”
The ogre rolls down those stairs as well. I follow it down to move it away from the line of sight, and to the right of me, I find my family. I climb the stairs and shut the door. I go to the kitchen to wash my hands. As I’m drying them, my eyes gaze upwards.
Five faces are staring back at me. My poor family. I don’t know where they went, but I am determined to find and save them.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,008 Literary Works • 672,828 Reviews
Helloo there! I clicked on this story because I saw it was under the genre of horror and I love all that jazz! So I gave it a read and I've got a few things to say about it. I have a few criticisms and a few positive points but I hope you don't get offended, and I hope they come in use to you
.
Starting with the first paragraph ...
""""Whatever happened to the pictures on the wall? The five smiling faces encased in dark, stained, wooden frames? I recognize the young face of my past self, yet I can't remember the name of the woman standing next to me, or the names of what I can identify as my children. They all bear some resemblance to myself, but each name is caught in my throat.""""
Right, I like your use of rhetorical questions which emphaise the man's confusion and inability to remember things - perhaps due dementia or something like that .. I also like how you say they're "caught in my throat" - that's quite a nice description there . But I must say .. This paragraph I felt was kinda predictable .. The title is picture frames and I feel like you just gave it away in the first para.. I feel like you could've described where we are first, imagery of setting .. Then dropped in description about the photograph , but that's just my opinion!!
Also, in the second paragraph you instantly tell us that his brain is "deteriorating" - you tell us this. I feel like it would be better if you showed it through description and more gesture .. rather than instantly tell us .. Giving it away.
I must say though, I really like how you've described the nurse as the "Demon" it shows he hates people , even those who care, which emphasises he's a little mentally unstable.
I really liked the ending too - so unaware of the things he's done and I think that's quite powerful.. However, the build up to this eventual shocker could Reaaaallly be improved in my opinion . I feel like your plot has potential , but it's not keeping me as hooked as much as it could because I feel your description, build up, imagery etc is less effective.
For instance, the build up to the murder of the carer
"""“Demon,” the knife seems to leave my hand. Next thing I know, it’s in her throat. The monster is defeated."""
You say that so casually.. Like murder wasn't such a big deal at all xD .. It's like when you watch a horror movie, the protagonist doesn't instantly just kill the other person - there's a build up, action, violence shown! Read Stephen King - King of horror that may help you! Also, I've written a lot of horror myself on here if you wanna check it out!
But like I say , this plot has potential! Just needs little improvements here and there - and then you're onto a winner!
Keep writing !!
Hello Remington38 here for a reveiw!
I would like to start off by saying welcome to YWS! I can tell already you will fit right in. Now onto this chilling tale you have put before us. I really enjoyed it. I loved the idea in general and like what CupcakesForRealMen said below I was hooked on the first paragraph. Horror next to Science Ffiction is my all time favorite and I love how twisted and morbid this is. Very original and I really liked it! Can't wait to read more of your writing now!
ok so I do not mean to be mean but it could use a bit of work her and there but other then that you have a pretty good thing going on here. I like the monster, though I like how it sees I will give you a brownie though I would take a cookie. and the ending WOW! that was just WOW! I cant get over it I mean that is something now I really what t read more, you should make a nether one. 1 out of 10 I would give it a 9 almost 10 witch is great nice job.
Good day, Cups here to serve a delicious review!
*Shudders*
First of all, I loved the intro. It got me hooked. Why was his memory gone? Where was his family? Where have they gone?
Here, and I quote:
"Whatever happened to my brain? It’s deteriorating in the very skull meant to protect it. My dignity is taken from me, my integrity stolen. I have memories of a past life that is no longer in my grasp. Memories of a happy family as well as blood splattering the walls. I don’t know where my family went, but I am determined to find and save them."
It was about here that I realized that either there was a murder, or he killed them himself. When I heard a woman pounding on the door offering him medicine, I knew that there was something up with his mind, but I still wanted to read what happened.
I like how he just demands a brownie. It adds a bit of humor in this story. But after he wakes up and grabs the knife, my heart just plummeted in my chest when he grabbed the knife. You give us an insight into his mind whenever he calls her a demon, and an ogre and all that.
Now, the edits:
'“Mr. Schultz, you know you need your medicine. If you let me come in, I’ll give you a brownie.” With much cajoling I turn the knob and let the ogre in. Blond hair, that I could have sworn was brown yesterday, is pulled up tight in a bright yellow rubber band, matching the smiley faces on her scrubs."
I think the sentence : 'With much cajoling I turn the knob..." is a little awkward, only because cajoling doesn't really fit in there. Perhaps something similar to:
'After a bit of a struggle, I turn the knob..." would improve it a slight bit.
The only other thing, is when 'The ogre' says: "Oh you're awake!" There should be a comma between the 'oh' and the 'you're'.
This was an amazing short story. I'm astounded! Welcome to YWS, by the way. Feel free to PM me if you need anything!
Good day, Cups here to serve a delicious review!
*Shudders*
First of all, I loved the intro. It got me hooked. Why was his memory gone? Where was his family? Where have they gone?
Here, and I quote:
"Whatever happened to my brain? It’s deteriorating in the very skull meant to protect it. My dignity is taken from me, my integrity stolen. I have memories of a past life that is no longer in my grasp. Memories of a happy family as well as blood splattering the walls. I don’t know where my family went, but I am determined to find and save them."
It was about here that I realized that either there was a murder, or he killed them himself. When I heard a woman pounding on the door offering him medicine, I knew that there was something up with his mind, but I still wanted to read what happened.
I like how he just demands a brownie. It adds a bit of humor in this story. But after he wakes up and grabs the knife, my heart just plummeted in my chest when he grabbed the knife. You give us an insight into his mind whenever he calls her a demon, and an ogre and all that.
Now, the edits:
'“Mr. Schultz, you know you need your medicine. If you let me come in, I’ll give you a brownie.” With much cajoling I turn the knob and let the ogre in. Blond hair, that I could have sworn was brown yesterday, is pulled up tight in a bright yellow rubber band, matching the smiley faces on her scrubs."
I think the sentence : 'With much cajoling I turn the knob..." is a little awkward, only because cajoling doesn't really fit in there. Perhaps something similar to:
'After a bit of a struggle, I turn the knob..." would improve it a slight bit.
The only other thing, is when 'The ogre' says: "Oh you're awake!" There should be a comma between the 'oh' and the 'you're'.
This was an amazing short story. I'm astounded! Welcome to YWS, by the way. Feel free to PM me if you need anything!