Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Short Story » Action / Adventure


Mystery on the Nile

by sleuthchick


"Oh no! The ancient mummy has disappeared from the museum!" Flara Sanchez exclaimed She handed the paper over to her friend and detective Blakleigh Evans. Blakleigh scanned the article. Her green eyes went wide.

"It says here that no one broke into the museum." she said

Tabitha looked up from her yoga position. "Say what?" she asked

The attractive dark skinned brunette untangled herself from her pretzel position and stood upright on her friend's hardwood floor.

Tabitha looked at her friend. "Uh oh, The wheels in Blakleigh's head are turning Flara."

"What?" Flara asked She had been examining her manicure. But looked up at her friend.

Tabitha rolled her pretty brown eyes. "Blakleigh is ready for a mystery." she said

"Oh right, I knew that." Flara said

Blakleigh folded up the newspaper and looked at her friends. Her green eyes were glowing. "Well come on girls. We have our first mystery to solve!" she exclaimed

The three friends ran out of Blakleigh's room, down the stairs, and out the door to Blakleigh's trusty purple mustang.

On the drive to the museum Blakleigh called her dad and told him where they were going. She ended her call and handed her phone to Flara. She just entered downtown Chattanooga. She drove only a mile and finally pulled into the museum parking lot.

Officer Bryant greeted the teens when they walked inside the air conditioned building. He was taking them to the Egyptian exhibit and told them the baffling case.

"We have no idea how the mummy was stolen." he said

"You mean what the article in the paper says. No one broke into the museum." Blakleigh stated

"Exactly we can't figure anything out. There are no clues except the empty coffin." he explained

"Are you sure someone didn't break-in?" Tabby asked

'Watch the security tape and see for yourself. We watched it this morning. Then the reporters showed up asking more questions." he replied

He turned on the tv screen in front of them with a remote control. In black and white the girls saw the coffin lid slide open and the mummy get out.

All three girls stared open mouthed.

"How is that possible?" Flara asked

"Oh it's possible." a female voice said from behind them. The officer and the girls turned. Standing before them was a beautiful tanned woman with long black hair and black eyes.

"Who are you?" Blakleigh asked suspiciously

"I am Nina. That is all you need to know about me. The mummy that escaped was Queen Nefertiri. She was the most feared ruler of ancient Egypt. She owned a powerful stone that could heal the sick. But it could also give you an immortal life." she explained

Blakleigh and her friends stared at her in shock.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
10 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 10

Donate
Sun Jun 17, 2007 1:47 am
fbigoats says...



I liked it. A little more description would be nice... I think your characters and plot are interesting. Can't wait to see more.




User avatar
387 Reviews


Points: 27175
Reviews: 387

Donate
Mon Jun 11, 2007 7:55 pm
Kylan says...



DragonWriter should learn to spell, but she is right...

-Kylan




User avatar
61 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 61

Donate
Tue Jun 05, 2007 9:30 pm
DragonWriter wrote a review...



i have read tons of books. I have little writting experience though. It sound a liltle like merry kate and ashly mixed with scobby dooby doo. Umm, I thonk the begging of the storry your age leavl is maybee 3rd to 5th grade, just maybee 6th. Try to add less dilogue and more descriptian. It could also begin with some back ground info. Maybee the girls could have a visite to the musem and the day after there is the mysterious dissperance? Sorry about the cruelness , but i aggree if you worked some more on the storry It possibly could be a bigg seller.




User avatar
14 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 14

Donate
Thu May 31, 2007 7:17 pm
snap wrote a review...



It was really good, and I'd definitely be interested to read more. There were, however, a couple of things I noticed.

"Well come on girls. We have our first mystery to solve!"


First mystery? Were they planning to solve a mystery? Just give us a little background.

"You mean what the article in the paper says. No one broke into the museum." Blakleigh stated


This is a little confusing, and it took me a couple of times to grasp it. Perhaps it would be better if it went something like:

"The paper said no one broke into the museum," Blakleigh prompted.


Also, why would the policeman just show around a group of teenagers and give them confidential information? Again, background.

Just one other thing. :)

"Oh no! The ancient mummy has disappeared from the museum!" Flara Sanchez exclaimed.


It's pretty obvious Flara exclaimed something, that's what the exclamation point is for. "Exclaimed" sounds out of place and forced. Don't use it unless it's telling us something we wouldn't otherwise infer from the text. In fact, I would shy away from the word exclaimed period. Just use said.

Other than that, it was good!! Keep writing.




Random avatar

Points: 890
Reviews: 3

Donate
Tue May 29, 2007 9:27 pm
tailored-trouble wrote a review...



This is a great start on what seems like could be a great mystery story. Though, there are a few things that I would like to point out that kind of irritated me/I think could make the story better.

1). The story seemed so.. rushed. More detail could easily make this not seem so choppy.

2). While on the subject of detail, there is one thing I would like to point out. You described Blakleigh's green eyes twice ("Her green eyes went wide." and "Her green eyes were glowing."). I would say try not to use the same description so much. Maybe change the word. I'll try to name a few substitutes for the word green: forest green, swamp green, tea green, asparagus, emerald, fern, lime green, pine green, and sea green. Of course, there are several more.




User avatar
387 Reviews


Points: 27175
Reviews: 387

Donate
Sun May 20, 2007 2:08 am
Kylan says...



Hmmm...This could use some work....

I'm going to be honest, but hopefully not too harsh with you. This story reminds me of a watered down Nancy Drew spin-off mixed in with a little bit of the Three In




User avatar
20 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 20

Donate
Tue May 15, 2007 4:45 pm
PirateQueen wrote a review...



You don't really describe Flara Sanchez or Blakleigh Evans. All I know is that Flara has a manicure and Blakleigh has green eyes. Other than that it's a pretty decent story. It reminds me of Hardy Boys. Can't wait to read more

#Queen of the Pirates#




User avatar
117 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 117

Donate
Sun May 13, 2007 10:27 pm
oregongirl says...



Great story! I love your work! :D Keep up the awesome work!




Random avatar

Points: 890
Reviews: 17

Donate
Sun May 13, 2007 7:42 pm
sleuthchick says...



Hey well what do you think so far. This story is already finished. But I only typed part of it right now. I am going to post the rest of the story though. But what do you guys and girls think so far?





When a good man is hurt, all who would be called good must suffer with him.
— Euripides