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Mystery on Mystic Cove

by sleuthchick

It was a sunny when Blakleigh Lafeyette woke up wednesday morning. She stretched, and got out of bed, then headed to her bathroom.

Once she had brushed her teeth and put her combed black hair in a ponytail she changed into a pair of jeans, and a short sleeved pink shirt that read "Grits Girls Raised In The South across the front."

She slipped on her sneakers, and walked out of her room.

As Blakleigh made her way down the hall to the kitchen she spotted her big sister Cara sitting at the kitchen table, eating a bowl of cereal and reading the paper. Blakleigh got a bowl and spoon, then sat down across from her sister. She poured herself some cereal and nearly overloaded the bowl when Cara suddenly looked up and gasped at her.

Blakleigh looked down at the full bowl of frosted corn flakes. She set the box down. Her attention went back to the front page of the paper.

"There was a murder here?" Blakleigh asked

Cara glanced at her sister then at the front page. "Yep, Mystic Cove apparently isn't a safe haven anymore." she replied

"Who was murdered?" Blakleigh asked

Cara's eyebrows went up. "Belle Soleil, it says here she was killed lastnight."

Blakleigh's mouth fell. "I have to talk to Lucky and Caleb." she said then left the table

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563 Reviews

Points: 13816
Reviews: 563

Mon May 21, 2007 9:55 pm
Writersdomain wrote a review...

This is a decent start.

As Ofour said, there isn't much to critique here and that is the reason why it seems to lead nowhere. You have introduced no conflict, thus its blandness. Write a bit more of this, and I am sure you will get more positive and more helpful critiques. On another note, after reading the small bit you posted here, I would like to warn you to pay attention to characterization. The lack of emotion and vibrance in your main character worries me.

And keep in mind that all critiques are suggestions and opinions and do not aim to hurt you personally. Most critiquers are only trying to help you improve. :wink:

Keep writing!

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Points: 890
Reviews: 17

Sat May 12, 2007 7:51 pm
sleuthchick says...

Hi thank you so much for being honest with me without sounding rude. I know I should have had more written down before I posted my story. But that guy who reviewed first just sounded so rude with that last paragraph he wrote. I don't mind if people are honest with me just please don't basically call me a two year old. I am not trying to be rude and I am not upset. His review just hurt. Be honest but don't be hurtful. Thats all I want. Thank you.

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179 Reviews

Points: 890
Reviews: 179

Sat May 12, 2007 4:12 pm
biancarayne wrote a review...

Well, a lot could definitely be added to this story to make it more dramatic and is, it does read kind of boringly and isn't something most people would be interested in reading...And it definitely was a little too short to be able to get anything much out of this really to know if it is good or not. Although, I would definitely be interested in reading more because I'm sure that it will get better :) And I think this does have potential to go somewhere, but it's really too early to tell.

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566 Reviews

Points: 890
Reviews: 566

Wed May 09, 2007 6:16 pm
miyaviloves says...

I think Ofour said all that was needed here. It's very short....

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187 Reviews

Points: 890
Reviews: 187

Wed May 09, 2007 6:10 pm
Ofour wrote a review...

"It was a sunny day when Charli Darnay woke up wednesday morning." - OK, lots here. "Charli"? surely you mean "Charlie"? You say "day" and then "Wednesday", it's redundant. It should be "woke up on Wednesday morning". Personally I would have written "It was sunny when Charlie woke up on Wednesday morning". However, even this sounds horrifically childish, the very simplest of descriptions, almost crude.

"She stretched, and got out of bed, and headed to her bathroom." - the first comma is not neeeded, replace the second "and" with "then". Preferably rephrase the sentence so you need fewer conjunctions.

"she changed into a pair of jeans, and a short sleeved pink shirt that read Grits Girls Raised In The South across the front." - comma not needed. Banner of shirt should be in quotation marks.

"She slipped on her sneakers, and walked out of her room." - no comma needed.

OK, as I have touched on earlier this sounds quite childish. The whole thing reads blandly and there is just nothing here to critique. It leads nowhere, it sounds like an average day in an average person's life. Boring. This does not grip the reader at all, there is nothing to make them keep reading.

You know that place between sleep and awake, that place where you still remember dreaming? That’s where I’ll always love you. That’s where I’ll be waiting.
— J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan