It’s raining the cords out there.
I just got back from work…Hard day…They fired me.
Flashback.
"Mrs.Nate you can't work here anymore.
What ? Why ?
Always late. Stressing.Paranoid.Bad work.
I can change.
No it's too late.Please take your stuffs. "
I didn't wait.
I didn't care.
I just stood up and left the room.
What a day !
I close my eyes trying to forget everything I went trough during this week.
As I opened them again a pill of bills letter is fixing me, with a diabolic thing. Turned my head to watch something else.
The kitchen is a real mess but i'm too tired to clean it up.
I’ve got to take a shower.
Though is real cold…I’m sweating like a pig.
Have a feeling something’s coming.
Anyways….Catch a towel while passing in the bedroom.
Heading to the bath room… an icy wind paralyses me.
I don’t remember to have left this window opened.
Must be mistaken.
I close it and carry on my way.
The water is hot...Invigorating.
I'm done...Calmer now.
Oh Crap what was that?
Someone’s out there.
I Grab the towel and wrap it around me.
Walking with precaution.
Nobody.
But I can hear two hearts in the room.
Mine and another one.
Where are you? Who are you?
Nothing.
I take a knife from near the oven.
My heart is racing.
I can’t hear my own thoughts.
Imagination…
No.
A big black thing jumps on me.
Eyes closed.
Deep breath.
Slowly I open them.
It’s a cat.
Had the fear of my life for that.
Smiling.
Laughing.
So funny.
Then,pain.The most awful i'll ever know.
He used the knife i dropped earlier.
My back's hurting.
The towel’s turning red.
It was a trap.
For disturbing me ?
For keeping his indentity ?
He was hiding somewhere.
I can hear him laughing nastily.
It’s the last thing I remember.
Black.
Black.
Everything’s black.
I’m stuck in a heavy thing.
No sound.
Nothing.
All alone.
Mary, Mary
Trying to talk.
Yes.
You’re safe now.
Thank God.
I was dreaming.
What a dream.
O Late for work.
But where am I ?
Where are we?
Hospital.
Darkness again.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Thanks.........
*_*
i enjoyed the sort of twist at the end, when it wasnt the cat
and the lack of description could be good and could be bad.
in shorter stories like this i like less description cause i like to imagine a lot of it myself
but others may not agree..
well done anywaysss!
Well, you clarified the trap part, which is good. However, you still have lots of spellings and grammar mistakes, and I still don't understand the pill of bills line. Also, I see you took my advice with the italics. However, you need to be consistent with them. You're getting there! Keep working!
--Dreamy
Thanks for your advice...I did use some here.
What do you think about it now ??Is it more clear ??
Slandie
Hi! Alright, I can kind of see what you wanted to do here from what you just posted... and I'm sorry, but you didn't pull it off. What you ended up with was a rather confusing jumble.However, you show promise, and this story might make it yet if you do some major editing. Here's what I suggest (corrections and notes in bold, * = I took out a word):
Ok, there's your wonderful review.
Please work on this! If you can shape it up, it can actually be quite good.
--Dreamy
Hey EmmaJane,
Thnx for your advice.Once again you got it.So I made some changes and about this " So ... there's an intruder ... oh, wait; the intruder's the cat ... oh no! No, actually there really was an intruder ... and it's .. all a dream? No, not a dream, wait ... Oh dear.. Ha ha. " It was exactly the idea.
Thanks again.
You're helping me a lot.
Slandie
Here as requested, Slandie!
I'll try not to manage my words, lol, but here are my thoughts on "Dream or Reality"!
Chat/MSN speak:
Reading chat speak in a story is a little annoying because it always takes me longer to figure out what you're saying. Which isn't good because I want to be bam! on the next part, seeing what comes next, not a couple of seconds behind, decoding what you've just put.
While what you've got here isn't as bad as, say, "cba", "thnx", "dis", ... and various others I can't be bothered to name, it can still be improved upon!
You don't need lots of "ooo"s to stress the word "so", just stick it in italics.
I wasn't even sure what you wre going for with all the "oo"s...
Smilies in stories ... uh uh, not good.
It lets this piece down a lot. Which is a shame because, fleshed out, this could be quite good. But without the description, I'm not really getting a picture in my head, I'm not getting as tense or excited as I should, and I don't really connect to your character as much.
And I'm left with quite a few questions:
Why was the MC fired? What else does she think about it? Maybe you could have them remembering a scene or two of when they were fired?
How does the MC know the intruder is a guy?
Okay, that didn't creep me out, lol, but I can so relate!
Yeah, this is creepy. Love. C:
Ew, blood, gross. But boy, does my imagination love that.
I don't know if you were aiming for this or not, but it feels more like you've noted down the thoughts of your MC. I kind of like this, because it's original sounding, yet at the same time I'd love to see more description. This was certainly an improvement, this piece - no that the other was that bad or anything, but I do like this idea more, because it made me keep reading and keep guessing. So ... there's an intruder ... oh, wait; the intruder's the cat ... oh no! No, actually there really was an intruder ... and it's .. all a dream? No, not a dream, wait ... Oh dear.. Ha ha.
Keep on writing!
~Emma