Published June 16, 2013
Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
It’s really beautiful, All of it, the entire place, All to us. It’s just our own planet of wonder, just for us. It’s like we were put here on purpose, just to inhabit it. Everything is perfect for us. I look up and see you and stroke you face gently, leaning in slowly, closing my eyes. The second sun sets behind the third mountain as it casts a shadow of purple light over us. The air changes scent to a fragrance of pure delight and I smile as I feel the blue grass under me, with you in my arms and I know that this is truly perfection.
I snap awake quickly and look around dazed, taking in my surroundings. The sun is just rising in the east, casting a wonderful orange glow over the already tainted red mountains. The moon, large and grey, suspended high in the sky, is setting now and I take a deep breath of the sweet scented air. It hits me like a wave of excitement, the different smells of everything mixed into one glorious whole, and I smile, remembering my dream.
You stir next to me and I move over to you, stroking your hair and leaning down to peck your cheek gently, feeling the softness of your skin undermine and smiling as you sit up, your hair falling untidily around your face. I embrace you gently; holding your head against my chest and hearing in you take in your first breath of the morning. "This place really is amazing, isn’t it?"
"It really is".
I allow myself to relax and you relax back into me, taking in the view. Our little hut, built out of the branches of a very soft and light moonshine tree, was perfectly set to take in the sunrise, and the sunset. We sit, holding each other, and watch in awe as the sun finally sets in the middle of the sky. "I never get tired of that", I whisper, as the rays of sun are gently flown over the plains and down to the ocean. "It is quite amazing", I hear you whisper in awe and I sit up again, standing up and stretching.
The animals outside start to move around, calling out greetings to one another as they go about their daily business. I watch a mother sparrow flying low back to its nest, her babies waiting eagerly for their mother to bring them breakfast. A squirrel runs up a tree and calls out to its children, and they rush out with their father and take the food the mom brings them.
I remember my dream about you and decide to tell you. "I dreamt about you last night", I say and you turn to me with a look of question on your face and ask. "Can you tell me about it?"
"Of course", I reply with a smile, and start to tell you about it.
When I’m finished you look at me smiling and your eyes stare deeply into mine, the light from the sun reflecting off them and making them seem like they go on forever. You lean in gently and say softly, "why not make that dream a reality", and I smile warmly at you. "That sounds good to me", I reply with, and slide my hands gently over your neck, tangling my fingers in your hair and closing my eyes slowly, leaning in. You lean in as well and I tilt my head lightly, feeling your lips connect with mine and I smile, feeling you smile back, and I continue the kiss, holding your head in my hands lightly as I do so.
You respond by putting your hands over mine, your skin soft and warm on mine, and I smile even brighter, feeling the warmth spread through my body, from my lips to my chest, and them from there to my arms and legs. I tilt my head more and kiss you again, longer and slower, and you respond by slipping your hands undermine and holding my hands gently. I hold your hands back and smile wider, opening my eyes and breaking away from the kiss to hold your hands in my lap and you lean down onto me.
I release one of your hands as you rest your head into my lap and I start to stroke your hair slowly. "That was amazing" I say softly, and you reply with a sigh of happiness. I start to play with your hair, running my fingers roughly through it and leaning down to kiss you again, upside down. You smile into the kiss once more and reach your free hand up to tangle in my hair, playing with it and pulling my face to yours slightly harder, and I respond with a huge smile back.
I run my hand from your hair, and down over your neck, tilting your face up and closing my eyes slightly tighter, holding onto the feeling of your lips, so soft and warm on mine. The way they connect with mine with a passion that can’t be described, the way you respond perfectly to everything I do; The feel of your hands in my hair, playing with my hair softly, and your other hand on my face, tilting it down to kiss me easier.
I open my mouth slightly and you pull back, smiling at me apologetically as I hear a rumbling noise. "Sorry", you whisper with a half grin and I laugh. "It’s all good", I reply as my stomach growls. "C’mon, let’s go get some breakfast". You move close to me and kiss me lightly on the lips once more and I smile as that shot of electricity flows through my body. You smile back and climb out of the tree house, and I climb down after you.
As we get to the ground you take my hand and lead me into our usual part of the forest where we get our stuff for breakfast. I hear you humming quietly and I smile, knowing that you only ever do that when you’re extremely happy. I start to hum along to the tune and you turn to me, your face flushing bright pink, and you try to cover your face with your free hand, mumbling. "Oh my god, am I humming?” I hear you say mumbled through your hands and I laugh. "Just a bit", I reply with and you groan in embarrassment.
I roll my eyes and laugh again, stopping as we reach our tree. "There’s really nothing bad about being happy, you know that right hon"? I say this with a smile and you turn to look at me, still blushing. "I know. What we did just then was amazing; I don’t think I’ve ever been happier in my life. I just can’t help it". You mumble something and I lean in close, asking, "what was that?”
"Nothing", you reply and I sigh. "C’mon, you obviously said something", I grin and finish my sentence, "just tell me".
"Fine", you say and mumble louder, flushing deep scarlet across your face. "I can’t help it coz... your just... suchanamzingkisser".
You hide your face and turn away from me. I turn it back gently and smile at you, leaning down to softly kiss you, and you smile back. "I’m glad you think so", I say, and you smile bigger, turning it into a grin. "I bloody well know so" you say and step on your tip toes to kiss me slowly, and we stand in the light from the sun for a while, my arms wrapped around your waist and your fingers tangled lightly in my hair.
I break away after a while and grin down at you, still holding you close to me by your waist, "What ever happened to breakfast?"
"What? You didn’t like me?" you grin hugely and walk off with a smirk, and I follow you laughing. "Yea, but actual edible food might be a little better than a tongue" I say sarcastically and hear you giggle. You throw an apple at me and I take a bite out of it, feeling the sweet juices from it moisten my mouth, and swallow, making a sound of appreciation. We grab some more food and finish our breakfast, and I take you hand, turning to you and smiling. Come with me, I have something I found the other day I really wana show you. You stand up and take my hand again, following behind me.
We walk for a while, and you ask innocently, ‘how far is it till we get there?’ I reply with a simple, ‘not far now love’, and the smile is obvious in my voice. You whine again, a simple small sound that makes me chuckle and I turn around, picking you up and carrying you. ‘Better now honey?’ I ask with obvious hilarity in my voice and you blush, mumbling under your breath. I lean down slowly and kiss you, lingering on your lips lightly. ‘You really shouldn’t mumble. I love hearing that sugar sweet voice of yours’.
As we enter into a clearing, I ask you to close your eyes and you do so, but I stand behind you and cover them with my own hands. ‘No peaking’, I say with a grin in my voice, and you let out a sigh of exasperation. ‘Fiiiiine then, but it better be worth all this waiting.’
“Oh trust me, it really is’.
As we step a few more paces, I take my hands off yours and you look around, gasping in wonder. I see your jaw hand loosely as you look up at the sky. ‘It’s always best this time of day’ I say and hug you from behind, feeling you rest your hands on mine. As you stare at the sky I look up also, and I once again get that feeling of absolute radiant beauty that I feel whenever I look at it.
The sky, dark orange and rippling with the clouds that are passing across it, looms big and wide above us. The two suns resting in the sky above everything else, and the radiant heat that emanates from them basking us with warmth and spreading me to my fingertips with heat. As the birds fly across the sky, their young in tow, I spin you around and hold you in my arms.
‘It’s all so...beautiful’. You turn to me and smile, tears burning behind your eyes and wanting to break free. I run my hand slowly and gently over your face and wipe a drop that leaks out of your eye, then kiss you gently and linger on your lips. ‘Honey, why are you crying? This place is meant to be a happy place for us.’
‘They are tears of happiness, because I know that I’ve found the perfect man, and the perfect place. This place, this world, everything is so beautiful. I can’t get over it, and just being in a place like this with you, it is just too amazing to put into words.’ I smile as you say these words, and pull your face to mine gently, kissing you softly and slowly, feeling your arms wrap around my neck as you stand on tip toe and I wrap my arms around your waist, pulling you close to me.
Ten minutes later I break from your lips and half grin at you, picking you up and walking with you to the middle of the space. ‘Here is the best place to be, when the sun sets’. You sit and I lay down next you. After a few minutes of silence you lie down and rest your head on my chest, closing your eyes and breathing quietly. ‘So what happens when the sun sets?’
‘Just wait’, I say with a smile, and the sun starts to set.
I take your hand in mine and pull you close, starting to kiss you slowly. The sun rays of the ending hit us, and warmth flows like water over my body. I feel your body shiver lightly and know the same has just happened to you. I run my hands over your body and you shiver again. I open my eyes and break the kiss to turn your head to look into to sun set with me.
The second sun sets behind the third mountain as it casts a shadow of purple light over us. The air changes scent to a fragrance of pure delight and I smile as I feel the blue grass under me, with you in my arms and I know that this is truly perfection.
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Remer M. Strangelove here for the requested review
I'm not into romance, so this was a big stretch for me
Well, I liked this.
But before I give this
Let me tell you your errors
Grammar. I saw some capitalisation in wrong spots. You had two characters speaking in the same paragraph.
What I liked about it is that it was romantic and beautiful. At least it wasn't When Harry Met Sally at breakfast. You are really good at description and imagery. It blew me away
Great job
Keep writing!
7.6/10
What is this piece supposed to say?
There is no conflict that has been resolved; there are no characters that have been developed; there are a couple of moons, some mountains, some kisses, bodies, and suns. Great, everything is perfect. Everything started perfect and ended perfect, without any snag in between. What am I doing here, again?
Too many lines are spent describing things that are too irrelevant to the plot. Yes, okay, they're kissing, great, I get it. I don't need a line-by-line commentary on what's going through their minds and hands every second they're doing it. Instead of all that, why not threaten this perfect world? Why not create a problem for the two characters to solve? Let them taste of the sweetest fruit; put something at stake, then threaten to take it away, then watch your characters scramble to save it. That sounds like a pretty interesting story which will hook the reader. I was vaguely hoping for something to happen by the end, but I was disappointed. They got a happy end they did not deserve.
Add some background. What is the relationship between the two characters? It's their first time kissing. Why is he calling her his "love" right off the bat? "Love" is a big word, heavy word. At least for me. When I utter it, I mean it. Your character utters it after a single kiss. Why? What's so magical about this girl? Why does she deserve to be loved? Why do I care even an iota that they have their perfect world now? For all I know, the two are the children of some oligarchs who built them a virtual reality room to amuse them, and all my sympathy goes away.
Tl;dr cut the fat, add muscle. Slash pointless kissing and description, add plot. Good-day.
Your suchanamzingkisser,
cC
Your comment has been noted, but please in future, if this style of reading is not what you enjoy do not read it.
Bro. Wow, just wow. This was uncalled for. At least have a harshness meter. Oh wait, you broke that. Smh
Things I enjoyed:
1: The story was really easy to enjoy. You are a genius at making the story enjoyable. This isn't my type of reading, but I read it and didn't want to stop anyhow.
2: The description of things made it really easy to visualize the settings of the scenes involved.
Things I didn't enjoy:
1: The amount of grammar mistakes in the piece. The English and vocabulary used in this is good, but just those little mistakes bug me, a lot. Heheh.
But overall, if this is your type of writing, then it's a great thing to read. Keep up the good work!
Hiya! Here to review. I'll start with the critiques:
"Undermine" should be two words. Also, this a pretty lengthy sentence; I'd recommend breaking it up a bit, just to make it a little easier to read.
Switch the positions of the period and the closing quotation mark.
Do you mean the moon here? Because it sounds like the sun is setting, even though the rest of the lines imply that the sun is just now rising.
Wooow. Another pretty long sentence (or group of sentences) here. I'd recommend starting each character's bit of dialogue on its own paragraph, to improve readability. Also, on "I reply with" I think you're missing a word there?
It should be "I take your hand". Also, you left out the quotation marks for the dialogue in the section.
There were quite a few issues with punctuation here (throughout the story you switched between single and double quotation marks for the dialogue), and there were some issues with grammar. Some of the more descriptive sections (particularly between the two characters) really need to be broken up, because they're run-on sentences.
Okay. Critiques aside, this is a very sweet story. I love the descriptions of the world, and the interactions are wonderful.