The permanent one

The permanent one

The light has been drained out of the room, to the point that where only a few beams streak through the window. Those few rays are my only light saving me from the darkness preparing to engulf me. The shadows climb closer to claim my body submerged in the water. I inhale a slow breath, expanding my lungs as I slid lower into the water, my thoughts that I recently have contemplated float into my mind, weaving into my self-conscious as I try shoving them out the door.

The water slowly going cold, the vague sensation of the heat of the water absorb into my pores has now left a trail, missing them. With the progression of the heat fleeing the water my body temperature sinks with it. My arms rest lightly of the surface of the water reminding my sense of the feeling of loss I have.

I close my eyes and once again today try to find peace within myself, but as if there has been a blockade form: I feel trapped from being at rest, a carnivorous dog clamping with its steady jaws into my soul eating away any chance of escaping from any feeling other than self-loathing and the agony of my regret. I can here the whispers from my peers that surround the body that my subconscious lays in, they all dig their nails in and rip at all the walls I build to block out all their echoes and screams rigging in my ears.

I try to hide away find my own nook to escape there screening insult burning holes into the pit of my stomach, trying to salvage any hope I have ever had. My personal demon seems to follow me ruining any possible chance of making me feel any freedom from the shackles he has set on me. I stare at the ceiling in my bathroom and feel the rhythm of the pace of my heart, the muscle that lets me endure and be subjected to all of this acking.

I continue to feel a knocking on my skull my inner dreads pounding to let them in. I flush their exasperating adolescent taunts out. Today was no different than any other day, walking around, shadowed pasts haunting the present. There was no way to get rid of the simple mistake, no solutions that I could discover that could free me, be my salvation, but this one.

A few months ago everything was normal. My life was normal. I was undistinguished mundane teenage girl. We are all insecure emotional wrecks that feed on the first person that seems to care, to like us. Or that I think that’s how everyone is, because that’s how I am. Attention craving that is how I could describe myself. There were too many negative impulses in my life, I started acting on impulse, starting from taking large sips of alcohol from my parents’ stash of liquor, or the flirtatious clothes I grow to be accustom to. The black hole devoured me, piece by piece.

I try to push the memories and feeling further out of my mind. Chemical gases feel like their made a home embedded into my lungs, the memories hurt so much, I just want it to be over, to the point I suffocating, my mind creating delusions swaying me to imagine that I’m still dying once the air has been cleared. The delusion clouds my mind so by the time the pain comes back; I forgot to enjoy the moments I could still take a pause.

My parents, the ones that are supposed to love no matter what, can barely look me in the eye that almost hurts the most. It’s what I lost, their trust and respect. I lost everyone ones respects, trust, and love me. They just labeled the idea of what I am their have forgotten I am a person. I am not an easy conquest I am not someone that has no emotions: I am not an object. I am not a trophy.

I sink lower into the bathtub experiencing the vivid memories of the people that used to care about me turning their back on me. Turning their back on me when I needed them most, when I was being attacked. When I was being punched. When I was being knocked down, when people just wanted me to turn to dust and fly away. I felt broken.

I have sunken until my mouth was partially under the water. If I was to die I always said it was by drowning, I know supposedly it was the worse way to go, but I always felt almost at home in the substance. There was no other way to put it. I could feel the blood draining from me with all my worries gradually creasing. The light vanishing, reluctantly I tried to resist the temptation to just dunk my head into the water. I felt like I was still missing something, one last big revelation to invade my mind.

I think of the mistake that I made, the wrong person to trust, hoping his subconscious never to rest again and always to hold to my name. The imprint I left on him would abode in his darkest part of his heart. His broken promise to cross his mind every time he closed his eyes, I am this way because of his. He told a few to many people to forward the pictures from three to many friends and then everything caught flame and spread like a wild fire consuming everything that lay in it’s path, taking no hostages or prisoners.

I regret it all; I take everything from that moment, nothing to hide it. My past blemished with one permanent decision, that tarnishes my present and pollutes my future. I thought someone had finally omit the blotted interpretation of me, and saw who I really am, fractured from being beaten by words, bruised by pointing fingers and tortured by glares. He wanted something I wasn’t willing to give, but I still progressed to be characterized as something I wasn’t.

I am barely aware of anything just replaying the images of elapsed heartbreak. No, I wasn’t doing this for a guy. I moved slightly lower the water right by my nostrils, any deep intakes of breath and I would be breathing in water. I exhaled; the release of air caused a tiny ripple in the water. Then I dunk my head in, dunked many not be the right word, so I sunk my head into the water.

Only then did I feel the metal of the blade next to me. It was the knife I used about a ten minutes ago on my wrist, ankles and each of my ribs, making sure that that would do the job. I wanted to die by drowning, but I wanted it to be permanent no way of changing my mind. There would be no struggle in this act I would perform. This was no selfless thing I would do. It may hurt someone, but no one seemed to care and it was to late to fix this.

When I did die, for it was certain I would die any minute now, I wanted it to be in water. I didn’t in tended that it would be opaque with my blood, I liked the serenity of clear translucent blue water, but I was to drown. I felt the water around my facial features; I open my eyes carefully and feel some of the sting in my eyes of the saltiness of my inner fluid clouded my vision.

This is the point where I realized: nothing last forever, except this. The leaked pictures would have gone away. The bullying would have eventually decreased. The pain would one day cease to exist. The only permanent thing would be that I am dead; there is no way to undo that. I can’t start over from this. This was an abiding decision. This was it. My skin covered in blood, my hair swirled in it too. I closed my eyes. My lips part. Only slightly opening. Then I let out the last bubbles of air escaped climbing to the surface. The crimson water comes rushing in.