Chapter 6:
Emily's POV – The next day at school was almost unbearable. Brent was really popular, and I was kind of popular too. Everyone saw us yesterday, and everyone saw my emotional breakdown. We were the talk of the school. People were whispering about me and looking at me like I had 2 heads. It got on my nerves, but I didn't let them see that it was getting to me.
Brent had called me this morning. He had gotten in late last night and stayed up just to call me when I woke up. He was starting his new school tomorrow and as much as I miss him, I was jealous. He gets a fresh start, to make his own impression again. But I still miss him so much and it's only been less than 24 hours.
My best friend Tatiana stood by my side all day. She made me forget about all the gossip that was going around and I didn't cry all day.
As soon as the bell rang to dismiss school I texted Brent. He answered right after I sent it.
E: Hey
B: How was it?
E: Boring...
B: Thought so
E: I miss you, come back.
A minute later my phone rang and it was Brent calling me
E: What's up?
B: Here I am
E: What?
B: You said you missed me so here I am
E: Brent...
B: Well? Are you going to tell me what's wrong or do I have to virtually tickle you till you tell me.
E: ...people are talking
B: Well I don't mean to brag but I was pretty popular.
E: I know... I mean about me.
B: What are they saying?
E: Rumors... and speculations... and other random crap.
B: Let them talk then. Let them spread rumors and make speculations and say all the random crap they want. The only thing that matters is that you know the truth. What could they possibly be saying anyway?
E: ...that we did it and that you're the father of a child I'm supposedly pregnant with... apparently I've been looking more 'curvy'...
There was complete silence and for a second I thought he had hung up. The tears streamed silently down my face.
B: Emily Baker, stop crying right this second. You are skinny! They aren't the ones who know how stunning you look in your bikini and pregnant, seriously? That's the oldest one in the book. They could have at least come up with something better.
I laugh in spite of myself. Talking to him about it already made me feel a lot better; a hug from him would make it all go away but that isn't possible anymore. And then a thought occurs to me.
E: How did you know something was wrong?
B: I've known you since the second grade. We have been friends since... except for the exception of the past couple years. You don't think I'd be able to tell?
We hung up a couple minutes after that because he had to leave. I decided to do my homework before basketball practice.
I made the school team. A lot of people don't believe me when I tell them I play basketball. It's because of my image; I seem too girly for any sport. At 5:30 my mom came home and she took me to practice.
Brent's POV – I had called Emily this morning when I knew she was awake. My flight had gotten in at 1 in the morning so I decided to stay up.
It was 2:40 P.M. on the dot when Emily texted me, exactly when the bell rings at school. I answer immediately, and she tells me to come back. That's when I know something is wrong so I call her.
E: What's up?
B: Here I am
E: What?
B: You said you missed me so here I am
E: Brent...
B: Well? Are you going to tell me what's wrong or do I have to virtually tickle you till you tell me?
E: ...people are talking
B: Well I don't mean to brag but I was pretty popular.
E: I know... I mean about me.
B: What are they saying?
E: Rumors... and speculations ... and other random crap.
B: Let them talk then. Let them spread rumors and make speculations and say all the random crap they want. The only thing that matters is that you know the truth. What could they possibly be saying anyway?
E: ...that we did it and that you're the father of a child I'm supposedly pregnant with... apparently I've been looking more 'curvy'...
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I was so tempted to get on the next flight back and beat the crap out of all of them. I didn't even know what to say.
B: Emily Baker, stop crying right this second. You are skinny! They aren't the ones who know how stunning you look in your bikini and pregnant, seriously? That's the oldest one in the book. They could have at least come up with something better.
I hear her laugh at that and I smile, happy that I made her a bit happier.
E: How did you know something was wrong?
B: I've known you since the second grade. We have been friends since... except for the exception of the past couple years. You don't think I'd be able to tell?
I dreaded hanging up but it was time for dinner, I had to unpack still, and I had to get ready because I start school tomorrow. Also I know Emily has basketball practice soon tonight.
I go to bed that night but I can't sleep. It isn't the new house, but I have too much on my mind. I still can't believe my 'friends' would say that. I was too restless and I saw every hour of the night on my clock.
Tatiana's POV – I knew my classmates were mean, but I never thought they could reach this level of crazy. After Brent left yesterday and everyone saw Emily and him, they started spreading rumors. All of them were false and they had no idea what they were saying.
As I was walking to lunch to meet up with Emily, I heard a group of kids talking.
"I bet she's pregnant."
"I bet he's the father."
"She looks fatter."
"Emily's a bitch anyway, she deserves it." I couldn't bear to hear anymore. I marched up to them with my fists clenched.
"Hey asshole, listen up. Emily is not pregnant, Brent is not a father. Emily is not a bitch! Quit trash talking before I whip all your asses!" They all looked at me with disgust, but they walked away.
I took a deep breath and kept walking. I'm not going to tell her, I decide. But the second I see Emily I realize she already knows.
The rest of the day I walk with her everywhere. I avert their eyes and shut them all up so she didn't have to deal with them. Emily has already dealt with enough crap for one month; she doesn't need to deal with more.
Chapter 7:
Emily's POV – The next few days were the same. The whispers stared getting worse, and some of my friends were distancing themselves. Brent had a new group of friends and I was starting to think I lost him too. The only people who stayed were my best friends Scarlett, Britny, Sasha, and Tatiana. Peter would only talk to me if no one else was around.
I was walking down the hall with my head down when someone stepped in front of me and I smacked into them, making all my books drop. When I looked up, it was Kyle Ramirez. He used you be my best friend, but then he asked me out and I said no and he started mixing with the wrong crowd. Brent, him, and I were an unbreakable trio.
"Hey, watch where you are going loser." I ignored him and bent down to pick up my books. He kicked them away and I started to get angry. I went to go pick up my books again and walked away in the other direction as fast as I could. I found the nearest bathroom and locked myself in a stall.
I sat down on the seat with my feet up silently crying. This is where I'm going to stay for the rest of lunch. I'm not even hungry, I decided. But my stomach grumbled. I ignored it and waited for the bell to ring.
Brent's POV – I already had some friends which, again, were the popular ones. I had almost forgotten about Emily. I was going to call her when one of my friends told me to come to their party. I put it off and went to the party. I promised myself I'd call her tomorrow.
Scarlett's POV – Something was wrong with Emily. She kept saying that she was fine and she didn't believe and of it, but I could hear it in her voice. That sound, there was always a little change and it was her voice breaking from trying not to cry. I hated hearing that in anyone, especially my best friend. But she could always disappear, and I couldn't finish talking to her.
I had looked for her at lunch every day of the week but she wasn't anywhere. I started to get nervous, but I pushed it past me, hoping that she was eating it somewhere else.
Britny's POV – On the bus rides, I was talking a lot about random things to try and cheer Emily up. She looked so sad. I invited her to go shopping this weekend but for the first time, she said no. I tried not to take it personally but it was had. Shopping with each other when we were sad was our tradition. I decided to let it go in the end.
Sasha's POV – I hadn't seen Emily anywhere in school the whole week. I only saw her on the bus but she was really quiet and Britny kept talking. I made conversation with her and tried to include Emily but she just stared out the window the whole time. I wanted to do something. I was no match for all the bullies which was the whole school, so I didn't know what to do.
Tatiana's POV – Emily started disappearing more and more. When I Finally got the chance to talk to her, I told her she should be a magician. She gave me a small smile and walked away again. I couldn't find her at lunch either and I started to fear the worst.
Kyle's POV – I saw my ex- best friend Emily walking my way. She was alone and she wasn't looking up so I took an opportunity. I walked right in front of her and kept my balance as she bumped into me. She stepped back and her books fell.
She looked up at me and her blue eyes stared into mine. My legs got weak but I recovered quickly.
"Hey, watch where you're going loser." I told her. When she bent down to pick up her books, I kicked them away. She didn't even look up; she just chased after them and walked away in the other direction. I could hear my friends all laughing behind me.
As I watched her walk, I remembered all of our secrets and played back our memories. I remembered why I loved her. My best friend came up next to me.
"She's got a nice ass." He told me. I resisted every urge in my body not to punch him. They can't know how much I miss her. I suddenly felt guilty but I pushed it away. No one can know that I still love her.
Chapter 8:
Brent's POV – The second I woke up the next morning, I called Emily. Luckily it was a Saturday so she wasn't at school. I waited anxiously as it rung. After the seventh ring, my hoped fell. I thought about what I was going to say but nothing came to mind. My mind was blank and I had even forgotten why I called. I stayed silent even after I heard the beep.
"Hey... Emily... it's me, Brent. Uh ... I was uh... just wondering... how you were doing? I hope you're ok and you hear this soon. Call me back when you can... Hey... I miss you... alright... Bye." I hung up and stared at my phone. Anger surged through me. I threw my phone at my pillow and ran my hands through my hair. I knew I was alone because my parents were out with my brother looking day-care so I screamed. I screamed until my throat started hurting. And even then I still screamed. My head hurt and my throat was sore when I finally stopped. I grabbed my punching bag and gloves out of one of the boxes. I started hitting it as hard as I could to try to blow off some steam.
I was at it for about an hour even though I still didn't feel better. I gave up and went to take a shower, but there was still one thing nagging me. I asked myself over and over again: When did I forget how to talk to my best friend?
Emily's POV – I woke up to the sound of my phone ringing. I recognized it as Brent's ringtone but I looked at my screen to check just in case. Sure enough it was him but then I saw the time and jumped out of bed. I got into the shower.
I had a game in an hour and my whole team thinks I'm crazy for showering before a game, but it wakes me up and that's when I'm at my best.
I don't know why I didn't answer my phone because it wasn't because of time. I started to regret it but I didn't want to call him back.
When I got out I changed into my uniform and did my hair. I had a couple minutes to spare so I grabbed my phone and sat on my bed. I saw that he had left me a message so I listen to it.
"Hey... Emily... it's me, Brent. Uh ... I was uh... just wondering... how you were doing? I hope you're ok and you hear this soon. Call me back when you can... Hey... I miss you... alright... Bye."
I was kind of shocked, but upset. He sounded awkward; like it was the first time he had ever called me. The tears surfaced as a thought crossed my mind. 'You lost him' the little voice in my head repeated to me. I tried not to listen to it but it haunted me the whole car ride there.
It finally stopped when the referee blew his whistle and I got ready to jump for the tip-off.
Chapter 9:
Emily's POV – We crushed the other team in the game, and I made most of the shots, but still, everyone hates me. I try to ignore it but it's harder when a lot of them used to be your 'friends'. I just didn't know how to deal with it.
"How did you do it?" I ask Sasha. We were sitting on top of a ramp at a local skate park. It was late at night and we were the only ones there. There were a few lamp posts giving off just enough light to make out her silhouette.
"Do what?" She asks me. Her feet were swinging. Both our parents thought we were asleep. It was already 11:30 and we had just stopped skating. The exhaustion from today's game was starting to get to me.
"Deal with it all, you know the bullying and all of that?" I looked at her and was a little stunned to see her smiling.
"I wouldn't say that I dealt with it; more like coped with it."
"It's the same thing." I tell her laughing a little. "How did you... make it; how did you get them to leave you alone?"
"I just started to ignore them after a while. They got bored and moved on."
"What about before that?" The smile faded from her face and she looks away. For a second I feel bad, like I've gone too far. But then she takes a deep breath and begins to tell me her story.
Sasha's POV – It was around 11:30 at night and I was sitting on top of a ramp at the local skate park. My parents were long asleep so I just snuck out and met up with Emily here. I was swinging my feet happy that they were finally dangling, when Emily breaks the silence.
"How did you do it?" She asks me. I know what she is talking about, but I ask her anyway.
"Do what?"
"Deal with it all, you know the bullying and all of that?" I don't answer right away but not because I don't know how but because I don't want to tell her the truth. I smiled to cover it up.
"I wouldn't say that I dealt with it; more like coped with it." I finally say. I meet her eyes, the light from the nearest lamp post directly on her face.
"It's the same thing." She laughs. "How did you... make it; how did you get them to leave you alone?"
"I just started to ignore them after a while. They got bored and moved on."
"What about before that?" I look away now, trying to hold back the tears. I feel like I should tell her the truth, like I owe it to her. I feel like it would be nice to get it off my chest after all this time of holding it in and bottling it all up. I take a deep breathe before I start, and search my memory. I decide to tell her the whole story.
Chapter 10:
"As you know, it all started in 5th grade. Why? I don't know which asshole started it because they all started at once. What you don't know is that it didn't stop until 6th grade. A lot of the time, I was upset about tit. I let it get to me, and it ruled my life. My whole life revolved around if they would tease me about whatever I did. I used to be late all the time, trying to puck out the perfect outfit. Before my mom got the job she has now, we were pretty poor. I could even afford Target. That was just another thing to puck on me about; the hand me downs, cheap clothes, shoes that weren't whole. Every time I looked in a mirror, all I saw were my flaws and everything they said to me, I started to believe it. Now I regret it, and resent myself for doing that. I get mad because... I didn't deal with it right. I got called at the most, so when I started believing it I wanted to change it of course. I developed an eating disorder. I stopped eating, and whenever I had to eat, I made myself... lose it. I got so skinny it was considered unhealthy. I ended up in the hospital for a week where they fed me through tubes and gave me a whole bunch of medication. I ended up in the hospital for a week. After that I opened my eyes. It was almost the end of 5th grade by then. They bothered me about that and all throughout summer online and they came to my house and chased me more than once. But I had learned to ignore them and I only smiled when I was faster than all of them. They tried again in 6th grade because their mentality was that in person it would affect me more. But still it didn't and they gave up after a week in the end. I got way better, started eating again, started loving me, and met you. That brings me here."
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125,004 Literary Works • 672,792 Reviews
Hello hello! I'm here to bring this out of the green room for ya! I love drama + romance so let's go!
Typically with multiple POVs, each POV has it's own chapter or at least its own full scene. You skip between the POVs a lot in this chapter which isn't wrong or bad, but to me, it starts to feel jumpy. You also include the same scene again but from someone else's POV which starts to feel a little repetitive.
Well you're definitely bringing the drama! Even though I'm coming in late, I liked that it was still pretty clear what the central conflict of the story is and what's happening here. I enjoy stories about slut shaming (bullying or being mean to girls that choose to have sex) because I think it's important to talk about it. I also love the added drama of is she or is she not pregnant. I'm so up for a good YA novel that really shows what it's like to be a teenage mother. (not sure if that's where you're going with this but that's okay).
I have a few big picture thoughts for you to hopefully help you with your next draft.
1. Multiple POVs.
I love multiple point of views. I think when done well, it can really amplify the story. What makes multiple POVs successful is when each POV has a distinct and important part in the story - without that POV the reader would be missing a vital part of the story. Each POV should also have its own distinct and unique voice. So I should be able to open the book to any page and be able to tell by the writing alone which POV this is. That's tricky to do! Voice is super tricky, but we can talk about that more later
So, for the next draft, as you outline and think about the important scenes in the novel and what needs to be included in each chapter, I would also think about which POV absolutely will show the scene the best and write the entire scene from that POV. That way, you can really develop each POV and we can really get into the heads of each character.
Speaking of getting into heads...
2. Showing and voice.
One of the reasons why I love multiple POVs and first person is because you can really get into a character's head and really get to know a character. With voice, the basic idea is that you're showing who the character is and what their personality is like through the writing. With first person, this often means lots of lovely inner monologue or thoughts. I think overall, you can show a lot more, but I would love to see more thoughts/feelings/thought processes/etc. (This is something I say a lot in reviews, so you're not alone, and it's tough!)
First drafts are awesome for just getting the story out and figuring out who the main players are and how they're going to interact. Second drafts are great because you can get a little deeper into your plot and into your characters and it's much easier to show more. I think one thing that would be helpful to you in your next draft is slowing down and really plotting out your plot arcs and character arcs to help you pace and to help you know which scenes need to go where so you can really slow each scene down and show, show, show.
That's tough to do, so please PM me if you have any questions or need any help plotting or with anything else! I absolutely love dramatic/realistic/romantic stories and I would be more than happy to help you with your next draft and/or read the next draft. I would also recommend checking out the Knowledge Base if you haven't already because there are some awesome articles in there about all things writing! I use stuff in there all the time to help me!
I think there's some more of this story in the green room so I might see you again soon, but in the meantime please let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing! I think this story has some definite potential. I love the overall idea of it! Please keep working on it
Thank you so much! This review is amaing
This is Castor dropping in for a review!
The first paragraph starts off with a bunch of telling. Instead of being shown that Brent was popular in the first five chapters, we're instead told that he's popular at the start of chapter six. While there was a mention in the first chapter that stated the fact that he was talking to his guy friends, I'm willing to wager that it wasn't enough of an example to really solidify the fact that Brent was popular (or the fact that Emily was popular too.)
Now, I'd love to see this. I would love to see and experience it with Emily. She was the talk of the school? Then go into detail. Mention the one kid from science class that kept giggling at her and how it made all of the hairs stand up on the back of her neck, explore the reactions of her other friends as they experienced it with her. Did they defend Emily as she tried to not let the ridicule affect her? Or did they stand to the side and let her take the brunt of everything without so much thought of emotional support.
A stronger start to chapter six might have started in the middle of the school day, while she was in something like class, lunch, or in the halls. The connection that the reader feels with Emily as the main character would probably be strengthened if they experienced the rumor-spreading, whispering, and strange looks with her. It's not as powerful to listen to her explain it all back before beginning the real action of a chapter.
I highly recommend reading this article, since I fear my explanation might lead you away from the usefulness and helpfulness of summarizing certain aspects of stories: Summary vs. Scene
While obviously introducing new characters is often needed for a story, I really don't understand why she hadn't been mentioned previously. I also don't understand why the introduction to her was only two sentences long. (I'm reviewing as I go along, so forgive me for that.) The only thing about her character right now is that she exists to comfort the main character and make sure the main character wasn't upset the entire day. Now, there is a time and a place for developing personality but... why wait until chapter six to introduce the person who was supposedly her best friend? If waiting until chapter six was the right call, then why not flesh out both her and Emily's character by writing out an entire scene instead of giving a short two sentence snippet?
The method of displaying text messages is fine, however switching the methods for text and phone conversations would probably be a good stylistic decision. Honestly, during the first brief run through, I had missed the sentence that had explained that Brent had called Emily and I had assumed that they were still texting. For displaying conversations that take place over phone call, writing it as if it was in-person dialogue works really well and isn't as confusing. It also allows for more personal reactions, given the fact that dialogue tags can easily sway how a reader interprets a sentence.
So instead of this:
It would be this:
My example obviously isn't the best and it can be improved upon, but I would recommend aiming for something similar to that.
There seems to be a bit of an error with the phrasing of the sentence highlighted in red, haha. Presumably, Brent does not know how stunning Emily looks in a bikini and pregnant. From what the reader can assume currently, Emily has not been pregnant so being in a bikini while pregnant is not a possibility. What Brent probably meant to say was, "They aren't the ones who know how stunning you look in your bikini! And pregnant? Seriously?"
I may have missed something, but there hasn't been too much of Emily's image presented. We're told she's semi-popular, but we don't see it in action. Same with the fact that she's seen as too girly for any sport, we're just told that. How do we even know that Emily is a reliable narrator without seeing something back up some of her claims?
With Brent's POV, the issues I raised up last time are almost the same to what I have now. The dialogue is repeated and there's no new insight added to it, so it gets boring to read and is frankly really repetitious.
Maybe cut everything from Brent's POV before that paragraph and distribute the information in the rest of his section of the chapter (also maybe expand his section of the chapter a majority of his part isn't just repeating what we already knew from Emily's half). It's dinner time for him, so he hangs up and starts to yawn since he had been up since well before 1am the day before. Despite being tired, he finishes his dinner goes up to his room and completely forgoes unpacking, instead taking the time to sit and think through all of his friends. With this part of the story, Brent could easily be a window into the dynamics of Emily's current school. Is there a culture of gossip? Are fake friends common, especially in the popular circles? How much does this hurt Brent in the long run? If Brent kept in contact with any of his other friends, does he also reach out to them and try to ask about the rumors going around? There's so much that can be done with this!
Moving onto Tatiana's POV. I like her loyalty and protectiveness! Again, I wish there were some things about her character currently separated from Emily's current plight, but I do understand that there's a time and place for that. Hopefully she'll be expanded on along with Sasha and Britny.
How many friends was she used to having? Haha, now this is a good way to portray how popular she was. To me, having a circle of four friends seems like a good number (also, who is Scarlett? Haven't seen her before either) however she's definitely used to having plenty more people talking to her and interacting with her.
*to be, not you be.
What constitutes a "wrong crowd" for Emily? Did Kyle start hanging out with kids who did drugs or did he join the emo kids who wrote poetry and wore all black? Those are two very different possibilities that could have been true under the brief description she gave us.
Also, how many best friends does/did Emily have?
Useful information. A bit short to have it be a complete POV change.
Again, the switches between Scarlett, Britny, Sasha, and Tatiana definitely do have useful information in them, but the changes are a bit too short to completely warrant a change in perspective. It almost seems like the cast of characters is too large to justify all of the switches.
Chapter 9 and chapter 10 could probably be combined into one chapter. "I decide to tell her the whole story." This sentence doesn't necessarily have to be a break into the next chapter, just a break for the next paragraph to start.
I do like seeing Sasha's character expanded upon! My only real critiques are how it's really presented. Everything was jumbled into one super-long paragraph, with multiple spelling mistakes, with no break at all, so it was incredibly difficult to read in one sitting without losing my spot and trailing off. I'd suggest breaking it into multiple paragraphs and maybe add in Emily's and Sasha's own reactions as she told her tale.
If you have any questions or comments, then I'd be happy to respond! I hope this helps.
Best,
Castor
I think you should post these chapters individually, you have plenty of points and it would make it far more reviewable. Because, I mean this would take the average reader (according to google) 87 minutes to read. Be reasonable :c
Thank you. I was considering it, but your comment actually made me go through with it. I split it up into many different sets of chapters so that it would be shorter.