z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Please Remember Me (Chapters 16-20)

by skylnn00writes


Chapter 16:

Emily's POV – When I got home the next day, my parents' cars were parked out front. I immediately got suspicious and nervous; they never get home before 5:30. I walked in to see my parents sitting at the kitchen counter. They both turned in the stool to look at me at the same time when I walked in, a look of worry covering their faces. My heart rate sped up and I could feel it in my chest.

"Uh oh... What happened?" I ask them. I clench the strap of my backpack tighter and my knuckles turn white.

"Emily we need to head over to the hospital."

"Right now, why?! What happened?" I start to panic. 10 different people cross my minds and 20 different reasons they were there crossed it too. I shuddered.

"We will fill you in on the way there." I run upstairs and throw my backpack on the ground in my room. I run back downstairs and get into the back seat of the car. My dad drives off and I listen intently, making sure not to miss any details.

"Sasha is the one in the hospital. There are no new updates but all we know is that she was asleep 30 minutes ago, Form what we were told, she was riding her skateboard and a car hit her. They brought her in and did a whole bunch of tests. We are waiting on the results. I sat back in the seats and bounced my leg the rest of the way there.

Chapter 17:

Sasha's POV – A couple minutes later, there was another knock on my door. I looked up and there she was.

My sister looked almost the same as when she left. Long blonde hair, blue eyes brighter than the sky, and she was still very skinny. She looked like she had grown a couple inches too. Then she smiles that big white toothy smile of hers; so bright it can make you happy on your worst day.

"Emily... you're all grown up!" she starts walking towards me. I'm too stunned to say anything so I sit there with my mouth half open like an idiot.

"I – What – Where did you – How –" I stutter. My mind echoes with a million questions and I can't single out the most important one. She just stares at me so I decide to pick the first one I think of. "Where have you been?" She sighs, rolls her eyes, and then puts on an annoyed face.

"You haven't seen your sister in 7 years and that's what you greet me with? No hello or hey sis or even I've missed you would have worked."

"You lost the 'hello' 7years ago when you left. You lost the 'hey sis' 6 years ago when you got emancipated. You lost the 'I've missed you' over the years when you didn't even bother to call. You missed 7 birthdays including my sweet 16, double digits, and being a teenager. You missed my graduations, all the times I've won an award, my bullying, getting Bucky which is our new dog so you know. You missed it all. Now you can't go back, you can't not leave, and you can't un-miss all my most important moments; my first dance, my first date, my first boyfriend, and my first breakup. Sisters are supposed to help and support each other through that, not abandon each other. But most of all, you can't mend this, our friendship. You can't fix us."

Chapter 18:

Emily's POV – The car was still moving when I jumped out. I ran inside and walked up to the nurse at the front desk. I was about to ask where I could find Sasha when I saw her parents walking towards me. I went and gave them each a hug,

"How is she?" I asked.

"We were waiting for you to hear the doctor's report." I nod my head and follow them up to her room. As soon as I saw her I gave her a hug. We let go when the doctor walked in.

"Okay. Well first off, she will be fine. Now as far as her injuries go she has a slight concussion, thankfully no memory loss. She has a broken leg, a sprained wrist, and 27 stitches on her left thigh."

"How do I have stitches?" Sasha asks and pulls away the blanket. She lifts up the robe as far as she can and reveals a huge gash on her left thigh.

"Sasha! How did that even happen?" Her mother asks her with wide eyes.

"I don't know! I didn't even feel it."

"We have to keep you here for a week to make sure everything is healing properly and you don't get any infections." With that he starts to walk out but then he stops and turns around at the door way. "Oh, I almost forgot. I am very sorry to tell you that during the accident, you lost your baby."

Sasha's POV – I was filled with too much anger and resentment towards her that I didn't even feel upset when she ran out crying. I just sat there going over the words in my head and playing back the memories she wasn't there for. I only got happier when I saw my parents walk in, followed by Emily. She ran over and we hugged for a long time. I wanted to tell her about my sister, but everyone else would hear. Then the doctor came in and she pulled away. I crossed my fingers and prayed that it wasn't too bad.

I listened to him tell me about my injuries. He surprised me when he told us I had 27 stitches in my left thigh. I pulled off my blanket and lifted up the robe I was wearing.

"How do I have stitches?"

"Sasha! How did that even happen?"

"I don't know! I didn't even feel it." My mouth was wide open. The doctor was leaving when he turned back around.

"Oh, I almost forgot. I am sorry but during the accident, you lost your baby."

Chapter 19:

Sasha's POV – Everyone was looking at me and I didn't know what to do. Emily was the only one who knew, but she was also shocked. I had only been 2 months in. I didn't want to look up and see the disappointment on my parents faces. I heard the door open and footsteps going down the hall getting fainter. When I looked up I was alone.

I started to cry. It started off as a tiny sob, and developed into me bawling my eyes out. I just sat there crying. At first it was about my family walking away from me, and then it was about losing my baby, that I couldn't have kept either way. But now, I cried for everything that was wrong with my life. Losing my father when I was 7, for losing my older brother to an OD 2 years ago, for being bullied, for being backstabbed by so many people so many times the scar is still there, for not having a lot of friends that I can count on, for developing an eating disorder, for my horrible step-dad. Everything echoed in my mind.

No one came back and I was exhausted to I fell asleep, still crying.

Emily's POV – I was stunned and speechless. I looked at Sasha and she looked back at me, her eyes pleading for help. I just stared back. I wanted to help her and I felt terrible for not being able to, but I didn't know what to say. She looked down and wouldn't meet anyone's gaze. I looked at her parents to see their reaction, but they were walking out the door. I would have stayed with Sasha, but I followed her parents to try and change their mind for Sasha.

"Mrs. Winfeild, please wait!" I pleaded to her. She stopped and turned around, Sasha's step dad came up and put an arm around her but I only looked at her. Tears were in her eyes and I didn't blame her.

"Emily dear, I know you have good intentions and you want to help Sasha, but I just need time to process this and figure out how to deal with it."

"But she needs you, right now more than ever because of the truth. You don't know the story and I do, but it isn't my place to tell you. I am asking you to please stop and stay with her, and be there for your daughter, please."

"I'm sorry Emily, I really am." Mrs. Winfeild told me. She gave me a small smile and then her and her husband walked away. I just watched her walk away from her daughter, the only child she has left.

Chapter 20:

Emily's POV – It's been a few days since the accident, and the whole school was talking about it. Somehow it had gotten out that Sasha was pregnant. I had gone to visit her every day at the hospital. She pretended that she was fine but I knew she wasn't. Her mom and step dad had left town and gone to their lake house so she was going to stay with us when she released.

The only person I had talked to about it all was Britny. I was never that close with her because she had never been that emotional with others; she only ever cares about her own problems.

I hadn't talked to Brent at all and I wanted to talk to him so I decided to call him. It rang a couple times and then went straight to voicemail. I thought it was strange so I left him a voicemail just in case his phone was off. I took a shower and changed into sweatpants and a perfect fit shirt. I checked my phone but there weren't any messages. I was on my laptop looking at skateboards and signing up for some competitions.

A heard a slight ring like the doorbell but I ignored it since my parents were some. But a couple minutes later there was a knock at my door and my mom was standing there with a smile on her face.

"There is someone here to see you." I get up and follow her down the stairs and towards the kitchen. I'm about to walk in when I stop and listen; a familiar voice talks inside and I almost don't believe it.

"No, it can't be." I say to no one in particular and begin to smile. I burst through the door.

Sasha's POV – It's been really boring and I can't do much. I was starting to get suck of lying down on the hospital beds.

Emily had just left a couple minutes ago and I was getting ready for bed.

"Knock knock..." Someone says. I turn towards the door and see Britny standing there with a big box of my favorite candy, Ferrero Rocher. My eyes open wide and I'm suddenly fully awake.

"Britny my dear have I told you how much I love you lately?" She laughs and hands me the box but I decide not to open it.

"I just wanted to check in and see how you're doing." I don't look up ar her. I know she knows about the baby, the whole school does. How everyone found out, I don't know.

"I'm fine...." We sit there in awkward silence for a while. "Britny, I'm sorry." I finally tell her. She doesn't look up at me and for a second I think she doesn't know what I'm talking about.

"It's okay..." She says. I have known her long enough to know she was just saying that. If I wasn't ling in a hospital bed, she would probably be screaming at me that I should be sorry.

"I know your lying." I notice I shouldn't have said it the second I do because she looks at me with tears in her eyes.

"Yeah, you're right, I am lying. I don't forgive you. Call me selfish but I thought you would have told me, your best friend since kindergarten!" I can't answer so I don't but that ticks her off even more. "I have to go. Sorry I bothered to come." She walks out and I hear her heals all the way down the hall. I add her to my mental list of people I've lost.

Britny's POV – When I came home from school, I finished all of my homework in an hour. I had dinner and took a shower but it was still pretty early and I didn't want to go to bed her so I asked my mom if she could take me to the hospital to see Sasha.

I hadn't seen her since before her accident, and I was mad she hadn't told me she was pregnant but I wanted to try and say that aside for the night. I stop at the store on the way there.

"Knock Knock." I sat when I get there. She looks at me then sees the box of her favorite chocolate in my hands and her eyes light up.

"Britny my dear have I told you how much I love you lately?" I laugh and give it to her. To my surprise she doesn't open it.

"I just wanted to check in and see how you're doing." She doesn't look up at me or respond for a while.

"I'm fine...." We sit there in silence and then she talks again. "Britny, I'm sorry." I try not to get mad at her.

"It's okay..."

"I know your lying." I can't hold it back anymore. She has to know how I feel.

"Yeah, you're right, I am lying. I don't forgive you. Call me selfish but I thought you would have told me, your best friend since kindergarten!" she stays silent and I feel bad. I'm being selfish; she was going through all this and I got mad because she didn't tell me something? But it was pretty big; it's been 2 months also. "I have to go. Sorry I bothered to come." I go outside and get in the car. My mom sees I'm upset but she doesn't say a word and I'm glad. We drive home in silence.


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1162 Reviews


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Sat Apr 15, 2017 7:45 pm
Carlito wrote a review...



Hello again! I'm back for more! :D

The big thing I want to mention in this review is pacing and chapter length. I think overall, your content is good. You have a lot of drama and there's a lot going on in this story, which is a good thing! I think where you're running into problems is that you're trying to fit too much into a short amount of time and space, and you can slow everything way down and your chapters can be much longer.

So how do you do that? There are couple of different ways, and there's no one right or wrong way, but I'll share a few things I find helpful.

First, plan out what you want the major plot point of your chapter to be. Figure out how the plot is going to move forward in that chapter, and which characters absolutely have to be included in the chapter.

Second, show, show, show. Think about thoughts and feelings and show, show, show. Let's look at chapter 16 and break that down a little more:

I immediately got suspicious and nervous; they never get home before 5:30.

Instead of telling us she's suspicious and nervous, show us that. What is going through her mind? What is she afraid of? What is she speculating?
I'm suspicious, they never get home before 5:30. I wonder.... I'm afraid.... I'm nervous.... (and show us what specifically she's thinking about).

I walked in

Slow this moment down. You can also use this to show that she's suspicious and nervous. Does she go in right away or does she take a few seconds wondering what's going to happen when she goes inside? Does she walk in slowly or does she race in to see what's going on? When she gets inside does she take her shoes off? Does she stall? Does she immediately go to find her parents? Does she see them right away? You mention that they're sitting at the kitchen counter, is the kitchen the first thing you see when walking in?

They both turned in the stool to look at me at the same time when I walked in, a look of worry covering their faces.

What does this "look of worry" look like? Do their eyebrows come together? Are their eyes red? Does it look like they've been crying? Are they wringing their hands? Shifting in their seats? Etc.

My heart rate sped up and I could feel it in my chest.

She can feel her heart speed up but then what's going through her mind? What is she thinking about right now? Is she afraid she's about to get in trouble? Is she afraid something bad happened? Show us more of her fear.

"Uh oh... What happened?" I ask them. I clench the strap of my backpack tighter and my knuckles turn white.

How does she ask? Is it a confident voice? Soft voice? Shaky voice? I liked that you added the little detail of her clenching her backpack strap! Little things like that show how she's feeling and help the reader feel the overall tone and feel for the character. I want to feel stressed and nervous as I read this.

"Emily we need to head over to the hospital."

Who says this and how do they say it? What goes through her mind when she hears it?

I start to panic.

What does this mean? Is it just her voice that's showing her panic? How else would we know she's panicking? What does this look like?

10 different people cross my minds and 20 different reasons they were there crossed it too.

Show us more of this thought process. Who is coming through her mind? What is she afraid of? What is her worst case scenario?

"We will fill you in on the way there."

Again, who says this? And I feel like we missed a step? All we know is that someone is in the hospital. I feel like we need to know why the parents were waiting here instead of calling her from the hospital. I also feel like we need to know that they're planning on going up to the hospital right away. I would also like to know what's going through her mind then.

I run upstairs and throw my backpack on the ground in my room.

Does someone tell her to do this or does she do it on her own? I think you could expand the conversation a little more after revealing someone is in the hospital - what's the plan, what are they going to do. Then she runs upstairs and gets ready. You can show her getting ready too. Show her frantically running around trying to figure out what she needs and trying to get herself together before she rushes back downstairs and gets into the car. Maybe she trips because she's nervous. Maybe she fumbles with the seat belt because her hands are shaking imagining who is in the hospital and why. Like that little detail earlier, think about what other little details you can add to set the mood and show how she's feeling.

Then when they share the news, who says it and how do they say it? She bounces her leg the rest of the drive, but what's going through her mind? What's she feeling?

You see how adding in some of those details will not only expand your chapter but will enrich the chapter? It's tough and it definitely takes some practice, but I know you can do it! You have a super interesting idea here and I think slowing down and showing more will help you take it to the next level.

Let me know if you have any questions, or if there's something you'd like feedback about that I didn't mention, and I'll probably be back for the next segment soon! Keep on working on this please! :D






This review is also amazing!! I can't thank you enough for taking the time to read all of this, I know it's long. Thank you so much :smt001



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Sun Apr 02, 2017 3:56 pm
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BluesClues wrote a review...



I'm back!

So the first thing I want to talk about today is the amount of repeated information in your story.

"Okay. Well first off, she will be fine. Now as far as her injuries go she has a slight concussion, thankfully no memory loss. She has a broken leg, a sprained wrist, and 27 stitches on her left thigh."

"How do I have stitches?" Sasha asks and pulls away the blanket. She lifts up the robe as far as she can and reveals a huge gash on her left thigh.

"Sasha! How did that even happen?" Her mother asks her with wide eyes.

"I don't know! I didn't even feel it."

Sasha - I listened to him tell me about my injuries. He surprised me when he told us I had 27 stitches in my left thigh. I pulled off my blanket and lifted up the robe I was wearing.

"How do I have stitches?"

"Sasha! How did that even happen?"

"I don't know! I didn't even feel it."


"I'm fine...." We sit there in awkward silence for a while. "Britny, I'm sorry." I finally tell her. She doesn't look up at me and for a second I think she doesn't know what I'm talking about.

"It's okay..." She says. I have known her long enough to know she was just saying that. If I wasn't ling in a hospital bed, she would probably be screaming at me that I should be sorry.

"I know your lying." I notice I shouldn't have said it the second I do because she looks at me with tears in her eyes.

Britny - "I'm fine...." We sit there in silence and then she talks again. "Britny, I'm sorry." I try not to get mad at her.

"It's okay..."

"I know your lying." I can't hold it back anymore. She has to know how I feel.


I understand you're trying to show us the same scenes from different characters' POVs, but it gets to be too much pretty quickly. Rather than rehashing the exact dialogue repeatedly - which gets dull because readers have heard it before - trying switching things up a bit. You could paraphrase the dialogue rather than copying it verbatim or have different characters focus on different lines or aspects of the conversations.

Example:

I listened to him tell me about my injuries. He surprised me when he told us I had 27 stitches in my left thigh. I pulled off my blanket and lifted up the robe I was wearing.


So there you see that Sasha "listened to him tell me about my injuries" without putting the doctor's dialogue down word-for-word a second time - which is good, because readers already know what he said word-for-word at this point.

I think this will also help you with your other major option right now, which is pacing. There are a lot of big moments and big emotion in this chapter - Sasha's sister casually walks back into her life after seven years, the doctor lets the whole room know Sasha was pregnant in the same breath he announces the baby died (what an awful doctor, you'd think he'd pull the parents aside first or talk to Sasha privately first or something), Sasha's parents walk out on her, and her best friend from kindergarten abandons her.

That's so much stuff that happens, and it's all squeezed into such a short space! This entire post is only 2300 words, but it seems like you could spend that much time on just one of these conversations/events and how the characters react and feel.

So once you're done with this draft and have let it sit a while, you should come back to it and think about which parts should be expanded. Rather than rehashing all the dialogue, you can use repeated scenes to dig into what the new viewpoint character is thinking and feeling at that moment. You can also slow things down with more action and description, like you did here.

When I got home the next day, my parents' cars were parked out front. I immediately got suspicious and nervous; they never get home before 5:30. I walked in to see my parents sitting at the kitchen counter. They both turned in the stool to look at me at the same time when I walked in, a look of worry covering their faces. My heart rate sped up and I could feel it in my chest.

"Uh oh... What happened?" I ask them. I clench the strap of my backpack tighter and my knuckles turn white.

"Emily we need to head over to the hospital."

"Right now, why?! What happened?" I start to panic. 10 different people cross my minds and 20 different reasons they were there crossed it too. I shuddered.

"We will fill you in on the way there." I run upstairs and throw my backpack on the ground in my room. I run back downstairs and get into the back seat of the car. My dad drives off and I listen intently, making sure not to miss any details.

"Sasha is the one in the hospital. There are no new updates but all we know is that she was asleep 30 minutes ago, Form what we were told, she was riding her skateboard and a car hit her. They brought her in and did a whole bunch of tests. We are waiting on the results. I sat back in the seats and bounced my leg the rest of the way there.


Thanks to the way you broke up the dialogue and showed Emily's reactions, the first part of this post was the strongest. Think about what you did there and try to apply it to other scenes.

In other news: again, the doctor is not very good with his bedside manner, and Britny's not a great friend if she's going to be that angry that Sasha didn't tell her this particular secret, and Sasha's parents are way not great parents if their reaction to finding out she's pregnant is immediately leaving because *they* need to process it. What about her? I got really mad about them.

Write on!
BlueAfrica





Half the work that is done in this world is to make things appear what they are not.
— Elias Root Beadle