z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Please Remember Me (Chapters 11-15)

by skylnn00writes


Chapter 11:

Emily's POV – I sat silently and listened to her tell talk. Tears streaked my face. I wish I had known her before so that she didn't have to suffer like that; at least I'm not going through this alone.

When she finished, I gave her a long hug. Compared to what she went through, I haven't even really been bullied.

We skate for a little longer and then say goodbye. I head off in the opposite direction.

It was dark and hard to see so I pulled out my phone and turned on the flashlight. I could already see my house so I got off my skateboard and walked the rest of the way, enjoying the silence that was never there during the day.

My room was on the second floor of my house, so I had made myself a parkour course. I launched myself off of a tree trunk and then grabbed on to the branch of another tree nearby. I pulled myself up and went across a few more branches. I carefully stood up and jumped onto the side of my house like I had down hundreds of times before. There was no risk of waking my parents up since they were downstairs and on the other side of the house. I swung over a few feet, and then finally pulled myself onto the roof and climbed through my window.

I was too tired to change so I kicked off my converse and face planted my pillow.

Sasha's POV – It felt like a huge weight was lifted off my chest, like I could finally breathe. Emily hugged me and it felt nice to know someone cares. We started skating again but after a while I got tired and said goodbye to Emily. I headed off to my house and she left to hers in the opposite direction.

There were street lamps everywhere on this side of the park and not the other, which was strange because not a lot of people lived on this side. The park separates the people in this town from one another. Where I live, it's the 'low-life' people who can't afford the other fancy rich houses.

Just then I heard a car coming. I saw the headlights that were on the other side of the road so I just moved over more towards the sidewalk.

It was around 2 in the morning and the car was swerving. I figured it was a drunk driver, trying to get home from a party. I was passing by a ditch and we were about to cross paths.

Instead of swerving away, the car swerved right at me, and the driver lost control. It hit me with full force and sent me flying and rolling down into the ditch. My skateboard had cracked on impact. I was only half-conscious but I still heard the gasp of the driver when they got out. Then I heard her heels running back to her car and then the roaring of the engine starting up again. The last thing I remember was the car driving away and leaving me here in pain. Then I blacked out.

Chapter 12:

Emily's POV – Monday came, and with that was school; the dreaded hell hole. I hadn't talked to Sasha since the skate park, and I haven't seen her in school all day.

The thought was replaced by another memory and anger. I saw Kyle walking towards me. At least this time he was alone. I held my head up high as he stopped me.

"Em... I just -"

"I don't want to hear it. You left, and now you have become one of them. You just did that to me the other day to look cool in front of your buddies? Well look where it got you. What happened to you Kyle; you used to be all sweet and loving and that why you were my best friend. Like seriously, what changed?!" I got up in his face; I just wanted to punch him. He had started the rumors, and I knew because Kyle was the only person who knew me and Brent best. I felt the anger rising with every memory I recalled. I clenched my fists, I was about to hit him in the face and wipe that stupid look.

But then he kissed me. His lips were soft against mine, his hands lightly holding my face. It felt nice until I remembered who I was kissing. I pulled away and then pushed him away. I looked at him with disgust; his eyes looked pained. Before I could feel bad for him, I pushed past him and returned to class like nothing had ever happened.

Kyle's POV – I had asked to go to the bathroom to get out of class. I was walking to my locker when I saw Emily. Since I was alone this time, I decided to tell her the truth.

"Em... I just -" She cut me off. The look on her face said it all; I didn't have a chance.

"I don't want to hear it. You left, and now you have become one of them. You just did that to me the other day to look cool in front of your buddies? Well look where it got you. What happened to you Kyle; you used to be all sweet and loving and that why you were my best friend. Like seriously, what changed?!"

I couldn't help myself. All the feelings came flooding back. I smashed my lips into hers; they were 3 inches away and I just couldn't help myself. She didn't kiss back, I knew she wouldn't, but at least she stayed there for a little.

But not long. She pulled away and then pushed me away. The look of anger and disgust on her face almost brought me to tears. She pushed past me and stormed off.

I couldn't move; I just stood there. I didn't know what to do. I had lost my 2 best friends. But now, they are both gone for good.

Chapter 13:

Emily's POV – I got home that day and I was too upset to talk to anyone but Brent. My brain malfunctioned for a second and I grabbed my skateboard. I made it to the door of my room until I remembered. I stopped mid-step and help tightly to my skateboard. I took my phone out of my pocket but then I kept walking.

I skated all the way to the park with Brent's number dialed. I sat down next to my skateboard on the cement and hit call. After a couple rings he picked up.

B: Emily!

E: Everything is upside down without you. It's all screwed up; everything and everyone is crazy. Please come back.

B: Hey, hey. Relax deep breaths.

E: It won't fix it! You need to come back. I can't take it anymore. You fix it all, please come back...

B: Em, stop and breathe.

E: okay...

B: Now, what happened?

E: Kyle... Kyle kissed me. It was so sudden and I didn't know what to do. But then I got angry and I went back to class.

B: Kyle kissed you... well uh; I... don't know what to say. Why?

E: I – I don't know. I really wish he hadn't. Brent...

B: Yeah?

E: Remember when he asked me out, and I said no?

B: uh oh...

E: I feel bad...

B: NOOOO!!! No Emily stop. Did you forget what he did to us?

E: No...

B: I didn't want to have to do this.

E: Huh?

B: I forbid you to date him.

E: Dear mother of god, Brent! Are you serious right now!

B: YES, I am!

E: I'm not going to date him idiot! He wronged me one too many times already.

B: Overprotective best friend idiot.

E: yeah, yeah.

B: Hey just in case.

E: What if we were, you'd be jealous?

B: No! Ugh... I have to go.

E: Bye, I miss you.

B: Miss you too.

When we hung up, I was laughing so much I fell; that only made me laugh more. It felt good. I haven't laughed so much in so long. And if I have, it was a fake laugh. But this was real; and it felt amazing.

Brent's POV – Emily called me this time. I waited a few seconds before answering so I didn't seem like I was waiting around for her call; even though I was...

We talked for a while. After we hung up I smiled and sighed in relief. That was a close call. I was kind of glad she didn't find out but I wish she knew how I really felt. That would have been a recipe for disaster though. I wonder when I will be able to tell her, and if she will even feel the same way.

Chapter 14:

Sasha's POV – When I woke up it was daytime. My head was aching and throbbing. I felt like I had cracked a rib, and I'm pretty sure I had broken my leg. I squinted to see against the sunlight and that hurt my head even more. I turned my head to the side and reached into my pockets, trying to find my phone. It wasn't there so it must have fallen out. I move my arms around slowly patting the ground, hoping that it's near me. I can't even move to see with my eyes.

"Help!" I try to scream but it barely comes out as a whisper. I start to panic. Horrible thought cross my mind and I feared the worst. I start to take deep breathes but that hurts my ribs so I take smaller, slower breathes. It takes me a while but eventually I manage to calm down a little. A sliver of hope grows inside me. I get the courage and just enough strength to lift my good leg and drag myself. I make it a couple inches and then look for my phone again. Everything hurts and I'm ready to give up and accept the fact that I'm going to die like this, when I feel it. A smile spreads across my face as I lift it up. I squint and still it's hard to see the screen. I dial 911 and explain to them what I remember of what happened and they send an ambulance.

An ambulance 5 minutes later and they take me away on a stretcher. They ask me a whole bunch of questions as they examine me on my way to the hospital. I try to concentrate and answer but there is only one thing on my mind: my skateboard.

Chapter 15:

Sasha's POV – I tried my hardest to stay awake to answer all their questions, but my brain wasn't cooperating. My eyes kept closing but I forced them open again.

The whole proves at the hospital took a good 2 hours but I fell asleep somewhere in the middle.

I woke up to the beeping of my own heart monitor. I tried to turn my head but there was a slight pain in my head and something was on my neck, keeping me from moving it. I opened my eyes and I was lying down in a poorly lit room. All I could see were the white ceiling tiles. I heard the door open and someone walked in. A stranger with a clipboard and a white coat stared down at me.

"You're awake." He said smiling. I try to open my mouth to speak but he looks down at his clipboard and then walks out again. He comes back a couple minutes later with a bottle of pills in his hand. "I'm Dr. Williams. I just need to give you your meds really quickly. Let me just take this..." His voice trailed off and I heard Velcro right next to my ear. The thing that was around my neck loosened, and then it was gone. "Alright; could you please sit up for me?" I was hesitant because I remembered what had happened when I had tried to move. He stood there staring at me and waiting. He raised an eyebrow at me and I gave myself a little pep talk: Whatever pain you are about to feel, you have felt worse. So suck it up and do as the doctor says. I brace myself and in 1 quick movement I prop myself up on my elbows. I cringed at nothing, all the pain was gone. I smiled and tried to use one of my legs to finish sitting up, but I winced in pain. I used my arms to finish getting up and took the pills from Dr. Williams.

"I need to ask you a couple questions to see how bad your injuries are." He tells me after I swallow them. I nod in response because I want to get everything over with and see my family; assuming they are here. "What is your name?"

"Sasha Winfeild." I respond, rolling my eyes at how ridiculous this is.

"When were you born?"

"July 17, 1999."

"So you just turned 16, correct?"

"Yes, 2 months ago."

"And you know the date?"

"September 15, 2015."

"Actually it's the 16th. You must have been passed out for a day."

"How, no one even bothered to look for me; I bet no one even noticed I was gone!"

"Miss. Winfeild, do you remember what happened?"

"Of course I do! I was riding my skateboard home and someone hit me with their car. I flew into a ditch, they drove away, and I blacked out."

"Ok. That's it for now. I will be back later to check in but meanwhile, I will send your sister in. She was the first to arrive when we called." I looked at him as he walked away with wide eyes; I hadn't seen my sister in 8 years.


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Sun Mar 26, 2017 9:42 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



Sasha!!!!!!!!

Wow, this is the first part I've read, and I love her already. It was mostly these bits.

I try to concentrate and answer but there is only one thing on my mind: my skateboard.


He raised an eyebrow at me and I gave myself a little pep talk: Whatever pain you are about to feel, you have felt worse.


I also love seeing the supportive friendship between her and Emily, because there aren't enough female friendships in fiction that aren't super backstabby. Also! I loved this.

It felt nice until I remembered who I was kissing. I pulled away and then pushed him away.


Because at first when Kyle kissed her, I was like "STAY STRONG, WOMAN. DON'T LET HIS LIPS HYPNOTIZE YOU INTO FORGETTING WHATEVER HE DID." So when she was like, "Wait, ew, this is KYLE I'm kissing," I totally cheered her on.

On that note: *ugh**boys*

I smashed my lips into hers; they were 3 inches away and I just couldn't help myself.


"Smashing," sooooo romantic, bro. Not.

B: I forbid you to date him.


Nopedy nope nope nope. I mean, I agree, she absolutely should NOT date Kyle again, but also YOU, sir, have no right to forbid her from dating him.

Especially since it turns out he's, let's face it, mostly forbidding it because he also wants to date her.

So my main thing about this the stuff like this.

Emily's POV – I got home that day and I was too upset to talk to anyone but Brent.


Sasha's POV – I tried my hardest to stay awake to answer all their questions, but my brain wasn't cooperating. My eyes kept closing but I forced them open again.


You don't want to tell readers who's speaking by saying "now we're in So-and-so's POV." In third person, it's easy to switch between viewpoints by using line breaks between characters. It's a lot trickier in first person. One option is the break up your chapters using the different characters and then title each chapter with a character's name. Like "Chapter One - Sasha" or whatever. Alternatively - since your scenes are really too short to be chapters by themselves - you could use the line breaks but then title each scene. Sort of like what you're doing now, but without the "POV" and a dash. Like this, maybe.

When we hung up, I was laughing so much I fell; that only made me laugh more. It felt good. I haven't laughed so much in so long. And if I have, it was a fake laugh. But this was real; and it felt amazing.

Brent


Emily called me this time. I waited a few seconds before answering so I didn't seem like I was waiting around for her call; even though I was...


Finally, I suggest using dialogue tags and description during Emily and Brent's phone call. Simply labeling their speech "E" and "B" would work better if they were texting or IMing, but for a phone call it didn't work so well. It just felt flat, because I didn't hear them speaking or see what Emily saw around her as she skateboarded and talked or find out how she felt during this conversation.






I'm really glad you liked it and thank you so much for the feedback. Thank you for reading and just thank you :smt001 your review made me smile



BluesClues says...


Any time :)



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Sun Mar 26, 2017 9:19 pm
RossLighting wrote a review...



Well, skylnn, hi, and you asked for me to be brutally honest. I'm not normally brutally honest, I'm literally never. I'm too nice. So you wanted it to be brutal, and so it will be brutal. Review time!

Firstly, I haven't read the other chapters, this was in the green room and the asking of being brutally honest caught my eye. I decided to give it a read. Sorry for not reading!

Secondly, I feel like the story is too fast paced. It went from a skate park to being hit by a car to a guy kissing the main character. Slow down a bit. It helps.

Thirdly, the use of POV I think is really good. That's not an idea i'd thought to use in my stories, and I might even use it, so thanks for that.

Fourthly, the school bit was a bit short, and I felt it could be a bit longer, and maybe remind the reader of what happened. I don't know what happened, so I cant judge Kyle.

Fifthly, I thought that 'Dear mother of god' was kinda cringy. Sorry.

Sixthly, the part with the accident, the aftermath, was pretty good. I wish you could of described the scene a bit more however.

Seventhly, the hospital scene was also pretty good. I feel like it could of been explained why she hadn't seen her sister in 8 yrs, but I guess in a different chapter.

Also, I normally don't write this kind of honest reviews. Normally I'm too nice, but this has given me a new outlook on it. It was kinda fun to review differently. Thanks. I sound weird ehh



Keep writing!



-Ross






Thank you so much for this! Your welcome, and I'm glad you liked some parts of it. And you don't sound weird :smt001 thanks again for reading and thank you for the review



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Brain freezes are temporary, but milkshakes are forever.
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