"Forty-two, get your head out of your ass and hustle! This isn't a walk on the beach with your girlfriend!" I hear my coach's words, but I can't seem to process them. My vision goes in and out of focus, and I stumble as I walk across the field.
"Adam, you alright?" My buddy Josh asks as he comes up to me. I must nod my head, because he pats me on the back a bit too hard before jogging away.
I take off my sauna of a helmet and feel the heat of the sun beat down on my face. I taste my lunch and a strong feeling of nausea washes over me.
The last thing I remember seeing is the world dip and sway before I fall over and blackout.
"Payne! Payne, wake up!" Coach Evans grips my shoulder firmly and rattles me awake. I feel water run into my mouth and trickle down my throat. My head throbs with every small movement. I gradually peel my eyes open and squint at the bright sun.
"Dehydrated again, Adam. What did I tell you about getting liquids in your body, especially during practice?"
"Huh?" My eyes wander towards the source of the voice, only to find the athletic trainer hovering over me.
"Can you hear me?" She inquires a little louder than needed. The commotion around me makes my head feel like someone is ramming a sledgehammer into my skull repeatedly.
"Yes, I hear you." I mumble.
"You should be fine, but stay hydrated, Adam." She advises before carrying her fragile looking body off the field. I prop myself up on my elbow and take another sip of water, relaxing as I swallow it, feeling the water reviving my insides.
"Get him to the bench. As for the rest of you, hurry up and finish drills!" Coach Evans voice rings in my ears louder than his whistle. Two pairs of rough, meaty hands grab me by the shoulders and practically lift me up themselves. I hobble my way over to the bench, and plop myself down. I sit with my head in my hands until practice is over.
Later that night at the dinner table, an unsettling feeling sat in my stomach. No matter how hard I try I can't shake it.
"I got a call from the school nurse today. You passed out during practice?" My mother says calmly in such a tone that reminds me how much I hate her. I glance up at my father who sits across from me. I see the anger growing on his face and I immediately lower my gaze to my untouched plate of food.
"I was dehydrated." As I speak, the words taste sour in my mouth and they barely come out as a whisper. My father slams his fist down on the table violently, making my glass of water ripple, and I flinch.
"What have I told you COUNTLESS TIMES!?" My father barks. I could immediately tell what was coming. His words slur out and he reeks of alcohol. I try to brace myself, but no amount of time could ever prepare me.
"I know you guys don't support my football career but-"
"There is no such thing as a football career!" He growls at my face, and I detect a slight hint of mimic. I hear his chair skid against the wood floor and fall back as he bolts up from his seat.
"Kurt-"
"Shut the hell up, Anna!" My mother rolls her eyes in annoyance, wanders over to the liquor cabinet, removes a large bottle, and proceeds upstairs. Moments later, a door slams and the sound of a TV blasting follows. My heart races uncontrollably.
"You are going to quit that stupid waste of time, got it kid?" My father gnarls through gritted teeth. I can tell he isn't in the mood to beat me tonight. I take that to my advantage as I stand up as well with clenched fists. I have suffered in silence for far too long and it's time to speak up.
"Those are my dreams, Dad. I'm not going to quit and you can't make me!" I immediately realize I had the wrong idea and regret opening my mouth. My dad lunges at me, but luckily I'm faster. I knock my chair down in front of him in hopes to slow him down and dart upstairs. I hear the chair break behind me, but I don't look back. I sprint into my room and lock the door behind me. I push my heavy dresser in front of it just as my dad fumbles the door handle and proceeds by pounding on the door. My hands shake and I back away, bumping into my bed.
"OPEN UP NOW!" He yells. The dresser starts to shake back and forth a bit, so I force my desk in front of the dresser as well. I make a quick decision and grab all the bags that I own out of my closet along with my suitcase. I fill them with essentials like clothes, my wallet, a half-eaten bag of chips from the other day, and whatever else fits. I sling the bags over my shoulder, slightly surprised at how light they are, and crack open my window. I chuck my bags out first, and then scale down half the side of my house, before jumping the rest of the way. I feel the grass beneath my bare feet as pain shoots through my leg just as the door breaks two stories above me. I don't wait around to see what happens next. I grab everything and run aimlessly into the night.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi I'll do my best to review your story !!
At the beginning I thought that the protagnist fainted because of a medical condition and I thought that the medical condition would be a part of the story but it isn't because of the introduction of the parents I take it the central theme of the story is the relationship between Adam and his parents? (correct me if I'm wrong)
At the beginning you could do more to describe the sypmtoms of dehydration - because it isn't obvious to me there are lots of reasons why Adam can feel nauseous and faint he could have been poisoned or he could have caught a virus. You could describe him being sweaty from running and his mouth feeling parched.
From the beginning of the story I can tell the most supportive characters in the story are the coach who I was surprised to see is empathetic towards Adam :
I think she appears to be more sensitive (I always found female p.e. teachers to be nicer than male ones so I don't know whether is nicer because she is a female ?) Also loved the bit where she carries him she must be strong to be able to do that!!
And Adam has supportive teammates from his 'buddy' Josh who asks whether he is OK.
I really want to interpret his mum as someone who is more supportive of Adam's goal to become a footballer because she tries to stop her husband from yelling at Adam but there isn't enough evidence to support that yet. I find it ironic (and funny) that the father is clearly an alcoholic but it looks like the mother turns to alcohol in order to deal with an abusive husband:
I take it Adam hates his father because he is a drunk abusive alcoholic but you don't explain why Adam hates his mother here you could mention what his mother causes him to feel or dread...because so far in this chapter I didn't get any insight into the mother apart from the fact that she uses alcohol to escape from her life. I believe that his mother could play a big role in Adam deciding at the end to run away, if he got on well with his mother it would have influenced his final decision to run away.
One of the main parts indeed is the relationship with his parents, yes. The coach is a man, and she didn't pick him up. His teammates did. I thought I made that clear enough but maybe not. Sorry for the confusion haha. The female is the athletic director, so the trainer. It also is afterschool practice for football. I might have to make that more clear too. And I'll definitely add more dehydration effects. The part where he hates her becomes more evident later in the story. I hoped you liked my story overall. Thank you for writing a review
Hi.
Over all, I liked this chapter. I was not sure it was wise to start out with the part where he faints during practice because it builds up rather slowly but, considering how the chapter ends, it creates a nice crescendo effect.
Thank you for writing about a jock who passes out for something unrelated to drugs or alcohol. It was a nice break from the usual clichés. It was also pleasant that you don't simply describe football as something a little less than ideal, while making Adam reaffirm in an adult way his devotion to its practice.
Now, I had some small issues. You need to work on capitalization :
« "Adam, you alright?" My buddy Josh asks as he comes up to me. I must nod my head, because he pats me on the back a bit too hard before jogging away. » for example, should be :
« "Adam, you alright?" my buddy Josh asks as he comes up to me.
I must nod my head, because he pats me on the back a bit too hard before jogging away. »
Another issue is that you seem to hesitate between past and present tense.
« Later that night at the dinner table, an unsettling feeling sat [past] in my stomach. No matter how hard I try I can't [present] shake it. »
You have to choose whichever one suits you best.
Now, onto the story. Clearly, Adam's homelife is crappy but I absolutely don't get his mother. On one day, she inquires about his passing out during practice so she seems to care. On the other hand, when his father gets confrontational, she « rolls her eyes in annoyance » and she disappears upstairs with the booze, which sounds like abandonic behavior to me.
I don't know if it's another hesitation on your part or if it's a built-in ambiguity of hers. Adam seems to have made up his mind about her, anyway. Good for him.
I wish him good luck, things are dicey at present. And good luck to you too.
Thank you so much for the review! With the tenses, I have a lot of issues and I even read it through to make sure I didn't switch but I must have still missed it. I'm trying to keep the story in present and try something new because I generally do past. Also, I didn't realize the conflict with the mothers personality. That definitely helps because I wanted to portray her as not caring. My capitalization I also missed that so thank you for pointing it out. I'm glad you liked this chapter and thanks again for taking the time to write a review
Past tense is usually considered more appropriate for storytelling. It's the standard for novels but I feel that there is nothing wrong with using the present. If you are more comfortable that way, go for it.
As for the mother, maybe have her comment upon his fainting spell in a snarky way, like she's trying to get him in trouble but, then, later, you have to make her sound less surprised when Adam's father gets angry.
I think the attitude would be somewhat that of a big sister. An annoying teenager, you know. That way, she is more credible.
Sure, she doesn't care but it's primarily because she is immature. I don't know if it would work in your story but it sounds good to me.
Thank you so much. I'll definitely try it out.