Villanelle Sounds so like Villain

Hey Skorlir! Here to deliver your second Secret Santa review. Sorry for the delay, busy busy.

First off, my biggest nitpick is the pattern you have going here. While I feel it was clever and a good idea to use for future poems, I felt this was forced out of you, like you struggled to find lines that worked together or places to put this repeated line. It made the flow feel bumpy and didn't read as well as it should've, so try to remember and work on that.

Your mentor Aley covered most of the nitpicks (I'm no poet anyways, so that's good), so I'll just talk about the good. So, again, clever idea! Definitely bring that back. Nice wording, an I like the way the stanzas were set up. You did excellent on making this a humorous piece!

It was a pleasure to read. Keep on writing!

~ Iggy.

Hey, I like to go from stanza to stanza!

I see you've gotten some reviews but I can't resist poetry!

First Stanza: Okay so I take the stanza and I kind of just add edits/revisions and important revisions are in bold, then I give my thoughts. Okay:

"I’ve difficulty judging,
As guilty as I am,
Altogether quite, begrudging." -- I really liked it. It was a really awesome start to the poem, and a fun rhyme and lets the reader know right away the pattern that you are going for. I am a big fan of that start! But then when I read it right away I stumbled at the "Altogether quite begrudging" and I think the reason I did is because there was nothing to stop me before "begrudging" in order for me to see the rhyme. So I suggest you put a comma before there. Also I suggest that you put "As guilty as I am", but I figure you wrote it like that because you wanted to emphasis on the "Guilty" which I get, so if you don't want to change that, that's okay but it's a suggestion.

Second Stanza:

"Alas there falls a darkness, smudging.
Am I too late to take the tram? (or "Is it too late to take the tram?")
I have difficulty, judging." -- I still really like it! This is really nice. I am finding myself really enjoying this poem. And for some reason my mind reads it in a British accent. haha But seriously it does! And it just seems like such a proper poem. Cute! My edits though was a comma and the added "too" I added it because it worked with the poems rythym and it just fit the sentence well. And lastly I think that "I have" the prolonged way of saying it fits the poem as a whole more than "I've".

Third Stanza:

In the way, good child, yet just a pudgling(I have no idea which word you meant. )
Get out the way,
I say, great damn!
Altogether quite, begrudging. -- Personally I'm not a big fan of cuss words and I really didn't see the point in there. Although it might be something people would say in an older time (which is where I picture this poem), it seemed rather abrupt to me. Also, remember the comma!


Forth Stanza:

"So, quick I set my body shrugging.
Do I look my placid sham?
I have difficulty judging." -- I liked this one! Nice, and simple with a good rhyme, to be honest the third stanza really disrupted the steady flow of this. I only added a comma.

Fifth Stanza:

"Ach, were any child before me struggling, (afore is not a word according to spell check)
I should give the same full ram,
Altogether quite begrudging." --Again this one is strange, why wouldn't he help a child struggling? Or is he angry with the child? I don't know but that needs to be more clear otherwise it seems rather strange. I mean he goes from possibly being late for a tram to giving the same full ram? And how does this have anything to do with being begrudging?

Sixth Stanza:

"Red flowers I see, I hear some glugging (gurgling?)
Sick voyeurs watching – just won’t they scram!
I’ve difficulty judging,
Altogether quite, begrudging." -- I added a comma. Out of all the stanzas this one needs the most revsion. It is very weird to add Red flowers out of no where. I am not sure what other term you could have used, but I think something to do with the tram. Or even if you did not include what you have already written about, just something that goes with the glugging that you are speaking of.

So, overall this is interesting, but it does need revision. I liked the beginning and it could be a very entertain poem, I would just suggest you take some of your reviewer's advice, including mine!

--Dream on!

Let's work on titles.

First of all, even though Billy Collins has a poem that's named after his love for the clarity of titles, the title actually still relates to the content of the poem. With this poem and title, you did relate it in villain, and then writing about a villain, but do you have to say that it's a villanelle? I feel like you could make a better title from re-reading your poem, and then attempting to describe it in as few words as possible.

That said, the poem itself could use some work. Personally, I dislike the syntax of your repeated A2 line. I feel like it's is simply set up to go with the A1 line, and doesn't quite fit anywhere else. It's almost as if you wrote this backwards, starting with the last stanza in your head and then working up instead of working from the first stanza down to the revelation. This isn't anything too hard to fix, even if it is a villanelle. Try playing with other A2 lines. Just come up with like 6 or 7 and replace them, see how it changes the poem.

Part of the reason why I dislike the A2 line is because it doesn't really make sense. Why is a villain begrudging anything? Is he begrudging that he's killing, that the spectators aren't leaving, or is it something else? Also, in the middle stanzas, it really doesn't fit well. In the first one, stanza 3, it's a fragment and you disconnect it from the line before. This is sometimes necessary with poetry, and some people make it a style of theirs, but I feel like the fragment doesn't explain itself enough to really stand completely alone. In the second to last stanza, the ram is suddenly begrudging something. I realize that ram is probably meant as a verb, but because of the connect with "the" it really makes it seem like a noun, as in the beast. The only way that couldn't be a noun in that use there, is if it was the proper title of an action, like a Full Nelson, or a Powell Drive. Notice how if you use those in a sentence however, give is the actual verb just like you have here. This means that because it is technically a noun, altogether could either go with ram, or I depending on how you attach the fragment.

So with this said, I think you can make the poem clearer by with playing a little more extensively now that you've got time. Overall, your rhymes are still excellent and I like your use of unique words.
-Aley

Hi there!
I'm not much of a reviewer but I think you're a great writer. You've definitely got the rhyming going on well. However, I admit that I found some difficulty understanding exactly what you want to say. I read your poem over and over again, not just to understand it, but because I, honestly, enjoyed it.

I love the imagery you used here:
" Alas there falls a darkness smudging"
Pretty fascinating!

These two stanzas made it harder for me to understand what you want to say:
" In the way, good child, yet just a pudgling
Get out the way, I say, great damn!
Altogether quite begrudging."

"Red flowers I see, I hear some glugging
Sick voyeurs watching – just won’t they scram!
I’ve difficulty judging,
Altogether quite begrudging."

There are some words which I'm not sure if they exist. :p "pudgling" in "" In the way, good child, yet just a pudgling" and "glugging" in "Red flowers I see, I hear some glugging".

To sum up, I think you did a great job with the rhyming, but the meaning or idea behind the poem - to me - is ambiguous. I think you should focus more on the meaning rather than trying to make your poem sound great. I mean, of course, poems should sound great, but the meaning is what matters most. Anyway, you have potential. Keep up the good work.