A Lack of Sadness on a Happy Day

"guard the color"

cool

I have to agree with the previous comment. But either way, good job.

This poem doesn't use new creative language. I felt that it was very predictable, high, sigh, lie, to clay, today, away, decay, etc. These rhymes are nothing new, nothing exciting, and with such a dreary poem, we need something to liven it up. We need the spice of chewing rocks instead of sand.

First thing first, write this poem without a rhyme scheme. That will really free up your creativity and put a new spice in your step. If you keep the same theme of a gray world, like you should with this rewrite, you should come up with some interesting imagery that will help form new ideas and new thoughts about what it means to be a gray day. Another challenge, Only use gray at max, twice, once in the beginning and once in the end of the poem. This is a challenge to either make you continue with a metaphor through the poem, or to create unique ways to describe gray.

In both of your poems I have noticed a heavy use of conundrums. I am both far and near, I am tall and small, but you don't go through and explain these paradoxes enough that we can truly grasp a new understanding of the word. In other words you're leaving the heavy lifting for the reader and that is not something a reader wants to bother with. They will dismiss you as being a wise -cough- guy and continue on with their lives most of the time.

As this stands, it does have some very interesting qualities. You're talking about guarding the color from the sky. As the sky is gray, I would like to think that color has been boxed up and hidden, especially since the box image in this poem on the beach. I really want to see you work with that and explore it further. Develop your idea of what it would mean for all colors to literally be boxed away and an existence, or at least a day, without them.
The main thing I want to see from you is less rhymes, more speech.

This is really good. I read it like 8 times.