Dark and loud. Words that described, very accurately, the empty room. Sound leaked through the walls, a white noise that suffocated the listener. If, that is, asphyxiation was possible through the opening of the ear.
The man was shadowed and earthly. Fists against wall. Pounding, shouting into the emptiness.
Out, out, he exclaimed. Let me out.
Silence. Noisy, noisy silence.
Take me, then! Devour my soul! Let me out!
The observer watched silently through the one-way glass, gaze fixed on the man who was very slowly growing mad.
He pushed a button.
No silence.
“You’re unraveling. Watch yourself,” the observer’s voice warned.
Looking down at his hand, the man saw through the impossibly thick darkness to his flesh. Bits were falling away onto the floor. Like an orange, peeled.
He sat down. Cried.
The observer didn’t empathize. Instead, he pushed away the silence once more.
“You were told this would happen. You could have stopped it. It’s your own fault.”
Let me out, let me out. His voice collapsed through his fingers, dancing through the bare flesh and sinking into the silence.
Hands grabbed him from behind. Threw him to the floor.
The observer wrote a few things down on a piece of paper. Looked back towards the man. He was pressing closed fists against the floor, throwing his torso into the ground.
I’ll sink- I’ll sink. His voice echoed through the walls. I’ll sink away, drown.
His position on the floor didn’t falter.
Ihaftago. Needta gonow. Words slurred together. Drowsy.
Noise.
“You will go when you have finished.”
What, what? Finished what? Ears ringing. Ringing oh, so loud.
“When you have finished,” he repeated.
Understanding, the man curled up into a ball on the floor.
I’ll be done, I’ll be done, he said. Gone. Out.
"Just a few more minutes.”
I can wait, I can wait.
Minutes past. The man went limp.
The observer turned around to the crowd of people behind him. Horrified, intrigued.
“This is what happens, will happen to all of you.”
“Unless?” asked a woman, short, from the corner.
“Unless you join.”
Written for my creative writing class, as a minimalist piece. Critique would be lovely!
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140,658 Literary Works • 673,583 Reviews
Wow! I was certainly not expecting that ending, but I have to say: that fit in extremely well. It brought the whole piece together. Fantastic! I thought it was great. I absolutely love these types of simple, "minimalist" styles. Although you left us asking questions, I think it worked--it makes us feel more intrigued. Great job!
Wow. Nice, dark and freaky! (Good freaky, of course)
Left me wanting more...who is the sadistic man behind the glass? What does he want the others to join, and why? So much mystery...excellent work, mate!!
(P.S. The missing quotations had me confused, too. Thanks for clearing that up.)
I thought it was really good. I want to read more to like find out whats going on. You did a great job at leaving the audience in suspense.
that was...amazing! It was one of the best i've read! Great job!
I really liked this! I can totally relate to loud silence, it happens too often in my house TT_TT Anyways, I was slightly confused at how his flesh fell off from talking. That must be some pretty high-tech work there. The ending was awesome as. Like it was mentioned before, the voice of the speaker was very good, it flowed incredibly nicely between the tortured man's immaterial pleas and the actions that followed. Like the last sentence especially. Overall, well done!
I highly disagree with Morgan. "Silence. Noisy, noisy silence." Seems very clear to me. I mean haven't you ever been somewhere so quiet, so silent that it feels loud enough to burst your ear drums? Ha ha I guess not. Anyway I think your piece is Brilliant. I want more, just like pistachios; I mean has anyone ever just ate one single pistachio? It's impossible.
Well, it's decent. I'd say that it really only started to weaken towards the end. When you mention the "horrified" crowd, it doesn't feel effective because you had to tell us. I'm not suggesting that you go graphic, but maybe do something more sadistic to the man– or perhaps psychological? So that we, the audience, will wince at all the chilling plot twists. Also,
There is something horribly awkward about this sentence. Does "short" describe the woman? Give her a little more description than just her height, and don't leave "short" behind its noun like that. "from the corner" could also be more developed, as it comes across very two dimensional and a very limited image for the reader's imagination to work with.
The final sentence is remarkably cliche. Change it somehow, anyhow– join what? An organization? If so, write it so that your audience connects it to other things nightmarish.
Some tweaking and you'll be good to go.
Cheers,
–antimelrose
What's goin on skl02134
This is an interesting piece. To me it reads more like prose poetry, than fiction, which isn't a bad thing at all. I'm just not that good with poetry but I'll take a crack at it.
You could definitely strengthen the poetic effect of this piece by using stronger action words and fleshing out the descriptions. For example:
Look what happens when we change "He pushed a button." to "He pressed a gloved finger against the red button" We get a more powerful image and the use of color extenuates the distressed atmosphere of the scene.
Another one. You could change"The observer didn’t empathize." to "the observer turned not a sympathetic eye toward the man." Or something like that. Make it your own.
Another thing you should consider is changing the designated names of the characters. "The observer" is pretty bland, try something like, "The Gray Man" or "The Pale Examiner". Try this with the woman as well and it will paint a much more vivid picture for the reader.
Good luck with your work.
Thanks for all the positive feedback! Morgan, the "silence, noisy, noisy silence" bit refers to the first few opening lines, where I describe the 'sound' leaking through the walls as a white noise that almost suffocates the ear. So, it's 'silent', but there's that underlying thickness of sound that makes it 'loud', if that makes any sense.
And as for the no quotations, It's like Baboon said; the lack of them was showing how "immaterial" the cries were. His voice was practically drowned out by the suffocating silence (see above^). I kind of made it so you weren't sure whether or not he was speaking, or if it was just narration.
Thanks for all the reviews! I'm really glad you guys liked it.
LOVE THIS
LOVE the way the victim's cries are made almost immaterial by not giving them "s.
LOVE the suspense and atmosphere.
LOVE IT
Seriously good. Not much else I can say hahah.
Keep writing like this,
Baboon
Pretty good stuff right there! Good one!
Amazing. I love this piece, because of the way you wrote it. You added a lot of adjectives, which I may add I like a lot.
I also loved your sentence structure and the way it all flowed together.
This contradiction really confused me. It left me a little confused about what was going on. You may want to clear that up a little bit.I'm not really sure what you were doing with this. Every time this person talked or thought what ever he did, you didn't add quotations. This left me a little unsure whether he was talking or something else. You might want to add something to it to make it a little more clear.
Overall, this piece at the least left me intrigued and wanting some more information about what was going on. At some parts, I lost where you were going and I got confused, but it was still a story that was enjoyable. I don't know if you would normally write like that, but I loved the way that you didn't use formal or normal writing. You changed sentence structures until you found one (short and choppy) that fit the story perfectly.
-Morgan
Wow! Thanks JaceClayton =] I'm really glad you liked it! Haha, I'm thinking I should have submitted it as my suspense piece instead... this one leaves a pretty nice emotional reaction.
Oh. My. YES. This is probably one of the most amazing things I have ever read. The voice is so perfectly spoken and the short choppy sentences make for that. Very very intrigued. The entire time I read it I was clutching my throat before I realized I was being stupid. Great great great!