First poem on here. Not the first written, haha. But the first I felt like a really wanted to share. I honestly just wrote this, on a whim. The rhyme scheme is different, I know. It has a very specific rhythm to it.
Putting up my hair.
It’s a mess and I don’t really care.
And it’s not fair- those eyes, that hair;
The little things, encompassing you.
Making you you, because, of course, who
else could I see?
The little similarity
that starts the spark,
has a rippling effect, a bias
that spreads, infecting you.
And yes- I think of what to say.
The logistics of this game we play.
little teases and shadowed flirts.
Open my eyes right, close tight.
Squeeze out the images that rest
in the back of my mind
like an overt disease.
A tease-
that look. You hold my gaze.
But then I see you look away.
Laugh. Say something, run astray.
Make me think that the stare
wasn’t fair to me,
so I sit and glare at my computer screen,
And dream, and dream, and dream
And dream.
Sit and run over every theme
Of conversation, a blaring scream.
A memory, inside of me.
The images are faded black,
but It would seem I have a knack
for lingering on broken things:
I’ll say that I can't help but cling
To times gone lost and what they bring.
These thoughts, they echo,
they ring and ring.
And I find I’m putting up my hair,
and it’s a mess.
I’m trying hard not to care.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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That was probably the best poem I've read on here so far. Some of the lines gave me chills. Ha ha I did that thing where you constantly go (why didn't I think of that?!). Great job:)
Thanks a bunch =] I was pretty on-the-fence about putting this up here, because I know it's a huge cliché. I know it's simple language-wise, as well. I didn't want to give it too much purple prose, though. I thought I'd just keep it simple.
I think the main thing I was focused on in writing this was the rhythm. You guys are right- definitely more lyric-like than anything ;]. Thanks for all the critique, though! I'll have to look around my other poetry and choose one of the more unique pieces. I don't want anyone to think that all I write are silly love poems that have been overplayed to the extreme. I'll see what else I've got!
Thanks again!
Sam
Hi there,
I guess this is solid. You created a nicely linked poem, but the concept is overused as almost all romance themes are. But there isn't much to do about that. All I can ask of you is to think more and be more creative with your next poem.
You language is good, it's a solid basis for you to improve. My best tip for you right now is to get a thesaurus and keep it handy.
Right now, your improvement depends on how you use the criticism.
Good luck. Keep writing,
Kamas
This has a solid beginning, middle, and end. You use clever wording.
It's probably because I'm tired and you've already edited it from others' suggestions (which gives you bonus points already for listening to criticism), but I can't really find anything wrong with this. I like it, even though the concept is a bit overused. Good job.
~Aet
Thanks for the reviews! You guys are right- that line is awkward. I was stretching it when I wrote it, because I wasn't quite able to find something that worked (I wrote this at like, 12 haha. I'll have to give it another once-over).
And Howler, I think I will change 'cuz' to 'and'. It does work a lot better =].
Aqua and Hope pointed out it sounds like lyrics--and it did for me, too. Because as Aqua said, I could think of a few bands who would sing something like this. Still, great rhythm and rhymning. It really flows, and that's good. Anyhoo, good job and good luck on future poems! Tata!
-Mizzle
These lines don't really seem to right. The first two lines can make sense, but then comes the third line, which isn't really as clear, and doesn't seem related to the rest of the phrase. I wish I knew what to change it to, but I really don't. Maybe I'm just a bit slow. These lines just bug me, let's leave it at that.
Also, you use the word "cuz" a couple of times in this piece. It is from a first person, and I see why it works, but the word "and" is smoother. Although 'cuz is ok, it isn't one of the best things in the middle of a line, because it's made up of the two consanants that really stand out. Simply enough, replace "cuz" with "and". It makes no difference to the meaning, but it could make a strong audible difference.
And I do mean audible difference. I'd love if this piece was read aloud somewhere. It's a strong first person piece, and as long as not too many of the listeners know you, they can really get an image of who you are, or at least who the character is in the piece.
Keep it up!
Hey there!
I actually really liked this. Yes, it did seem like lyrics to me, but that's just me. I could really imagine someone singing that.
It flows throughout really nicely. I read it out loud and it sounded great, so well done for that! Your rhymes are pretty much faultless, I didn't mind them at all. Apart from one bit which, to me, didn't sound so great.
Compared to the rest of the poem, this sounded kind of tacky and forced.
But overall, nice job!
~Amy
Hey Skl, I'm going to make this quick, because it's late and I'm tired. So anyway, I enjoyed the rhythm, and rhyme of it, but I couldn't quite grasp the intention of the poem.
To me this sounded more like lyrics to a song, which I think would be a pretty good one if set to the right music.
I'm not a fan of the 'cuz's, they kind of ruin it for me.
But other wise, good job.