->I don't know if this is actually good, so tell me the truth.<-
You never loved me.
Whisper it in my ear.
I’m waiting.
Tell me the secret
I’ve been dying to hear.
I watch the earth spin,
Creating circles around my head.
Not knowing how to open up
Or what to do when you get in.
Tell me in your sweet voice,
So I can grin from cheek to cheek.
I chose you, my darling;
You gave me no other choice.
I knew it was the wrong decision.
You wanted it before I was ready;
But, how could I say no?
Our hearts beat in perfect collision.
You leave my bedroom,
Silence in the air.
Pulling on your jacket,
Leaving me the worst to assume.
Tell me those words of two.
Turn around, come back to bed.
Stroke the hair upon my head,
And whisper “I love you.”
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Canary word: Present
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Whisper it in my ear.
I’m waiting.
Tell me the secret
I’ve been dying to hear.
I watch the earth spin,
Creating circles around my head.
Not knowing how to open up
Or what to do when you get in.
Tell me in your sweet voice,
So I can grin from cheek to cheek.
I chose you, my darling;
You gave me no other choice.
I knew it was the wrong decision.
You wanted it before I was ready;
But, how could I say no?
Our hearts beat in perfect collision.
You leave my bedroom,
Silence in the air.
Pulling on your jacket,
Leaving me the worst to assume.
Tell me those words of two.
Turn around, come back to bed.
Stroke the hair upon my head,
And whisper “I love you.”
this was a good poem, but it wasn't a perfect poem.
I mean it just didn't have that poetic quality, maybe bcoz of you're ABCA rhyme scheme.
But yes, it still served its purpose well.
I could clearly see the emotion behind the poem.
And it was good.
keep up the good work.
----
The Scorpion King;
With A deadly Sting!
The rymeing doesn't flow very well. If you had wanted to ryme it should have gone onto the end. For example:
The little black cat wore a fuzzy green hat, a fuzzy green hat is what he wore,
With a rug and a rat that a little black cat will be able to open many new doors!!
{That was just an example, not a real poem!}
Hey there
You have a very strong beginning and end, which is always a good thing
~^~Chelsea~^~
This was really good. The grammar was brilliant! The words were good too. The lenght is...yet another good thing about it! LoL. It was good anywho. I liked it and I think that a lot of people will be able to relate with this poem so props to you!
I see the conscious effort to make things rhyme, but if you read it through; the rhythm doesn't really flow well. Other than that, I see potential but you might want to work on better imagery. :]
this poem is terrific!!!
ehh it was relitivly good..not my favorite subject to read but hey..it was alright..
near the end whisper those 2 words...and then you never said what they were ? maybe i missed them ?
and it didn't seem to flow to well for me.. that it was just a person begging...which by all means works very well for this...
keep writing...
also you get my first come back review...enjoy..
Very good poem. My one major issue with it is in this line:
"Our hearts beat in perfect collision"
I don't think that at all keeps the rhythm, and just sounds awkward.
Maybe you could write it as:
"Our hearts beat- a perfect collision"
or something similar. As is, however, I don't think sounds very good.
That aside, an excellent poem. Keep up the good work!
Soft and original. it's interesting how you made the first and last line in each stanza rhyme but the syllabols dont flow.
to make a successfull rhyme you must indicate the same number of syllabols for each rhyming line otherwise you might get something like this;
(something I just made up now for this example)
There's something so apathetic (8 syllabols)
especially my mood (6)
so empty and feeling quite pathetic (11)
inspired about this interlude (9)
when it would sound better like;
There's something apathetic (7)
Especially this mood (6)
Unaltered and Pathetic (7)
Inspiring Interlude (6)
which one do you prefer?
Wow! This is really good. I could sense the truth in these words, something that makes a poem great to read. I liked the metaphors and symbolism you used, especially the world spinning lines. The ending line ends this poem perfectly. AMAZING JOB! keep writing =]
This poem was amazing, it left a lasting impression and made me think. I love your allusion to the Cheshire cat from Alice in wonderland, that was perfect, not many people can do that very well, while others don't even know it exists. I would like to see some more detail to finish of the mental picture I have, overall a very lovely poem.
Hey skip ^^ Shina here to do a review for you
I. Nitpicks
The flow is a bit off here. I think the second line needs another syllable and "it" can be a little more specific. Maybe something like:
"Whisper the words in my ear.
I've been waiting.
Tell me the secret
I've been dying to hear."
Also, did you notice that without the second line the stanza is:
"Whisper it in my ear.
Tell me the secret
I've been dying to hear."
I'm pretty sure this has been used before. You may want to play it up a little and make it your own.
I'm assuming the narrator is on earth, yes? The earth can't really make circles around her head if she's standing on it. Maybe change "earth" to "world" so it makes more sense.
Last two lines don't support the first two.
Rhyme scheme eating up your poem here, Skipper. Collision is when two objects run into each other. Hearts can't beat in perfect running into each other, can they?
II. Overall
It's a bit cliche and there wasn't much of a twist or anything that made it unique. I'd suggest you add something more to it and explore unvisited regions in the "love poetry" genre. Also, the rhyme scheme eats up a lot of the poem. Pick words by meaning, not by rhyme ^^
-Shina
Yay! Another poem...
"Tell me in your sweet voice, So I can grin from cheek to cheek."
So, this is my favorite line. It provides a mental image that I adore. Keep up the good work on the poems!
~Classy
Okay, I really just didn't like this at all.
It didn't flow very well to me and it doesn't stand out at all. Your poetry needs to grab the reader and pull them in.
I did like this stanza:
I watch the earth spin,
Creating circles around my head.
Not knowing how to open up
Or what to do when you get in.
You really showed the confusion with the 3rd and 4th line.
In all, it was a decent poem, but it needs a lot of work. It was cloudy to me and I had to read over it twice before I could really get it. It's probably the rhyme scheme you're working with. It's unique, and that's a good thing! But you have to makes sure it flows too
I loved your starting! Don't you remove the line "You never loved me." If you did, the poem will have no beginning...
these lines are nice.
I found the last two lines of this para the best in the poem. very well written!
I lost the track a bit in this stanza... But the line "Our hearts beat in perfect collision." is fabulous. it shows the love of the character for the guy...
The second and last line in this stanza were my favorites.
What a superb ending!
you should change nothing in the poem... i find it absolutely flawless.
I really liked that! It was really well written. I want to read more of your poems because this was amazing! I loved it! It really hit the spot for me, and it made me think back a ways. Great job in bringing out the emotion and pain and love. It was really awesome!
Hello! I could relate to this poem on so many levels.
Other than the things I mentioned, you did a fantastic job. Hope I helped.
Sasha