Published November 23, 2009
I am flying on a swing
Soaring, gliding, floating
Leaping over the clouds
Leaping all the way to heaven
I am spinning on a swing
Twirling, rotating, whirling
Moving so fast I can barely see
Moving in circles, I lift off my feet
I am flying on a swing
Fleeting, rushing, speeding
Reaching out to catch a star
Reaching for a way to restart
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139,642 Literary Works • 672,638 Reviews
Hey there, Sking. Nice poem you've got here. Evokes great memories of swinging. Some of them quite hilarious, so brilliant. As Kammie said, maybe another stanza would help a lot.
And, like Hawkie, I think the use of three verbs 'soaring' and all, is very overdone and interrupts the floor so annoyingly it makes me want to scream. Also, do not forget your punctuation! The periods must not be forgotten at ends of sentences! *scolds*
Haha, but good job overall.
Tata for today!
-Miss Mizzle
Hi! I liked the three isolated words in each paragraph. And I agree that being on a swing is a bit like flailing back and forth. But I do so love that one moment where it seems like you're paused in the air and like you're flying. The swings are still my favorite, so I just absolutely love your poem. Its a bit dreamy, which I like. The ending didn't throw me off at all, I thought it fit very nicely.
Hey thanks for the replies. I must admit, I was struggling for a way to end it, but I do agree with what you guys have said. Thanks!
Yeah, it reminds me of when I was younger, and the playground memories...haha now I really want to go swing. I have to agree with Amy about the end, it kind of through me off. But other then that I really enjoyed it I thought it was adorable
. Keep writing.
~Hope
Hey there!
I liked this! It really evokes memories of, well, swinging on swings in childhood! It's quite lovely.
One thing I would point out is your ending. You suddenly, without warning, push this idea of the narrator 'restarting' upon the reader. Before it's seemed like a memory of childhood, but now it has taken a completely different direction, and the reader doesn't know what you mean by that. It could be something to think about, because before that it was lovely.
~Amy
I agree with kamas. Swings bring to mind an image of elgs flailing, arms pumping and children squealing.
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Great use of verbs here, and it could stand to be a little longer.
Awesome job and keep on writing
pm me if you need any more reviews (hopefully longer than this one
Hope to see you around yws
Empress
Hi Skings!
This is quite cute, I must say!
I don't really have much to say about it, maybe extend it a bit. Add a stanza, about, possibly pushing? Since you push with your arms on a swing and that you have some meaning for it.
I personally enjoyed it very much. Really great job, congrats. I hope to see more work like from you soon!
PM me anytime, for anything.
Kamas
Hello! Psst, don't tell, but normally I don't review poetry. I think I can handle this, though.
In a recent poem of mine, I used three-verb sets very much like these. They didn't work so well - they interrupted the flow. These do too in my opinion. Full sentences have more momentum than isolated words and thoughts.
This is my opinion, and nothing more, but being on a swing doesn't feel very much like flying to me. =P More like being thrown unceremoniously back and forth (it's so fun!) If it feels like flying to you, though, please don't change it.
I like your ending.
I enjoyed reading this! It was short (but not too short) and pretty cool. Good work and keep writing! ^^
-Hawks-