I see you in my dreams, so happy so free. How can that be when we are holding hands? Me and you. You and me together at last? This was it. The last chance I had to let it all go, turn on the waterworks and actually cry from my soul, gone. To relief myself from this impossibility and finally accept that no matter what I see in my sleep, no matter what lies behind my eyelids, I can never be with you. She’s selfish. I’m selfish. You’re selfish- I mean perfect. Are you?
I see you in my dreams. And I’m not crying. I’m happy and free. I’m alive in you, your presence fills me with joy beyond measure. You touch me for the first time, taking my hand like its precious glass. Your lips press on my knuckles and my heart stops beating. You move your way up my arm, gently kissing my skin like candy. Never once do I feel uncomfortable. This is what I wanted. The smell of you is strong now, the kind of scent you can only appreciate with your eyes closed. And then…there’s nothing sexier than a man kissing a woman’s neck. It’s like at that moment, she looses all control. I lose all control.
I see you in my dreams but dreams are so far away. When I wake up you don’t see me anymore. Even when I cry, you don’t see me anymore. You have your own things to do; your own girls to woe. It’s worse than I ever imagined. My nightmare has come true. You not only don’t love me, but we’re not friends anymore. Our conversations are meaningless. When I look into your eyes I can’t find that place where I can rest and be myself and tell you my fears and secrets. That place I can be with you and talk for hours without exchanging words, to cry in each other’s arms when the world turns its back on us. That place- where we encourage one another to be strong and promise to never leave no matter what- is gone. Vanished. Not replaced, not hiding. It’s completely gone. And I’m left alone in the universe.
I see you in my dreams. There’s nothing between us. No space, no air, no rules, no hate, no guys, no girls, no worry, no confusion, no lies, no tears. Just you and me. Together. Holding hands, holding hearts. Sharing one life, sharing the same soul. Our hands support each other. Nothing will separate them.
So why do I cry? Why? Nothing was as it was. It was all a lie. We can never be. We can’t be holding hands and we can’t be happy. Why don’t we just start from the beginning and forget about each other for good. It’s easier this way.
I don’t see you in my dreams anymore. I see fluffy white sheep, late night snacks, never ending staircases or whatever dreams are made of. The assembly line ran out of you. Like you ran out on me.