Faye Summers Ch 1: The One With the Broken Window

Intriguing! Definitely an interesting looking book, from the ending of this chapter. The beginning was, of course, a bit iffy, but the ending solved that for me to some extent. But never mind that. To the review!

-"Like the world’s most dangerous jigsaw puzzle Faye thought briefly" I feel like there should be a comma between puzzle and Faye, to separate thought from text. I know the italicization already did that, but you know, dialogue also ends with a comma or a period, so it makes sense for thoughts to end the same.

-"“What happened??” Faye asked." This is just a personal preference, but double or three question marks seems a little amateurish for me. I don't know, I can't take it seriously personally. I mean, what's the point? To emphasize it? You could always say "?!" or describe it, as that's more creative than just repeating the question mark. But that's a personal preference, of course. Keep it or lose it, you decide.

-"I can handle."" Maybe "I can handle it" would be more fitting here. I'm not sure if this was intentional on a language perspective, or if it's just Faye's quirk to say things like that, but I suggest "I can handle it" would've been better.

-"She couldn't see any way to let them know she was there without making things super awkward." I view things like 'super' or 'very' as crutches in the text, something the writer might lean on instead of standing on the feet of description or plot. I'd suggest you remove it, as it doesn't really strengthen the word 'awkward' as much as it should, and 'awkward' is already strong on its own.

The Content:

1) As I said before, the beginning caught me a little off-guard. It didn't have the best transitions into the story, no eye-catching statement to hook the reader, no characters that immediately grab you--but it did have a strange event, which is usually a good place to start. You've been warned away from info dumping, but leaving the readers in the dark is just as bad. If it's needed to understand the story, I suggest starting by answering these questions: What is happening? Where are the characters? Why are they there? Who are the characters (briefly--just say something like "Bree, the boss, slouched over the broken glass" or something of the sort. Their personalities and characters can be developed later)?

2) I'm intrigued as to what's happening with Bree and this Mr. Menacing we have here. My guess: aliens. I'm rarely ever right, though, but it's more fun to be wrong and laughing at myself. Anyway, I think the way you introduced the two characters was pretty interesting, but I still think that there should've been a dramatic pause when the deeper voice responds. Like, Faye just stands completely still, trying not to breathe or something. Just a suggestion.

3) The ending was pretty cool. I think I should complain briefly about how shocking (hahahahaha puns) it was, but I won't bother, it's perfect in its shocking ways.

Hopefully my review gave you some ideas, or at the very least gave you insight to a reader's mind. Looking forward to reading the rest of this!

Signing out,

--EM.

Hey there, yizhongt here to leave a review. I really liked the story. I felt that it flowed very well from one scene to the next. I'm curious to know that actually happened to the window of the diner. From what I can tell, a car did not crash in to it. There are a few grammar mistakes here and there.

Firstly:

“Oh- oh my, are they okay??”

“What happened??” Faye asked.

You only really need one question mark. You don't need to have two. It's unnecessary.

Secondly:

Bree walked up to Faye. "Hey soldier." She said. "How goes the war?"

It should actually be "Hey soldier," she said. "How goes the war?" Put a comma instead of a full-stop. There are a few sentences where you make this mistake, but its easy enough to correct.

Anyways, this is a good story. You have me interested to know what happens next. Just who is Bree and this mysterious stranger. Can't wait for the next chapter. Keep writing!

Hey mate, how are you? Since this is fairly long, I'm going to review it as I read.

"The window was broken. The once whole pane was shattered into hundreds of pieces. They lay static--"
Static? I'm not entirely sure if that's the word you're looking for.

"--on the ground, looking for all the world as though they meant to be there. The only hint of the violent force that had created them were their jagged, irregular edges, making each piece unique."
I like this description.

"Like the world’s most dangerous jigsaw puzzle thought Faye briefly, but she was more preoccupied with whatever the force was that had created the scene."
//Maybe change that to:
"Like the world’s most dangerous jigsaw puzzle," Faye thought briefly, but she was more preoccupied with whatever the force was that had created the scene."//

Great start, I'm intrigued. Maybe add more details here at the start to explain what's going on to it's entirety, unless of course you wrote it for the effect of details being spread out. (sorry if that didn't make much sense)

"In the place of the window hung a tarp, and behind the tarp sat Bree, in a booth, silently stirring her coffee. A cheery jingle came from the bells on the door as Faye burst in, letting early morning sunlight flood the room. Bree winced."
Very nice detail here.

" “What happened??” Faye asked.
“I, uh,” Bree began. She thought for a moment. “There was an… accident.” She said slowly.
“Yeah, I can see that. What kind of accident?”
Bree paused. “Car.” She said decidedly. “There was a car accident.”
“Oh- oh my, are they okay??”
“Yeah. It was a big old truck. They just drove away, I didn't even see who was in there.”
“...”
“You can go home today, I'm just waiting on a guy to bring in a new window.”
“Yeah ok, I’ll just...” Faye turned to leave, then abruptly turned back to Bree. “You sure you don’t want me to help clean up, or…?”
Bree chuckled. “Goodbye Faye.”
Something was off. Bree was not a very good liar, but there were never many moments when she had needed to lie to Faye. They had been good friends for years, what made this situation any different?
Faye’s thoughts were interrupted as the glass on the concrete glared the sun in her face. That was off too, though she couldn’t put her finger on why. She made her way home, dissatisfied, but not too concerned."
I'm quite pleased with how this is going, however when Faye isn't talking, you don't need to put the "...". Perhaps write it like this:
“Yeah. It was a big old truck. They just drove away, I didn't even see who was in there.” (add movement or something of the sort here, so for ex) Bree said, giving a slight nod,
“You can go home today, I'm just waiting on a guy to bring in a new window.”
No need for an extra "..." if there isn't any dialogue.

"Faye Summers absentmindedly surveyed the inhabitants of the diner. There were not many up for coffee at two in the afternoon, so there were only a few occupied tables. Most of the people there were just college kids bumming off the WiFi to turn in assignments, or more likely to check whatever social media was their forté. Sunlight streamed in through the new window, courtesy of a reckless driver from a few months before. At least, that was the story. Faye was usually generous when it came to suspending her disbelief, but something made her wary."
Excellent description here and very well put. Details are an excellent thing to have in story writing! I love the scenery you depict here.

"Faye's drifting eyes made contact with Bree, who winked. Faye smiled. Bree and Faye had been friends long before they ever worked together. Faye felt slightly as though she were cheating, having a close friend give her a job, but she was always there when Faye needed her. Metaphorically, that is. Literally however, Bree was often hard to find. It was slightly frustrating to not know where she was when Faye had to deal with a particularly cantankerous customer, but Faye let Bree be. She was a busy person."
I love the use of more descriptive words. Lord, I feel like I am being repetitive. I apologize.

"Bree walked up to Faye. "Hey soldier." She said. "How goes the war?"
“Oh, it’s great.” Said Faye sarcastically. “I just love being here and not being at home sleeping. It’s my favorite.”
Bree laughed. “I am your boss you know. You should show some team spirit. Where’s your gumption?”
-- "I am your boss, you know." There should be a comma there. Just a personal reference.

“Oh no, my gumption’s gone missing!”
“Can I ask you a favor? I've got something I need to take care of. Think you can hold down the fort for a bit?” Bree asked. “I know Tim's out sick but-"
"No, it's fine. We're not super busy anyway. I can handle." Faye said.
"Oh, You're a lifesaver! Thank you so much. Call me if anything happens." Bree said, rushing out the door.
At fifteen minutes after closing time, the final straggler left. Thank god. Faye had begun to think she would have to chase him out with a broom. She headed to clean the bathroom. As the bathroom door shut, there came the familiar jingle of the front door opening.
"Faye? You still here?" Bree's voice carried down the hall. Before Faye could respond another, deeper voice spoke.
"Why do you even keep her around?" It said.
"what?" Laughed Bree.
“Faye. You two are too close. She’s gonna find out sooner or later.”
“Well you could bring that up without sounding all ‘Mr. Menacing.’ Faye’s been my friend since before you were my friend, so no, I’m not going to stop keeping her around or whatever you were saying.”
Faye felt trapped. She couldn't see any way to let them know she was there without making things super awkward. As the two talked, she could hear them getting closer. She quickly put earbuds in, but didn't play any music. If it came to it she could just say she didn't hear them come in.
“I just don’t want her to get into something she’s going to regret.”
“See there you go, being all threatening again. Besides, I’m super mixed up into this mess, and you have never apologized to me for it.”
“That’s because you’re a weirdo who likes all things crazy. Why else would you willingly hang out with me?”
Faye decided that the conversation was breaching the territory of one they didn't want her to hear. She opened the bathroom door.
"Sorry, I didn't hear you come in." Is what she would have said. She didn't have the time. What she did have the time for was to look at the shocked faces of the two in the hallway, before they disappeared completely in a ball of static-y haze.
Faye stood in stunned silence for several seconds. Then she began to run. She didn't stop until she was home."
AMAZING SO FAR! I feel as though I was slightly repetitive however just a few nit-pick things I found. I'm really liking this story though! It was really good! Keep up the good work. Sorry if I was irritating.