z

Young Writers Society


12+

Haunting Home

by sjdwrite


Woosh....

I looked around as I passed through the screen door into my mudroom. I saw my mother's beloved photos of the park and some of Bill's drawings. I sighed as I remembered all of the good times that my family and I had before...

The accident.

Oh, the accident.

A month ago, I was killed in a car crash as my mom was pulling out of my high school. Some careless senior student driver was pulling around the parking lot and wasn't looking where he was going. He slammed into the side of my mom's car, crushing and killing me instantly. I didn't feel that much pain, honestly, I just felt terrified. The last thing that I thought before everything went black was, 'Please make them safe." By 'them' I meant my family.

When I opened my eyes again (well, figuratively- I was dead, remember), I was in a hospital, with a whole bunch of doctors trying to work over me. The strange thing was, though, that I was seeing everything in black and white. I still am, actually. I guess that's a side effect of being a ghost. Also, I couldn't move, no matter how hard I tried. The doctors were yelling frantically and running all over the place. After a couple of minutes, one of the doctors shook his head and said, "It's no use, he was dead before he got here. He probably passed when the car hit him." All the other doctors seemed to agree, and a white sheet was drawn over my face.

I was moved around a lot but had no idea where I was going. When the sheet was finally removed, I was in a funeral home. The undertakers cleaned me up and made me presentable. They dressed me in a suit and combed my hair. After that, I was put in a casket and set up for my wake. It turned out it was an open casket, to my surprise. I guess it was because the upper half of my body was pretty much undamaged.

It's a strange thing, watching your own wake. You see people mourn for you, and you want to go up to them and say that you're there so badly, but you can't. I still couldn't move. It was heartbreaking to see my family cry so hard. I nearly cried myself, but the thing was, I physically couldn't. You can't do much when you are frozen still.

Anyway, the next day, it was time for the final goodbyes. After the mass, I was taken to the mausoleum that my great-grandparents were stored in. I was put in and closed in. Then, suddenly, everything changed.

I seemed to float away from my body. I panicked, flailing and waving my arms. I came out of the mausoleum and started to fall. Then, out of nowhere, someone caught me. That, someone, turned me around and straightened me up. She was a pretty girl around my age, about 15. "You know," she said. "Out of all of the ways I've seen ghosts come out of here, that was one of the most embarrassing."

"Yeah, whatever," I said, struggling to free myself from her surprisingly strong grip. "Could you please let me go? I want to ask you some questions."

"Ask away," the girl said. There were no signs that she was going to let me go.

I sighed. "Okay, first of all, who the hell are you? Second of all, I'm dead, right? Why is everything black and white? Why-"

The girl put a finger to my lips. "Not all at once. I'm Alice, and yes, you are dead. The reason everything is black and white is that you need to get some unfinished business done before."

"What do you mean, unfinished business?" I asked. I had stopped struggling but was still skeptical of her. "And would you please, for the last time, put me down?"

The girl sighed and released me. I took a step back and brushed myself off. "You have some final things you need to do before you can get your color vision back. Those things can be goodbyes, apologies, explanations, et cetera. Finish those things and your vision will be restored to what it once was."

"Okay, thanks," I said. "Is there anything I should know about being a ghost?" I asked.

"Well, you can't eat or touch most things, and no human can actually see or hear you," Alice said. "But the good things about being a ghost are that no physical object can hurt you, you can walk on water and air, you can walk through things, and you can fly. Plus, it's fun to scare the bejesus out of people."

I laughed. "Thank you, " I said. "I'll see you around." And with that, I flew up and away into the early evening sky.

~

This is the last thing on my list. Once I finish, I will get my color vision back. But this is the hardest thing on my list, saying goodbye to the ones I love the most. I already had done everything else on my list, but I had saved this for last because I really don't want to say goodbye to my family.

I guess it's not saying goodbye to them. I will always visit them, and I will always remind them that I am there for them. It's just saying stuff like I'm sorry and explaining everything that was left unsaid.

As I passed through my kitchen, I remember all the meals and good times my family had had at the kitchen island. I remembered all the bonding time we had spent in the living room watching TV and movies night after night in the summer. I realized how much I missed my childhood days when I went into Bob's room, which used to be the game room when I remembered all the fun my brothers and I had played the Wii when we were younger. I said my goodbyes to Bob and went to Bill's and I's bedroom, where I remembered all the nighttime conversations my brothers and I had had. There I said my farewells to Bill.

Now it's time for me to complete the most difficult task of all: saying goodbye to my mother. She loved me so much and would do anything for me. What happened in the parking lot that one day was not her fault, but she has felt guilty ever since.

I knelt down as I got to her bed. You could tell that she hasn't been sleeping well lately. She is probably worried about my brothers and how to keep them safe. I felt a pang in my heart as I looked down at her. She of all people didn't deserve this kind of stress. She was the best mom I could've ever had.

"Mom," I whispered. "I want to let you know that what happened is not your fault." I paused, unsure what to say next. "You were the best mom anyone could ever have. I'll be watching out for Bill and Bob, and you, of course. Let me know if you need me to do anything for you." I stood up. "I love you, Mom. Bye for now." I bent down and gave my mom a hug. (Well, as much as a ghost can hug.)

The moment I hugged her, my mom seemed to relax a bit. She seemed less tense and seemed to be in a deeper sleep. I smiled and floated downstairs.

As I was in the driveway, I paused. I realized that my color vision had come back. Also, there was one last thing I wanted to do. Using my newfound power of summoning the wind (that's another ghost perk), I gathered some leaves and spelled out my initials on the hood of my mom's car. That done, I flew away into the night sky, in search of someone to spook. Now the fun could begin.

The End.


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Thu Feb 15, 2018 3:01 pm
mklswn says...



I liked this, but it would have been cool if you had added some hauntings.




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Sat Jan 13, 2018 1:51 am
TJJProductionsGirl wrote a review...



This is a really nice short story but there are a few things that I would like to point our. The first thing that I noticed that when he said "Please make them safe" I understand what you were trying to say and it is your writing style but I would like to sat that you might want to rephrase that line to "Please let them be safe." or if you want to make I more dramatic "Please, please let them be safe." either way is fine though. When alice is naming the type of things that your vision is black and white for at the end you wrote "et cetera" when the proper spelling is "etcetera" same letters but no space please fix that. After Alice finished explaining you mention that he had other things that he wanted to take care of you never named them of course the probably weren't necessary or you really didn't have any good ideas that you wanted to use but I fell in the dark about this part and that the only thing that he had left was to say goodbye. This line " I said my goodbyes to Bob and went to Bill's and I's bedroom," The part about bob was fine but when you mention bill and the main charachter you use double possession. This makes this line confusing so I suggest you use "Next I went to the room that my brother Bill and I once shared" by saying this the sentence makes more sense. That is all. Thanks for reading this review!




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Fri Jan 12, 2018 4:28 am
nickelgotyourback wrote a review...



I love your writing style! It's humorous and flows well so it is easy to read. You are also really good at summarizing what happened. A lot of events happened in your story and you summarized it in what looked like a page or two. I love that it is in the point of view of a ghost I never read anything in that perspective. I also like the idea of how he had to complete unfinished business in order to get his color vision back. That is a unique idea, I know the usual stereotype is that a ghost fixes their unfinished business then they get to go to heaven. Since they get their color vision back instead of going to heaven does that mean they stay a ghost forever? That is an interesting concept. It would be so cool if you continue writing this and to see your characters interaction with fellow ghosts and if there is a certain ghost culture haha. It would be awesome because in this type of after life everyone that are dead are simply ghosts, so it would be interesting to see how they run things in this ghost-run after life haha. I do have a couple of suggestions. Maybe you could describe your characters appearance more like what your character looks like, what Alice looks like, what some of your family members look like. You can describe the appearance of the surroundings of the environments you explore more. As well as what your surroundings smell, sound and feel like to give your audience a full experience of your story. I know it may be too gruesome to describe what your character's initial hospitalized body looks like but maybe you could describe more of what your character's body looks like in his casket. Like he looks more pale and his face sunken with what appears to be a thick coat of makeup, and his eyes forced shut, how he didn't actually look like him. I'm also very confused as to whether or not the people that are still alive can hear your characters ghost self. When Alice told your character that you have to tell apologies and what have you, your character didn't question if whether or not the people that you told would hear you. Then when your character actually did talked to the people he needed to talk to I was confused if they could hear you and whether or not your character knew that they could hear you. I know some authors like to be vague in their writing to leave that up to the audience's interpretation but I personally just wanna know man haha. I do have some grammar suggestions for you. When you said "I remember all the meals and good times my family had had at the kitchen island." it would sound better if you just said one "had" instead of two and it would still make sense. The same applies with the sentence "...where I remembered all the nighttime conversations my brothers and I had had." Your sentence "I realized how much I missed my childhood days when I went into Bob's room, which used to be the game room when I remembered all the fun my brothers and I had played the Wii when we were younger. " is too long. It would be better if you split that up and to alter it a little to come across clearer, like: "I realized how much I missed my childhood days when I went into Bob's room, which used to be the game room. I remembered all the fun my brothers and I had when we played the Wii as younger kids." Also when you said "There I said my farewells to Bill." It would sound clearer if you said "It was there I said my farewells to Bill." I really enjoyed reading your piece. You ended it with The End???!!! Nooo!! You should continue this story haha. Keep on keeping on. Your writing is great dude <3





"The trouble with Borrowing another mind was, you always felt out of place when you got back to your own body, and Granny was the first person ever to read the mind of a building. Now she was feeling big and gritty and full of passages. 'Are you all right?' Granny nodded, and opened her windows. She extended her east and west wings and tried to concentrate on the tiny cup held in her pillars."
— Terry Pratchett, Discworld: Equal Rites