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Serendipity

by sj7445417


She sat there on the shore,panting and sobbing,gazing into the never-ending sea besides her,reminiscing about the day.She had hoped for this year to be better,without any insults,or bullying and yet all of her hopes were crushed the moment she entered the premises of the school.She was awkward around people,so they made fun of her and  had no friends.She was so busy crying her heart out that she didn’t even pay any attention when a boy came beside her and sat down.She looked at him and God he looked like he could even give the angels a run for their money and there she was,her own self. Even though she wanted to talk to him,she bit her tongue ‘ Why on earth would he want to talk to you’,she thought.

”Hello there ” he said.She couldn’t believe her ears and he chuckled at her expression.

”Urm… hiii… I ..i me.. mean hello.” 

”What are you doing out here all alone?” he asked.

She wanted to tell him  everything,about the bullying,the insults about the wounds she had inflicted upon herself,she had no idea why but she wanted.But she restrained herself.”Its beautiful out here ” she replied instead.

”That’s not the answer you know”. 

“I do”. And then there was silence,it became dark,they both went their separate ways.

It  became their routine,they both met at the same place,same time everyday and talk about their day.She slowly warmed upto him,told him everything.He too became her savior,helped her overcome her social anxiety.He made her promise that she wouldn’t cut herself anymore,she couldn’t do it at first but then she couldn’t afford to disappoint him,and so she tried Around a month passed by,she was now a totally different person,cheerful.She even made a few good friends at school,stopped cutting herself and also managed to stand upto her bullies.The only person responsible for all this was her savior, her best friend and she couldn’t thank him enough.

One evening she came late and he was there waiting.

” I want to tell you something "he said she encouraged him to go on.”I know you would probably hate me for not telling this to you beforehand but,  was one of the people you hate the most.I was a bully myself.I have done things I am not proud of trust me”.She could see the guilt seeping through his eyes,but still couldn’t grab hold of the situation .”I wanted to stop,I really did,wanted to beg for their forgiveness the day I realized its effects,I did I really did. I.. I … tru… I know u might never forgive me but…. Trust me if I had a chance I would have done my best to make it all better.I just ……. Just……”He had tears in his eyes 

“ Why didn’t you ?” was all that she managed to ask,she didn’t know whether she would ever be able to forgive him or not.”You .. should just go,its getting dark." He stood up and started walking,she didn’t stop him.She couldn’t sleep that night.

The very next morning the ground swept beneath her feet when she read the headlines in the local newspaper ” MISSING BOY FOUND DEAD DROWNED IN HIS CAR IN THE SEA”.It was him,his picture in the paper.He had been missing for over a month and the authorities confirmed that he had been dead for around a month now. 

'But  how??' she met him,talked to him how was that possible if he was already dead?.He had saved her.Had he been a ghost all this time.The thought terrified her initially until she realized that if this  was all real,even if he was an entity he never harmed her,he was her savior after all.She knew she had to move on.She knew he was there because he was repenting,he was guilty.

She went to his funeral, went near his coffin and spoke the words,they both needed badly”I forgive you”.

She felt at peace, and through the sudden warm breeze,that caressed her,as if meant only for her,she suddenly realized so did he.He could now leave this world, and she could live her life. 


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Thu Jul 13, 2017 5:05 am
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Junel wrote a review...



Hey there! This was perfectly short and sweet, with a lot of meaning, but grammatically it still has a way to go.
I saw that previous you had too many spaces before and after punctuation mentioned by another reviewer, but now you have a lot of places were spaces are missing. Going back and fixing this stuff always suck, but eventually, you'll get it right.

She sat there on the shore,panting and sobbing,gazing into the never-ending sea besides her,reminiscing about the day.She had hoped for this year to be better,without any insults,or bullying and yet all of her hopes were crushed the moment she entered the premises of the school.She was awkward around people,so they made fun of her and had no friends.She was so busy crying her heart out that she didn’t even pay any attention when a boy came beside her and sat down.She looked at him and God he looked like he could even give the angels a run for their money and there she was,her own self. Even though she wanted to talk to him,she bit her tongue ‘ Why on earth would he want to talk to you’,she thought.


So I bolded all punctuation that needs a space added after it. Also one place as two spaces. And the you has a weird apostrophe. This is only the first paragraph, but I think you get the idea anyway.

I hope this was helpful to you.

Sláinte -Junel



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sj7445417 says...


Thanks alot..



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Wed Jul 12, 2017 5:05 pm
Adolia1998 says...



I saw some minor errors and you seems to love using long sentences.



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sj7445417 says...


If you could enlighten me on those errors, i will really appreciate it.



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Tue Jul 11, 2017 10:26 pm
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myjaspercat wrote a review...



hey there sj7445417, welcome to YWS!
Myjaspercat here to leave a reveiw

She sat there on the shore , panting and sobbingcomma gazing into the never-ending sea besides her , reminiscing [about]the day. She had hoped for this year to be better , without s]any[/s] insults , any[or] bullying and [yet] all of her hopes were crushed the moment she entered the premises of the school. She was awkward around people, so they made fun of her . She had no friends, she was all alone.If she doesn't have friends then your reader can assume that she is alone. She was so busy in crying her heart out that she didn’t even paid[pay] any attention when a boy came beside her and sat [down]. She looked at him , andIf you're gonna keep the 'and' here then you can get rid of the comma that comes before it. God he looked like he could even give the angels a run for their money, and same as before, keep either the 'and' or the comma. there she was , her own self. Even though she wanted to talk to him , she bit her tongue ‘ Why on earth would he want to talk to you’ ,she thought.I would start a new paragraph here. Also, you should italicize thoughts so your readers know it's not a part of the prose. ”Hello there ” he said. She couldn’t believe her ears and he chuckled at her expression.New line needed here.”Urm… hiii… I ..i me.. mean hello.”New line needed. ”What are you doing out here all alone?” he asked.

She wanted to tell him , to tell him everything ,about the bullying , the insults about the wounds she had inflicted upon herself , she had no idea [why] but she wanted to do it . But she restrained herself .”Its beautiful out here ” she replied instead.New line”That’s not the answer you know”. New line“I do”. And then there was silence , it became dark , [and] they both separated[went] their [separate]ways.

It slowly became their routine , they both met at the same place , same time everyday and talk about their day. She slowlyYou've already used the word slowly. I would actually suggest keeping it here and taking it out of the beginning of the paragraph. warmed upto him, told him everything. He slowly became her savior , helped her overcome her social anxiety. He made her promise that she wouldn’t cut herself anymore , she couldn’t do it at first but then she couldn’t afford to disappoint him , and [so] she tried. Around[After] a month passed by , she was now a totally different person , cheerful . She even made a few good friends at school , stopped cutting herself and also managed to stand upto her bullies . The only person responsible for all this was her savior, her best friend and she couldn’t thank him enough for this.

That evening she came late and he was there waiting.Which evening? And new line needed. ” I want to tell you something he said”You misplaced the double quotations. she encouraged him to go on.”I know you would probably hate me for not telling this to you beforehand [but,] I was one of the person[people] you hate the most. I was a bully myself. I have done things I am not proud of trust me”. She could see the guilt seeping through his eyes, but still couldn’t grab hold of the situation .” I wanted to stop , I really did , wanted to beg for their forgiveness the day I realized its effects , I did I really did . I.. I … tru… I know u might never forgive me but…. Trust me if I had a chance I would have done my best to made[make] it all better. I just ……. Just……”He had tears in his eyes New line“ Why didn’t you ” was all that she managed to ask, Missing a question mark in the dialogueshe didn’t know whether she would ever be able to forgive him or not .”You .. should just go , its getting dark.” He stood up and started walking , she didn’t stop him. She couldn’t sleep that night .

The next morning the ground slept Pretty sure you mean something other then slept here, possibly 'swept'?beneath her feet when she read the headlines in the local newspaper: which read” MISSING BOY FOUND DEAD DROWNED IN HIS CAR IN THE SEA .It was him , his picture in the paper. He had been missing for over a month and now had been confirmed dead.Quick caveat: you started off by saying "the next morning" which implies that it was the day after she told him to leave but then you tell us it has been a month since then. Clean up your transitions. The reports comfirmed that he had been dead for around a month now. Reporters wouldn't really be the ones to confirm the death, that task falls on whoever did the autopsy But she met him , talked to him how was that possible if he was already dead. He had saved her. Had he been a ghost all this time.<-the period needs to be a question mark. Ok, this clears it up a bit, but I still think you should work on transitions. The thought terrified her initially until she realized that if [this] was all realcomma even if he was an entity he never harmed him[her] , he was her savior after all. She knew she had to move on .She knew he was there because he was repenting , he was guilty.

She went to his funeral , went near his coffin and spoke the words , they both needed badly” I FORGIVE YOU”. I don't really think you should have this dialogue in all caps, it takes away from the piece and feels unneeded. She felt at peace and so did he , he could now leave this world, and she could now live her life you're missing a period. Also how does he know he's now at peace if he's dead. Was there some kind of sign saying so? 


Ok, all in all that was a pretty rough piece in my opinion. I liked the idea and there are some pretty good emotions behind the writing but the negatives are over powering the positives [at least for me.]

First of all, since your characters are actually having a back to back conversation, you need to start a new line each time someone else speaks. This helps clarity and flow.

Second, you had a lot of problems with punctuation. Some things were missing while others were added and I noticed a lot [and I mean a lot] of places where you added extra spaces before and after punctuation.

There were also quite a few grammatical errors, which could have totally been avoided with a proofread.

Anyway, I think you have a potentially great piece here, it just needs to be cleaned up and polished. Other then that, good luck and continue writing. If you have any questions feel free to ask.



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sj7445417 says...


Thank you so much, i really appreciate it. And now since you have pointed it out, all of those mistakes, which i just kind of overlooked , seem really absurd. Well lets just say I am a newbee at the field, and I really appreciate your review.



myjaspercat says...


of course anytime. And we all start some where so don't be embarrassed or what not



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Tue Jul 11, 2017 9:18 pm
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GinaERufo wrote a review...



WOW. Is all that I have to say after reading this. It was very well done and the ending made me shiver, it was very well written. I like the idea of not naming the characters, but in the beginning the use of "she" was a little repetitive, so I think you should change some of them to "the girl" or something along those lines. Like I said though, it was a great read. You kept very true to the "short" part of a short story, and I didn't feel like it was dragging on or too short to be interesting, I think you kept it simple, but enticing. I'd really love to see your other works :) keep up the good job



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sj7445417 says...


Thanks, it really means a lot to me, and sure i will, try to make some changes.




Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world.
— Nelson Mandela