Here is my poem after some editing. I changed quite a bit, but I'm unsure about the flow of the fourth stanza compared to the rest of the stanzas. Please let me know what you think:
Two people wishing,
Throwing their coins
into a concrete fountain.
The water rippling
As it accepts the money.
Sea-maidens below,
Chuckling at their luck,
Extending long,
Turquoise hands
to grab the money,
Counting their plunder
As they retreat.
Giving nothing back.
Two people wishing,
Closing their eyes,
Chanting their desires
To a shooting star.
Black holes above,
Expanding with greed
and immense hunger,
Open their black mouths wide
And suck in the wishes
With long, rattling breaths.
Giving nothing back.
Two children wishing,
Placing their teeth
Under their pillows.
Hoping for a promise
Of a more peaceful life.
The tooth fairy arrives,
Shimmering in a gown
Of white and gold,
Dancing with her joy,
And quivering with new plans
For an even larger
Tooth mansion.
Taking the teeth,
And flying away.
Giving nothing back.
Two soldiers praying
To the Gods,
For an end
To the brutal war
That they are a part of,
For a peaceful day,
For a picture
Of their families.
Walking out to the
Battlefield,
Placing their lives
On the line
For a country,
A government,
A President,
That gives
Nothing back.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Thanks for the advice! I just wrote this yesterday and was really happy with the first two stanzas, but I was unsure what to do with the last ones. I wanted to post it to get comments as to how to change the ending, and that's exactly what I got! Thanks.
I liked the first two stanzas. You had some good imagery playing on the wishing well and shooting star. The only thing you need to do with these two stanzas is even out the lines (you have some long ones and they throw off the flow) and add some punctuation. By punctuating this as you would a piece of prose, you show the reader exactly how it's supposed to go, so he/she doesn't get lost in the words.
By the third stanza, however, you start to fall apart. Are these two children the same as the two people? If not, are they wishing to something else? Either flesh this out or remove it. If this wish is supposed to be the same as that of the two people, maybe incorparate the parents fighting thing into the first part.
The last stanza is also confusing? Whose "mouths stay closed, oozing anger at each other"? It's just a flurry of things happening and repeated images that doesn't make much sense. Perhaps as an end, you could show the people/children as they realize their wishes aren't coming true. Or come up with a different ending that illustrates your message.
You have some great stuff starting out, but if you re-do the end, it will be much better. Good job and keep writing!