Without Thought.

@Kafkaescence, thanks for the criticism and I've definitely taken into account what you've said. I was considering some of the points you raised already but I was unsure. Thanks for giving me your opinion.

But at times, I think you've taken some of the lines of my poem a little too literally. Butterflies obviously don't really turn into moths.

Again though, thank you for taking the time to comment on the poem.

siobhanmarie wrote:Satin sheen, Nice start.
softened green gleaming, I think just "soft" would suffice.
rumpled, with the hours. "Rumpled?" Ack. Not an impressive word. And "with the hours" sounds somewhat odd as well.
I lay here still, "Lie."

and watch the sun’s patterns Though I like this, I wouldn't say the sun has a pattern. Perhaps the sun's light does, but not the sun itself.
dancing,
on the window sill; "Windowsill." One word.
A distraction. Okay, I really have no idea where this came from. It doesn't really make sense both rhythm-wise and feeling-wise.

Must keep from thinking, Uh, this could probably be said more poetically.
becoming absorbed again. Absorbed in what? This line hints at a connection the reader is unable to make.
‘Live for the moment’,
they say.

But who are they?
Those with such ability
to ignore the thoughts Stick an "as" at the beginning of this line and you'll be good.
that ravage from within. "Ravage" sounds really strange here. It is usually not used just by itself.

Nerves become fear and doubt, "Fear and doubt." Cliched.
unsettling. Sounds weird. An adjective amidst all those nouns.
Butterflies become moths, They do?
eating,

eating away inside, How about "eaten?"
threatening to unravel
all that I am. Moths? Really?
How can one live in the moment, Careful with the long lines.

when all one sees
are pretty patterns, Meh.
dancing,
on the window sill? One word.

Thank you so much! It's really encouraging to hear something like that because I've never thought I have any ability to write anything worth reading. I posted this on the off-chance that someone might like it and I'm glad you can relate. I wrote this last night and I wasn't sure whether I would still feel the same about it during the day.
Thank you for the encouragement!

<3

Welcome!!!
wow you say this is your first poem? my first poem was all rhyming words and no sense lol but this right here is art. it captures me and makes me feel so many things. I can totally relate. When thoughts become the enemy and you try and distract yourself. You really do have talent so always keep a pen and paper close by and I'm sure you'll come up with classics. Its beautiful. Bravo!
my favorite lines, well at least the lines that spoke most to me and related most to me are
''Must keep from thinking,
becoming absorbed again.
‘Live for the moment’,
they say.

But who are they?
Those with such ability
to ignore the thoughts
that ravage from within.

Nerves become fear and doubt,
unsettling.
Butterflies become moths,
eating,''
if you can draw in your readers that much then my dear you have a gift. Do not be afraid to go out of the box and write beyond normality because if art wasn't all unique then it wouldn't be art.
keep up the good work!
x Upile x