The timer has started,
Countdown’s begun.
You have to finish this,
It’s now five to one.
Get the bread,
Cut it in half,
Just like the man,
Did to your heart.
Now spread the butter,
Make sure it's smooth,
If it looks battered,
Then you will soon too.
Add on some ham,
Cover the layer,
It isn’t that hard,
Don't be a failure.
He’s almost home,
The hand is near one,
You will surely fail,
You’re just half done.
Now drizzle the mayo,
In neat, orderly lines,
You failed that step,
The lines intertwine.
There’s 10 seconds left,
Put both pieces together,
I hope to escape,
The belt made of leather.
The door bursts open,
The timer is up,
In walks the monster,
I hope I’m in luck.
He takes the sandwich,
Bites as much as a half,
Face twists to a frown,
Ready to barf.
It flies through the air,
And into the bin,
Maybe that piece,
Is now what I win.
Starved for weeks,
Hunger unbearable,
I can barely think,
To walk, I’m not able.
I look for the half sandwich,
I crawl to the bin,
He takes out the belt,
For I committed a sin.
The one thing I wish for,
Have not an empty stomach,
What could grant that,
Is just half a sandwich.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
Wow, I love this. I do think that you could have possibly made the stanzas a bit longer as the shortness of the stanzas and the length of the poem can throw some people off, but other than that, it's great how you used the allegory of a sandwich to convey a message far deeper. God bless!
Well first of i thought this was supposed to be funny. . . I was very wrong. I was really conffused in the beginning, but once i kept reading I kind of wanted to cry. If it's not to much of a personal question what was your inspiration for this peice of writting? The only question i really have besides that is, why is it the sandwich that makes the man beat him/her? Or is it because it's the simple fact that the littlest thing makes the person angry? Anyways I thought this was amazing and caught my attention. A very good poem keep up the great work. P.s. if you could look at the short story i wrote it'd be much appreciated, just started yesterday.
Welcome to YWS, simplesu! I'm Artemis28 for a review.
Once again, nice job!
First, I'm going to talk about grammatical things. In one line you have "isn't not". I'm guessing you only meant "isn't"?
"It isn’t not that hard,"
That's all the grammar nitpicks I noticed, so good job with that. Now for the contents!
The idea of your poem was strange, but I liked it. This narrator has to make a sandwich in five minutes, and if she doesn't make it good enough for some man that comes at one o'clock, he'll punish her. You do a good job of showing and not telling here, which is great in a writer.
What I want to know is... why?
You build up the suspense so much and you say the narrator has to make the sandwich perfect, but why? I see no real reason for the narrator to make a ham-and-mayo sandwich, see it thrown in the trash can (because somehow it's not satisfactory), and be starved for days? You know, it might seem a little extreme for all of that to happen. If you give some reason why, then your readers might know.
That's all I have to say to you. Your poem was overall interesting and flows quite well. You did wonderful with this piece. If you think I was harsh in my review, please tell me and I will fix that.
XOX,
Artemis28
Hey Hey!
How are you? Ready for a review?
So when I read the description I thought this would be a weird game shows about sandwiches....Wow I was wrong.
You made something incredible talking about something as simple as a sandwich. Applause. Seriously!
To the actual review: Punctuation and structure are absolutely fine!
I have nothing! I like this too much! Congrats! Sorry that I cannot tell you anything to make better!
Love,
Lau