Published November 3, 2008
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140,811 Literary Works • 673,693 Reviews
Lol, I love it when I'm right! Yay! hehe xx
Hi,
Like olivia1987uk said, I would consider changing the names. Not both but just maybe one. Change the boy's name maybe. I really like the name Bella too. I really like your story, it was very interesting. I think maybe, if it was me, I would chage around some words when they are fist talking. Maybe make her fumble over her words or be giggly. From what I've seen, people who do drugs are out if it, even after their first 5 seconds.
I am in class right now and my next one is statring soon, so I will finish this later on tonight.
Love,
N
I like this! A lot!
There are quite a few errors, so you might want to re-read your stuff.
Over all I really like this. I can't wait to read more. I also agree with what olivia1987uk said this is quite rushed, so slow it down a little. Also, give more description. I really like this Pm when you post the next chapter!
-Krisy
Argh! If I hear these names once more I think I will scream! If I were you, I would change them just so people take your piece more seriously!
Take out the hypen and like...velvet soft voice...that'sa nice enough description...correct the typo on coming
I'd use the bit after the comma as a separate sentence, or maybe that's just me!
This sentence seems awkward...consider a rephrase?
I was told never to start a sentence with a conjunctive but everyone else seems to....
"Admit it" needs to be a stand-alone statement
This piece has promise, but it seems rushed and I'm not keen on the way the characters are speaking to each other...there's not enogh desperation of the guy trying to get his best friend better and her drug induced state doesn't seem very ral..it's a piece you need to research well to get it right....don't go trying any crack though! Hahaha!