Published May 31, 2008
A minute closer to death I am
than I was a minute ago...
I've lost my hope
and time slowly kills
what I've raised within:
past memories I'll never find again;
lost love is written on the rain;
my life is heard upon the wind
but it will stop...
I'll endlessly fall
in the vortex of my thoughts.
The Devil left me,
he just turned away,
God never listens to the things I say.
Life... life, i think, has had enough of me
and Death will never set me free...
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140,607 Literary Works • 673,549 Reviews
It was a little bit of a cliché at parts but it was short, sweet, and to the point. However, I do agree with Vernon. There wasn't much emotion in the piece. Also, a couple of lines seemed a bit weird to me.
This line sounds like Yoda from Star Wars. Plus, it doesn't have the comas, such. A minute closer to death, I am, then I was a minute ago, and even changed it just sounds weird, so I guess I don't like that line.
On the other side, I LOVED this line...
I am glad you took C.J. Mustang advice and capitalized Death. I think it brings more character to the piece. Good job.
Josh
well, first of all, i write for myself not for some reader. should they find themselves in those words, that's good. if not, oh well...
highly appreciated
2nd.. thank you for your comment
... Poetry like this is best avoided as it cliche and just plain angst. You also navelgaze. First rule of poetry, tell us a story, tell us about yourself but include emotion, imagery other langauge techniques make us feel it all completly. Remember show don't tell. People who read poetry want to be left feeling something other than plain frustration with writer or boredness. Give the reader something more than 'me, me and me'. Involve them. Let them feel it like you do. But for the record poetry like this best avoided full stop.
Overall: This poem has lovely wording but just leaves no emotion, and we feel why we read it. It's only about ya. And we feel nothing. Think of that.
Good luck
VSN
thank you very much for your comments.
I shall capitalize Death ... and put a comma at the end of the first line of the second stanza.
thank you again
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Posted: Sat May 31, 2008 7:08 pm Post subject: Trapped
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A minute closer to death I am (comma can be placed here)
than I was a minute ago...
I've lost my hope (fragment add all to it)
and time slowly kills (period could go here)
I just did a little revising for you so you can understand where I am coming from.
Feel free to pm me whenever if you have questions or comments.
Short but sweet. I like.
I love the use of semi-colons in the first stanza, it really helps the rhythm to speed up, and then stop abruptly with the ellipsis. I love how it flows, however, the first line seems a little non-sensical, maybe just get rid of the 'I am'?
The rhyme, although a little random, fits really well and doesn't sound forced.
I also agree with Mustang's comments on capitalisation of 'death', and maybe some for of punctuation at the end of the first line of the second stanza.
The subject matter is straight to the point and the use of imagery fits in really well, good job!
I really like your poem! I only have a few suggestions, though: