Published November 4, 2015
so you kiss me one day in your basement and then apologize and I want to tell you no it’s okay but there are a lot of things wrapped up inside okay and none of them are simple and none of them are fun or easy or possible to talk about and so i don’t, i say “see you tomorrow” and walk out the front door and smile all night
for a week after that i feel like there’s sunlight inside my chest and i want to do something big like carve a canyon or a castle or somewhere new to live where no one else has ever stood before (if i can find such a place) but part of me knows to stop and whispers to me in the shower and while i’m going to sleep: no no no no no
and here i am eight days since and back to where i started and it’s like i’m not even moving at all, one step forward, two steps back, and i want to do something big but it’s hard to get out of bed and to not cry in the middle of french class and it’s even harder to breathe and all of this is wrapped up in okay and maybe it’s not okay at all, i don’t know yet
the first girl i ever kissed told me later she was sorry about sending on poison and begged forgiveness, and i can’t ask you to go through hell just to feel like you’re mine
[spoiler] written for the prompt "monster" [/spoiler]
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139,787 Literary Works • 672,768 Reviews
Wow this is amazing! The concept is brilliant and simply a pleasure to read
keep up the good work. I look forward to reading more.
~RS.
Hi, my name is kman134 and I'm here to review your work.
i love how you discuss the idea of apologies; i loved how you pointed out whether you should forgive the person, or not.
"for a week after that i feel like there’s sunlight inside my chest and i want to do something big like carve a canyon or a castle or somewhere new to live where no one else has ever stood before (if i can find such a place) but part of me knows to stop and whispers to me in the shower and while i’m going to sleep: no no no no no"
this part is what got me; as the person who had harmed you is trying to seek your forgiveness, you barricade yourself, so you wouldn't have to deal with them; however, they keep coming to you, wanting to show them mercy and give them what they wanted, but you don't know whether you should forgive them or not.
This is a pretty good poem and wish you the best of luck.
Thank you!
Hey! Holly here for a review!!
First off, this is beautiful!
I like how you really captured me and and I could really feel the emotion of what you were stating.
Although, I do wonder if you could work on capitalization. I'm not sure if that was a creative thing or you just forgot.
Also I wonder if you could have started out with something more simple rather than what you said so that it doesn't escalate that quickly.
Plus, your punctuation could use a little work.
Other than that it was very beautiful and I enjoyed it very much!
Keep writing!
(capitalization was intentional~) Thank you so much for your feedback! I really appreciate it.
Hey!
, it is confusing when you add 'or somewhere new.' You should either leave it as 'I want to carve something big like a canyon or castle' or add another word to say or 'live somewhere new.' It is also confusing when you say . You need to change the grammar of it to make it make more sense such as saying " but part of me knows to stop and there are constant whispers in my head while I'm in the shower." I love the flow of what you're writing, but I do not like the way sound. You should take it out to make it flow easier or say "in the middle of class." So the last line is absolutely incredible. It is so beautiful but the line before that is confusing. You shift in the poem from a stream of conscience to an account from your past that does not necessarily add up together. Make that part more clear and still include the last line and this will be even more beautiful. Awesome job.Okay for starters this is so beautiful. I absolutely love how you base this all around the word 'okay.' It seems so simple, but you make it dynamic. I also like how you make it all seemed rushed like your thoughts are so overwhelming, but at some points it seems a little too jumbled and confusing. There are some things I would suggest altering a little bit. When you say,
Thank you so much for your feedback!
Holy mother of god.
This is incredible and like ty this pushes all the right buttons for me. You should totally jam with @Lumi and I on a writerfeedpad sometime because you have a lotttt of untaped potential in here and we like that kind of stuff.
Thank you so much! <3 You're such an excellent writer, honestly this means everything to me <3
dude you're such an excellent writer. Go you
First off, I want this as my epitaph.
Your sentiments and stream of consciousness delivery are wonderful. There's a ton of potential here, and really what I think holds it back the most is the lack of intentional direction. On that same hand, I like how rushed and compacted the sentences and feelings are, and I admire the sensation you give the reader with the compression. I think what I'd want is a bit of experimentation to see if there's a way to better the flow and give you an all-over better product.
Part three is the only area of discord that I trip over. You bring in sudden specific elements and a cliche phrase, so you have:
1. one step forward, two steps back
2. french class--it takes us out of the stream of consciousness that's built up after the kiss and the ideas of how big this person feels. And I can understand it conceptually as a sort of crash or coming-down from that emotional high and landing in the middle of real life as it happens in the moment, but as a literary presence, it's rather jarring; however, the sentiment that comes after is beautiful, and it redeems the misstep. Just barely, though.
All-in-all, this is right up my alley, and you've hit a ton of my buttons. I'd love to discuss poetry and wordcraft with you sometime--to see who your poetry gods are and what drives you. This sort of stuff grabs my interest and won't let go.
If you want to further talk about it, shoot me a message. We can jam in a pad.
Ty xo