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Violence

Super avocado.

by silver877


One day, there was a nice avocado tree. There was a scientist who was doing experiments on the tree, he was disappointed to see that the tree did not become a walking talking creacher like he attended. When he was walking away he slipped and saw an avocado fall from the tree. It landed into the dangerous goo that he irresponsibly left there then. BOOM! The goo exploded and the avocado emerged from the smoke and he saw that the avocado was floating. Then, the avocado grew arms and legs made of avocado peel. It also got a moth and and eyes (the eyes were a slightly lighter color then the peel). It flew up to the scientist and he told him "what might your name be." The man stood and said "w-w-williams. And you are the world's last hope. I'll call you seedy. Can you show me if you have any powers." "powers?'' The avocado said in surprise. He was so confused but he gave it a try. He punched a tree and it broke into hundreds of wood chucks. He was so weirded out that he shot a lightning bolt from his hand. Then he shot lasers from his eyes. after Williams explained everything he told the avocado that a man called Big Joe who is the meanest giant ever has taken the land over. seedy went to the lair and saw the big man himself. then without warning they started fighting. Then Seedy threw a rock at Joe he ran off but Seedy cased him into a cage. He saved the land and got the respect of everyone and himself. Now he stays at his home town and defends his home earth.


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174 Reviews


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Sat Aug 01, 2020 1:31 am
JesseWrites wrote a review...



Hello @silver877,

One of the first things that caught my eye was how it's all bunched up into a cramped paragraph. Normally the paragraphs are split at changes in thoughts, so two different actions would be broken up as keeping the together would be confusing to anyone reading. Wherever your story changes in idea is where it would be preferred to break it up. This also helps with making your story look pleasing because one large block isn't attractive.

I do enjoy the onomatopoeia added, but i do think it could be worked over a little better. It does look a little childish, so maybe italicizing it can help bring out the voice without making it seem overly out there. Bold can also work in that situation, but that it your choice as it is a stylistic suggestion. I would highly recommend it though.

Now I'll be going in with colors to correct or give suggestions:

One day, there was a nice avocado tree. There was a scientist who was doing experiments on the tree, he was disappointed to see that the tree did not become a walking talking creacher like he attended. When he was walking away he slipped and saw an avocado fall from the tree. It landed into the dangerous goo that he irresponsibly left there then. Okay, this is where detail comes in. Explain why it was there because that helps you build up everything before and afterBOOM! The goo exploded and the avocado emerged from the smoke and he saw that the avocado was floating. Then, the avocado grew arms and legs made of avocado peel. It also got a moth and and eyes (the eyes were a slightly lighter color then the peel). It flew up to the scientist and he told him "whatCapitalize that might your name be." The man stood and said "w-w-williamsCapitalize that. And you are the world's last hope. I'll call you seedy. Can you show me if you have any powers." "powers?'' The avocado said in surprise. He was so confused but he gave it a try. He punched a tree and it broke into hundreds of wood chucks. He was so weirded out that he shot a lightning bolt from his hand. Then he shot lasers from his eyes. after Williams explained everything he told the avocado that a man called Big Joe who is the meanest giant ever has taken the land over. seedy went to the lair and saw the big man himself. then without warning they started fighting. Then Seedy threw a rock at Joe he ran off but Seedy cased him into a cage. He saved the land and got the respect of everyone and himself. Now he stays at his home town and defends his home earth. I don't think we even learned anything about the scientist. If you want a fleshed out story, we need backstory and character details.


Dialogue is always uncapital when it should be. It's just like a sentence, so it should be treated like one. I also see beginnings of regular sentences being uncapital. "A basic grammar rule is that the first word in a complete sentence should be capitalized." Names are another thing that follows that rule, so they shouldn't be lowercase.

That's all, so have a good one.
Haley




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Fri Jul 31, 2020 8:30 pm
Stormblessed242 wrote a review...



Hello, Stormblessed here!
This was a fun little read! It's a cute and creative story. There are a few spelling and grammar mistakes, which I'll point out for you. I'll write down each sentence that has a mistake than make the corrections. The words in bold are spelling corrections, and the words in italics are grammar corrections.

There was a scientist who was doing experiments on the tree, but he was disappointed to see that the tree did not become a walking talking creature like he intended.



It landed into the dangerous goo that he had irresponsibly left there then.

Cut out the "then"

A mouth then formed along with eyes. (the eyes were a slightly lighter color then the peel.)


It flew up to the scientist and he asked him "What might your name be."


The man stood and said "w-w-williams. And you are the world's last hope. I'll call you Seedy. Can you show me if you have any powers?"


There are a few more places where you're just missing some capital letters, but if you look closely, I'm sure you'll find them! Just remember, the first letter of a word is capitalized if it is the first word in a sentence, or if it's somebody's name.

but Seedy chased him into a cage


Those were all the mistakes I could find. I know it's a lot, but dont be discouraged! Mistakes are part of learning.
I can't wait to read more of your stories!

Hope this helped!
Stormblessed242




silver877 says...


Thanks i'll keep that in mind.




Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.
— Mark Twain