Published February 20, 2008
The silent darkness
creeps up around me.
The stillness fills my ears
and head with thoughts
of today.
Anxieties of tomorrow.
what it brings.
But I'm just too tired
to let my mind fast-forward
so I click pause
on my mental remote control.
Take a deep breath
Try to drift
and join the silence.[/pre]
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140,831 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Well if I am going to honest in order to help you then I have to say I disliked this poem greatly.
I'm not going to go in a whole breakdown line by line but I will give some advice.
Forget everything you think you known about poetry. Then, when you're sitting down eating your dinner and lines of poetry started running through your mind. Write it down. Then, create a poem from that. Don't set a 'time to write.' It only limits your capabilities. Unless, you can really work like that. In which case, forget what I said.
Here's to hoping you create lovely poetry! Peace!
Hi,
It's really good to edit your work, you learn from it.
I really liked your poem. It was a good piece. I liked the part about the remote control, it stood out from the rest of the poem!
I didn't notice any grammar mistakes, but you seemed to have already edited before I got here
I hope you stick to this site, I'd say a lot of people from this site will turn out to be authors, hopefully I'll be among them, and you too! You could write a book on poetry, it would be wonderful.
My favorite part of the poem was:
"But I'm just too tired
to let my mind fast-forward
so I click pause
on my mental remote control."
I'm thinking about writing a poem!
Love,
N
I liked the remote control metaphor, but it really doesn't fit into the rest of the poem. It would be great if you incorporated it into the poem more, having the whole thing center around the nighttime mind being like a TV or something and you have to wield the remote sometimes.
Anyway, other than that, I really couldn't find anything. You have a nice poem there! Congrats!
*cheers*
~GryphonFledgling
First of all.. Welcome to YWS!
This stanza seems off (and since I still can't get the quote to work, it's handwritten):
to let my mind fast-forward
so i click pause
on my mental remote control.
this didn't really fit. I think it went a little off with 'So I' I think it was the So. I don't know what you could change it too, but the metaphor is a little off for this poem (or it seems to be for me). Capitilize your I's. I can't give you any spelling or punctuation advice, though, because I can't spell or use punctuation correctly for the life of me.
That was about the only line that really bugged me.
Happy writing and a happy time at YWS!
~MV
Punctuation and sentence structure are something you could work on, like for example 'Anxiety of tomorrow' should be 'Anxieties of tomorrow' or 'Tomorrow's anxieties'.
Overall though I liked it; you created the atmosphere well and the topic is very relatable.
Autumn xx
You are a young writer, but everyone under the age of 25 is too, hence the name of this site. Your poem is simple, which isn't a bad thing, but there are a lot of things that can be fixed. I would suggest you look over your poem before I give you any real advise and try to find for yourself what to edit. My only hint; punctuation.
Hey- and welcome to YWS, I hope you stick around, because I love to review a nice bit of poetry every now and then.
Ok, at a glance- I liked it.
However although each separate piece of imagery is good by itself- they just don't seem to 'gel' together in the same poem. I suggest axing the latter:
The conversational tone is great, I liked the way your thoughts meandered out through like a long, discontented sigh. I really believed your frustration, and the fact that it was night.
Few grammatical errors here and there...
(Replaced the comma with a full stop)
And end the last line with one too.
Alas, nothing that a good polish up can't solve.
I really do suggest that you stick around, you said that you were a young writer and that you needed help- this is the right place for your skills to develop further.
You have talent, so why not let it flourish in a new environment?
Great start, PM me for any other questions, or if you want something reviewed.
Eimearxx
This is really the only line that I wanted to comment on. It's not bad, but it has a tone that is very different from that off the rest of the poem. Aside from that, however, its a very good poem. Cute and simple but its a good poem.