Published July 20, 2009
flowing forth
unknowingly
following the pack
the rest,
the norm,
only to end
at the same place
The Beach.
left to their own accord
crashing
casually,
creating a soothing tune
to which the atmosphere
beats along with,
only for its spectators
to enjoy at
The Beach.
washing away scars
as they sing
cleaning the wounds,
leaving a smooth surface at
The Beach.
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140,122 Literary Works • 673,030 Reviews
AWESOMENESS! There are a few grammer issues, ones which have been mentioned in earlier replies (☻). I loved the reptition and how it all seemed to connect back to the Beach. How you described the waves was amazing, and I loved the metaphors you used. The last stanza was kind of weird, but in a good way, like I've never really thought about waves like that poetically before. Overall, it was amazing. I ♥♥♥ it! ♦allikat98♦
I agree with Aqua.
Its really good..
keep up the good work..
yeah, the title fits in really well. you don't need to change it at all.
plus don't forget that yours is better, and will always be
no, but seriously keep the title waves!
ah but then the whole focus of the poem would be the beach, and it's about the waves right? keep it as it is, it's good!
Aqua X
lets say if i changed the title to the beach ? like i origionally had it...then it'd be a bit harder lol...
ah fair point . . . but i think the title told me
Aqua X
thanks aqua...because i never say that they are waves and i never give a scene .. i figured i'd keep going with the beach.. to make sure its there as a setting....i worried people might not figure out that they were waves lol...
Hey!
I thought this was really good!
I liked the unspoken metaphor in the first stanza - that people will follow other people through their life, doing the same things and always ending up at the same place no matter what they do. Loved it!
One thing i don't get is why "The Beach" is A) In capitals and B) Repeated. It kind opf annoys me when one part of a stanza is in capitals when the rest isn't,i understand it might be for effect but I'd remove it and let the words do the magic themselves. The repetition is effective but i thought that the focus of the poem was the waves, their journey and what they do. Not their destination? But i might have got it wrong.
You had a couple of typos but they've been pointed out so i wont go into that!
My favourite lines were "smoothing away scars at the beach" it seemed really powerful to me, like all wounds can be healed eventually.
Great poem!
Aqua X
never never never never never! you are too modest
MINE IS NOT BETTER THAN YOURS
yours is really good, how could mine ever be better? well done
it is I who must thank you... your poem will always be 10000x better...
heya
I loveed it, inspired by me? cool thankyou silented 1, yours is very good.
well done!
haha sorry man... the uncertanity thing.. should be casually.. haha i guess i forgot to change it lol
Hey silented1! Hope you don’t mind if I go over this. Well, you asked for more reviews, so I’m happy to help out. If you liked the way I reviewed this, don’t hesitate to come to my review for food page and ask for others. If you didn’t but still want more reviews, come to the Review for Food forum anyway to find someone else! So here we go.
The word you want in the second line is ‘unknowingly’. What you have there is not a word. I feel like the underlined should have its own line to clearly demonstrate its similarities to the following words ‘norm’ and ‘rest’. Also, I’d like to ask whether or not leaving the only The Beach capitalized was intentional. It seems like it is, so I guess it just bothers me that the beginning of the stanzas are left in lowercase. That’s only personal opinion speaking though. Also, I think a hyphen or something along those lines after ‘place’ might make the emphasis on the beach stronger. In terms of imagery, I’m not sure if I get much here, besides the fact that the waves follow each other like little animals, which is pretty cute to think about. I’m just wondering if you could expand and elaborate more on that idea here. You don’t need to add tons of new stanzas, but just a few more words would do just fine.
The word in the third line is spelled ‘uncertainty’. There is no ‘i’ in [s]‘team’[/s] between the ‘n’ and the ‘t’. I like the imagery in this one, it’s really nice. I only have one question. If they beat along, crashing with uncertainty, how does it make a soothing tune? I think that soothing implies a quiet confidence more than doubt. So you might want to rethink that and find the connection between those two ideas, or simply change the tone from being unsure to sure.
This last bit is so short! I want to know more! Which wounds do they clean? Whose scars do they wash away? I like the ideas, but it’s still a little vague. What if you just added a few more words. Like, what if the wounds mentioned are fallen castles, nebulous scars on the sand? That particular example is horrible, but you understand what I mean. From what is written here, I got the image of a gentle mother, singing to her child to distract while taking care of all the ouchies
In general, I like what you have already, a lot. This poem just needs a little elaboration and expansion, some powerful words to really make it stand out. It's not a very long poem at all, and it wouldn't hurt to add.
Best of luck, I hope I helped a little,
octo
i'm quite sorry for asking.. but may i have some more reviews ?
Very insightful! The metaphor is original and well-thought-out. You might want to correct a few typos, though.
Also, these lines are a little mixed up:
Grammatically, it should be "which the atmosphere/beats along with" (no 'to' required--'with' is your preposition there) but I think even that is a little clumsy. I think you'd do better to condense it to "the atmosphere beating in time" or something of that structure rather than trying to fit a "which" in there. Come to that, is the word 'atmosphere' a little too formal or scientific for this context? Maybe 'air' or 'sky' or something more informal would fit better here. I'd consider it, anyway.
Keep writing!
~Stripes
The imagery and the underlying meaning in stanza one was really nice and well thought of.
The poem has great subtlety
I think i might have understood the underlying meaning of your poem.
The waves just follow each other and in the end just wind up at the beach just like we people follow our peers.The waves cleaning the beach and the spectators enjoying the site of it perhaps indicated how others benefit from someone else's work.
I hope my interpretation was correct.
Really nice poem.
I like the repetition of the Beach, but shouldn't it be the waves since that is what you are talking about. I get that the place is the beach but you are talking about waves right?