Red light
is filtering
through the glass,
show me this room
in full light.
White light,
not red.
I can’t see this
for what it really is.
My mistakes
are blending in
so easily.
It’s the white light;
that I need,
that has no favorites,
that lets me know,
that I am holding
a computer mouse
and not knife.
Let me see this room,
my mind,
for what it is.
Let me know
that it’s mine
and not yours.
Let me see this world
in white light,
not red.
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey Silent! I warn you again, this illness is doing strange things to my head. So if I say something that's like "... O_o...", forgive me.
Okay. Two things here. I'd suggest you'd change the comma after "glass" to a period, since "show me this room" has nothing to do with the above sentence. Also, I really hate the bit "not red." We already understand that the narrator wants white light, not red, so no need to shove it in our face. It sounds better without it, anyway.
My main problem with this stanza is the punctuation. I don't like the semicolon there. I think it'd be better if you took punctuation out in that spot completely. "It's the white light that I need" flows much better. And then I don't like the comma after 'need'. I'd change it to a period, and maybe make 'that' in "that has no favourites" into 'It'. Along with the other 'that' that follows. When you read it aloud, versus what you have originally, it sounds more clear. And last thing about this stanza... I think that "a computer mouse" kind of ruins the image here. It doesn't really have anything to do with the rest of the poem. What if you just made it "that I am not holding a knife" or something?
This is a good ending. I think it'd make it more meaningful if you used a semicolon instead of comma after light. It would make the reader pause and think about this stanza, and think about the rest of the poem. That's a good ending, in my opinion.
So, we have a great beginning here. The idea is excellent, but the poem's just a little bare. There's not enough imagery to satisfy the reader. What does the red light look like as it's filtering through? Does it slither like a snake through the dust? Does it pour in like water? Give us more to chew on, more to think about! I think it you just embellish a little, you'd have a great poem. Your punctuation is a little off throughout the poem, however. It ruins the flow to have the comma where a period should be, or vice versa. Read it out loud a couple of times. Does the punctuation you have there make you pause in the right places?
I really do enjoy this piece. I love the symbolism of the red and the white. It gives this a whole different meaning, which I enjoy.
Hope the review was helpful enough,
-Holly
I can honestly say, that this poem is unique to me. You wanted me to be brutally honest, I feel it's kinda vague and the repetion though excellently used through out, is used a little too much, and a suggestion change red to crimson. It'll flow better.
Now, nitty gritty, if I can find this, because said only good things so far. The beginning seems too disjointed, you said it's about drugs, but so much more you can write, not just sight, but scent, what you hear? Put it all in. Capture our senses with it, instead of just one, which loses it's feeling too soon after.
And white as the colour of good, and innocents, change, it's used too often, a bright colour, bright blue, like sky blue or something or something.
I wish I could say more, but alas I can't. Did my best.
Good luck
VSN
thank you.. and i was hopping the message would be cought and all imagry that wasn;t tied in would help make a sense of confusion or not knowing that to do or how things are...haha oh well...next time i will make it better...
I like the use of adjectives particularly the use of colors. There was definitely a healthy balance between the "red light" and the "white light" allowing for easy subconscious comparison.
I read in your comment that the "red" light represents a lie and the "white" light represents truth. After reading this, in terms of the poem's overall message, I came to the following conclusion: The poem is about the contrast between right and wrong, its difficulties, and its effect on the mind. I'm not sure that is the message you were going for, but this was my impression to say the least. However, my initial impression after reading it, was vaguer and difficult to understand the poet's intent.
It could be possibly (and this is only a suggestion), that there is quite a bit of (as I like to call it) "loose imagery" floating around in the poem. In other words, the imagery does not tie in to the poem's overall meaning such as:
"that I am holding
a computer mouse
and not knife."
and
"Let me see this room,
my mind..."
Ideas are kind of tossed out there, but there's no real conclusion. I didn't really feel as though the imagery tied into the idea of the poem. As a result, the message was not as clear. One suggestion to making the theme clearer is to include the "thesis" of your poem IN the poem. As an example, it could even be: "red light is a lie..white light is a truth." Find some place in the poem to include this!
While it may not seem "dramatic" or even "poetic," it unifies the text...giving random imagery its place in the poem without having to change too much.
thanks christy and red light is a lie..white light is a truth.
I like this, I don't quite understand it but I like it. I don't get the point of it being red, wouldn't it be better in black or something like that? O well anyway I do like this though.
Keep Writing
Flower