The night she died
was one worth remembering,
it was cold...
and windy..
but it was bearable...
We adorned our suits
of black and our tears.
It hadn't snowed,
maybe nature feared
to ruin this day,
a day of remembrance
one that would not end
for anything.
The wind,
didn't have a chill to it...
it just walked through the town
knocking on doors
letting people know...
something had happened...
it helped us mourn.
And some clouds were in the sky
just enough to make it a
dark day and too few
to block out all the light...
shining down...
welcoming the departed...
Its one week later
as i travel to her tomb,
so i can leave a notebook and a pen
beside her coffin.
And my poem
signed
with all the love
of an aching heart.
I still miss you
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,027 Literary Works • 672,772 Reviews
thank you =] all
Hello! I don't tend to read what other people have said already, so apologies if I'm repeating anybody. Let's go!
A good opening stanza, with some nice but rather basic imagery. How cold was it? What did the wind feel like? Also, the elipses ... are unneccessary and a bit distracting.
I think "of black" should be on the first line here because although it would make the first line a bit long, it is of the same subject, and the tears is something different to talk about on the next line.
I really like the idea of nature not wanting to ruin the day.
Again, the elipses aren't needed. I like how you gave the wind a persona here.
Good last line here, again, giving the weather a persona.
"Its" should be "it's" here, and I's should be capitalized. Also, why a notebook and pen? This isn't clear.
Ahh, now I understand the notebook. Sweet stanza.
And a nice ending. However you switch from saying "her" to directing it and saying "you". I might be inclined to put that last line in italics to show that this was intentional, like an inner thought. Overall, good job, just needs a little tidying up.
Hey Ed. Sorry it took me so long to get here.
But I'm here now right?
Well I always love your poems but here we go:
The ellipsis: Remember it is three dots. (...) Also I think it would be more effective to put a period.
I suggest cutting out the 'but' in the last line.
I think this line needs some work. Changing it to something like:
- We adorned our suits, our black and tears
- We adorned our suits of black, our tears
Or something like those two. Make it flow better
This stanza is okay. It works, I just don't enjoy it that much, personal opinion.
I'd change the stanza a little bit:
I would once again replace all the ellipsis (...) with periods again. Ellipsis never helps poetry in my view unless its at the end of a stanza/poem. Periods would make your words more direct, definite. I really love the lines though. Really great ones
Again Ellipsis! It becomes quite redundant and takes away from the poem. I also suggest that you move the 'a' at the end to the next line. Use more descriptive language for light also, something that suggests something heavenly or other-worldly. Stuff like: *inserts adjective here* rays, curtains etc.
i = I
Always, always!
I suggest putting those last two parts together. Also period at the end of the last sentence, to finish off the poem.
Lovely job! Hope my review helped.
Kamas
Hey silent! Here as requested! I'll review it in two sections. Emotional, and physical.
How do you feel when you remember that night? Why was it worth remembering? Also, who is she? Your readers won't understand how you feel if they can't understand what you are going through.Emotional: Poetry is made to make the reader feel your emotions. I sense in this poem that you are sad about this persons death, but you need to make the reader feel what you are feeling. Honestly, some parts sound almost like you are happy.
Physical:
This whole paragraph needs to be rephrased. How about instead of no wind chill, have it be chilly. It would make a good metaphor or simile.
If you have any questions, feel free to message me:)
-Princess
Love it! I really can't review what I love.
Love the image of the wind being the messenger of bad news it's quite original¬
Only thing I would say is maybe to think a little about the structure - perhaps a free line between the past tense and the new present at the end there... and just try and use structure to the effect of making it flow more.
love it though, its heartfelt. Can i ask (i know its cheeky) if theres any truth in this poem? ie. did this actually happen? Because if not, it's bloomin fabulous. Even if it did, its touching! well done