a rose for the abused..

Tha last words took my breath away....it's really worth reading, though there are some moments, that do not sound as they are supposed to, but all in all it is a very good work

This poem was really deep. I liked the way you used symbols at the end. The way it changed from long lines full of pain, to short lines filled with symbols. I can't really explain it, but it was good. That is all I have to say. I can't find anything wrong with it, it was wonderful

wow....ur writing in this poem was really good!it was too deep for me to understand, but it was really awesome!and i liked the first stanza...it was the most understandable to me. i think the deepest part of your poem was the very end. That had to be the most confusing part to me, but keep writing!

Well The Two by four didn't fit it killed the mood, if you used another sort of weapon it would fit perfect. Nevertheless your poem is lovely, I loved the last stanza. I Hope your proud of your work.

Thank you all, so much. It means a a lot to me.

Hi! Great poem. My only problem is that you say "peddles" I assume you mean "petals", like those on a flower, not pedal like others have suggested.
Overall, great work!

Silented,

Absolutely beautiful! Skimming through most of the reviews, I think the blatant errors were already mentioned, just don't forget to go back and fix them ^^. The last stanza was innovative and had an amazing effect. The descriptions you used throughout really depicted the scene well.

The only thing I would suggest is to clean it up a little. Be sure that you are using the most effective words possible. Also, there are certain repeated phrases,

I remember the blood spilling,
ever so clearly, this line is unnecessary
smashed in the face
with a 2 by 4,
my body rolling down the hill
landing in that very field.

Its here I lay
ever so softly

I like the poem it reachs to people. I could image what was going on. I think that it did flow well but not so well in some places. the words for the poem are ok. The abuse to the kid come be different. The name to the poem stands out. It stands out a lot to me because my half brother was abused by his mother. So I could see that happening because you don't really know who is getting abused.

thank you all...reading these new comments really cheered me up...thank you all so much =]

if you'd like to read more i do have a blog too

Hi.
I loved your poem. It was vivid and clear. It was also subtle yet at the same time, hard hitting.
The 2 by 4 doesn't seem to be the best way to kill you MC off. Try for a softer means of death...perhaps being beaten to death in the field? (I mean write it softer, as being beaten to death is hardly softer!) It screams abuse more than a 2 by 4 does. That screams a one off rage.
The last line made me shudder-I love poems that do that! I think it was the child's abused remains being compared to a rose that clinched it for me.

All in all,a superb poem.
Can't wait to hear more,
Woozey

silented1 wrote:I see the field now
with the golden sun,
the kid in the grass,
the blood on him.

Superb! The poem is very good.

But, I really couldn't figure out the second stanza. What really happened? Was there was some war going on?

I remember the blood spilling
ever so clearly,
smashed in the face
with a 2 by 4,
my body rolling down the hill
landing in that very field.

he setting sun,
upon the open field,
where we played and laughed,
we fought
and I cried.

I remember the blood spilling
ever so clearly,
smashed in the face
with a 2 by 4,
my body rolling down the hill
landing in that very field.

Its here I lay
ever so softly,
the world spinning,
my eyes closing,
left to wonder

why.

Fading from my own view,
I begin to watch myself
from the sky,
the bird's eye view,
twisting and soaring,
leaving my body in ruins.

I see the field now
with the golden sun,
the kid in the grass,
the blood on him.

And it is here I see
the rose of my life,
my blood
its peddles,
my body
the stem,
the field
my home,
the sun
my release.

This poem is just magnificient.
I dunno what to say, well maybe because I am not a good reviewer.
Well anyways I am doing this because I have written a story and now I dont have points to submit it.
Well anyways your poem was genuinely nice.
Keep it up.

I loved it! Although like everyone else I'm gonna say maybe not the 2 by 4 and I'm almost 100% you meant petals. Peddles and pedals don't work in there.
Really beautiful though! And the Title is amazing!

Wow! You were really clever here, especially with the title that you used! That was just pure genious. The poem was very good. It was deep and the words held emotion if you know what I mean. Good work and keep it up you are very talented! Let me know if you ever need a review!

This is gorgeous, absolutely lovely. I loved it, but it took me a while to work out what you meant by "peddles." By reading the next few lines, I figured out that you meant "petals." Other than that, I don't really have any other problems with it. I think it's the emotion of it all is the best about it. Again, I loved it!

silented1 wrote:I remember the blood spilling
ever so clearly,
smashed in the face
with a 2 by 4,
my body rolling down the hill
landing in that very field.

I love this poem. I think it is written beautifully and from the heart. I can picture this perfectly from the way you wrote. The first stanza has to be my favorite, I just love the way it flows. =)

Wow okay. This poem confused me just a tad, but oh well. It was poignant nevertheless, and gee, that person deserves a good whack in the head with his own two-by-four for what he did to you!

Hey Eddie! I decided to review...

Also, here, where Demi says: Yeah, I think you definitely meant "pedals", because "peddle" means "to sell."


I think she means petals, because a pedal is the thing on a bike

Nice!!
I like it!!

Wow, that was amazing. But it was the laast stanza:
"And it is here I see
the rose of my life,
my blood
its peddles,
my body
the stem,
the field
my home,
the sun
my release.
that really blew me away. I love how descriptive you are. Bravo!!

Wow, Eddie!

This is good; I can honestly say that you've come a long way. Your poetry is steadily improving (and even if you don't think so, I promise, it is ).

I like the whole 2 x 4 thing in some ways-- I understand that it's not only a literal expression, and so forth, but I partially agree with Tiff on that it stands out; incorporate it into your poem a little more, dear, and make sure the surrounding stuff fits with it (meaning, make sure that they carry the same tone, and that what comes after doesn't seem too different from the rest).

Also, here, where Demi says:

Yeah, I think you definitely meant "pedals", because "peddle" means "to sell."

Hey Silented, here I am as I promised!

The setting sun,
upon the open field,
where we played and laughed,
we fought
and I cried.

its peddles,

may i get some more reviews ?

You have done it again silented. You awed me. I love this poem, but like they said the 2 by 4 didn't fit. Other than that it is amazing.

Wow, this is very impressive! I'll second the above review on that one stanza, though. It feels out of the flow of the rest of the poem.

Also:

Fading from my own view,
I begin to watch myself
from the sky,
the bird's eye view,

its peddles,

First Impressions

The images that you've created give a clear picture, but one stanza in particular doesn't seem to fit the rest.

I remember the blood spilling
ever so clearly,
smashed in the face
with a 2 by 4,
my body rolling down the hill
landing in that very field.