I would only like reviews on the main / finished piece, please. And there's a total of 10 drafts, I just wanted to post the beginning bones of this.
___
Thought surrounds me, like
the wind running in every direction
around glass forged from sand.
I am a beach,
where concepts crash
and wash away.
Like a picture in the sand
hollow stones are memories,
smoothed from jagged shells,
that hold an essence.
Like a tablet
lost at sea;
writing is.
__
First draft
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Heya, Silented.
I guess that what I'm trying to say is that I'd like to see you taking this a step further. Elaborate the imagery some more, the wording, the flow... Just everything, I suppose. I think that with a bit more editing and some more touching up, this really could be an epic poem. Sorry I don't have much more to say... xD
You've already gotten some lovely reviews here, so I might end up struggling a little. Plus, I think that this is actually very good, so I might fail on the whole finding something to critique part of it... I will try!
I'll begin with saying that I really adored the last stanza of this; I thought it was clever and you worded it in such a simple way, but it didn't at all fall flat. Personally, I fail at writing poetry, so I found it wonderful how you managed to have the whole poem as an extended metaphor. I wouldn't even try to do that! Even though the poem was an extended metaphor, that fact didn't distract me from the overall idea of the poem. I often find that happens with me, so well done.
It's rather annoying because there's something I want to bring up... but I can't quite put my finger on it. I think it's just that although this poem is good, I'd like to see you expanding on it a little. I don't know... Make more of it, maybe? I have read some of your other stuff before, and this one probably isn't my favourite. I just think that you can do a bit more with the idea. Make it bigger... That kind of thing.
I have a bit of a and...? feeling right now. It's like I'm expecting more. I really suck at explaining this...
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
Hey Eddie!
I love metaphors so this is right up my street. You describe things very well and clearly. I think the mention of glass and sand in the first stanza sounds very delicate and fragile, and the image of a beach is very natural. It conveys different feelings - the sharpness of jagged shells, the smoothness of stones and the coarseness of sand, and perhaps that also represents emotions and thoughts and the memories attached to them - that's just what I get from this. You have some well-formed and well-written ideas. One thing I would say is that I can't really tell if this is a positive poem or not - I mean, there's no indication whether the memories and thoughts you refer to are happy or sad, angry, wistful, pleasing, etc. But perhaps that is just part of the mystery of the poem and up to the reader to decide.
I enjoyed the First Draft the best. As a reader, the biggest thing i peronally look for is word choice. If the words can flow, and sound intelligent, and of course the writing hooks you in, I'll definately want to read it. Your first draft is what created the best imagery in my head.
That sounds beautiful. It's my favorite part out of all the drafts that were posted.
I heart this, Eddie! =D
Okay, Edders we shall begin. I'm a little rusty a poetry reviewing so I shall do this a bit at a time. Now as often as I say it, I liked this piece, unfortunately for you as you seemed to have done many drafts, it came across sadly it rather dismissive and uninteresting, I understand that is harsh so I shall explain why. When I've read your poetry in the past, it really stuck with me, not so much with this, it just seem nice. I shall elaborate further on my point of view of this.
It's not a promising start, it's very meh, and to be honest not really the grip you need. I suggest removing 'I am' and begin 'Surrounded by thoughts in every which point' after that try rushes instead of 'run' and the end came out rather randomly but my mild suggestion is. 'forged from decades of sands'
Here we seem to get more into the stride, personification of beach and the line 'Where concepts crash' really rings out and is great to say. The ending a tad disappointing for this one, my suggestion is take away 'Into the sea' sounds better now doesn't it?
This stanza has rather interesting imagery and great a picture, my only suggestion for this line is remove 'Of an ocean' it doesn't need to be said and it makes the poem a little more subtle.
I've one thing to say about this bit, it's the only part of the poem I shall remember, and it just perfect, really puts me into a mood for deep thinking. I like it, although instead of full-stop at the end try ellipses.
Overall, I like this piece, it's certainly not qualify as your best, but it's hardly your worse, with a little more work, and some more imagery, I reckon this piece could deserve a Like. Until then, keep me informed, I'm willing to review this again, as the whole idea I especially think if excellent.
I thought it was lovely and very clever. Loved the extended metaphor.
One suggestion is that the line 'like a picture in the sand' sounds a little akward for some reason; I think it's because of the repetition of sand with no symmetry in the meter.
Anyway, I loved the portrayal of thoughts in relation tot he world - beautiful.
Hope this helps, keep writing
Dear silented, I have missed your work so much. I enjoy reading it so much! This just made my day. I really only have one comment that I will post below. Other than that, this is simply amazing.
[quote="silented1"]___
I am surrounded by thought,
as the wind runs in every direction
around glass forged from my sand.
I am a beach,
where concepts crash
and wash away into the sea.
Like a picture in the sand
hollow stones are memories,
smoothed from jagged shells,
that hold the essence
of an ocean. I felt like the imagery on this one lasted to long. The others are short and to the point and this one drags. You could split it into two stanza's and that would be better. This could just be me though.
Like a tablet
lost at sea;
writing is.
__