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Fly me

by silented1


@flamingphoenix

Fly me around the world,

who would have thought that the states

actually looked like a map?

With the words etched in on mountains.

Pennsylvania, good bye.

let's meet in japan,

where you flew in from italy,

it'd be fun while you're on break from university.

We could see some fresh anime,

and get some authentic ramen.

and we'll finish our summers there,

underneathe neon tv's light,

we'll finish our summer there.


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1011 Reviews


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Sun Aug 25, 2019 7:51 pm
alliyah wrote a review...



I think this poem has the start of nice imagery, but it doesn't really develop into a narrative at all. I'm intrigued by the line "Who would have thought that the states / actually looked like a map? With the words etched in on mountains" but I have no idea what it means - that's probably the most unique and concrete imagery, but like I was saying earlier it doesn't really develop or go anywhere. This poem is a bit like an appetizer without the main course.

Here's my suggestions:

Make the Speaker more Concrete

The speaker is saying good bye to somewhere that they've visited, I'm not completely clear is they're leaving the US to go to Japan or vice-versa, and I don't really understand why Italy is thrown in for the one-line. That's premise has the possibility of holding a lot of emotional appeal - but we don't really get to hear what the speaker things about all this, what their feelings are. By making the story a bit clearer about what the speaker's going through, and what their thoughts are, you'd make the poem connect more with readers.

Draw out your metaphors & imagery

This poem has a few starts of metaphors (the line about words etched in mountains) and a few starts at imagery (neon tv, "fresh anime") but it doesn't really go anywhere, you don't add enough unique details for the reader to really dwell on the images. A mentor once told me that writing should be set up somewhat like a movie camera -> there should be close-up-shots and long-distance-shots, in other words, there should be moments where we dwell on tiny details and moments where we draw back and look at the whole picture. I don't think this poem quite gets there - especially in terms of the close-up moments. Try adding more specificity to key moments in the poem to improve the imagery and metaphors.

Fix the Grammatical Issues

My last comment is that you have some grammatical inconsistencies -> you capitalize the name of a place (Pennsylvania) in one place, but then later you don't capitalize "italy" or "japan" this makes the poem seem a bit sloppy, which can distract readers from the content of the poem so do take care to take a second look there.

I believe "underneath" is spelled without an "e" at the end too.

Alright, hopefully those suggestions give you some areas to work with! Good luck in editing! :)

best,

~alliyah




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Fri Aug 02, 2019 9:46 am
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riancarthy wrote a review...



Hey! I thought this poem was very nice! From the flow, to the title, it was lovely. I agree with @FlamingPhoenix , the title did suit the actual poem very nicely. I loved imaging out this poem, the idea in my head. I really really did enjoy this and didn't really see any mistakes, just a bit of missing capital letters, here and there, and maybe a spelling mistake, but apart from that i really didn't see anything to fault you on. I hope you carry on with your craft as you are very gifted, and all the very best @silented1 !


-@riancarthy




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Thu Aug 01, 2019 1:35 pm
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FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hello, FlamingPhoenix here with a review for you like you asked me to on this lovely day, and to help get your work out the green room.

Okay let's begin.

So if I had to say something could be changed is that it would be nice if you put some riming words into your poem, but other than that this was really good. I couldn't see anything else wrong with this poem, well if I'm honest the words not riming isn't really a big problem.

Anyway I really liked this poem, I though the name was rather fitting and it kind of told me what the poem was about in a small way.
I thought the flow was really good, and it a rather exciting read. I mean with this poem I had know Idea what would happen next. I like the way you put the different country's in that was a really clever idea. And the way you told us what we could find in Japan.
This poem told quite a nice story too, and it was very interesting to read, and I enjoyed everything about it.

So as you can tell form my review I just adored this poem, and you shouldn't say your poem is bad, you should believe in yourself, because this poem is way better then any of the once I have written. So do keep writing amazing works, because I really do look forward to the next one. Have a great day or night.

Your friend
FlamingPhoenix!
Reviewing with a fiery passion!!





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