Her..

I’m not sure if it’s intentional, but I could see/feel the rhyming scheme. Therefore, this piece should be a poem, rather than a short story.

I could sense the struggle of the narrator to convince their beloved to stay. Towards the end, they realise it’s no use because the girl has given up. I thought it was a bad breakup at first, but towards the end, it becomes clear that there’s more to it. The last line’s harsh for the speaker, like he has finally accepted the reality. This poem was raw. I could sense the panic and rush, so I don’t think it’d be suitable to dwell on the emotions/feelings of the speaker, or it'd take away the urgency.

Overall, good work!

Well done, and keep writing!

I really do like this but I feel like it's missing some sort of emotion. No matter how sad you are that someone leaves, there's always that little bit of anger that they're actually doing it. For me, having just a hint of that anger in this would have made it so much better. Still, this wasn't bad. I actually really did enjoy reading it.

Lily

The scene definitely has potential, but I feel there is emotion missing. Especially with this point of view you can afford to tell us exactly how we're feeling, as an audience, and strike us with the poignancy of the scene. The intensely dramatic theme is left dry by the lack of really, emotion or reaction. Overall, it has promise.

Hey silence0please,
I really liked what you wrote. I can imagine what it feels like to loose someone you really love and need in your life as I have lost my dad at a young age. I have never been in a relationship before, but I can imagine how it is to be in love with someone you desperately need in your life. And I hope this kind of situation does not happen in my life when I finally meet my one and only. That would be awful and I cannot imagine how I shall cope with the loss. This is really sad and touching.
There are a few errors in punctuation, like a few missing periods and an apostrophe, I think, but you could always fix that. Your grammar and spelling is alright, and clear.
So, as a conclusion your piece was really nice and very touching and I could really feel the emotions and I cannot help but relate indeed to the person who lost his love.
I hope you continue to write and improve some more and lots of luck to you!
Au revoir and take care!

Alright angel, I'll try not to murder you with grammar considering you've only been in America so long. I just wanted to let you know that you should probably look through it again for capitalization and such. Your grammar isn't half bad compared to what it usually is, (no offense) so good job! Anyways, I love the basic concept and idea portrayed here. You describe it fairly well and the emotions and struggles of having a loved one commit suicide.

Great job, I look forward to reading more of your works!

Really nice... Sad and touching in so many ways. I love the whole story, and this is one of those times when quality really makes up for quantity. Just a few things I wanted to point out... The first couple of lines ryhme. I'm not sure if this was purposful or not, but it begins to sound like a poem, which was slightly confusing, so you might want to play with that until it sounds less poetry like. Also, there are some little errors, such as line three states "start into her eyes" (I'm assuming that's supposed to be stare?) and on the sixteenth line down, there should be a capital 'I', so just watch out for little spelling and punctational errors like those. Overall, this story was one that I felt deep down inside me. It was touching, and saddening, and hooked me on from the first word to the last. Really great job!