Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Art » Dramatic

E - Everyone Language

Impermanence

by sidmonkey


I am a trained illiterate. 

Afraid of the monkeys in the valley.

They weren’t there to block my way. They lived there.

Logic is fear when faced with nature.

I was so afraid to cross to the waterfall on the other side.

Cowardly, I turned back to the little shack. It was hidden in the vastness of an unclear promise.

It was a place you’d notice only while crossing,

but it made you feel like you’ve earned your rest.

A monk sat beside me and a woman I didn't love.

She wanted me to cross to the other side.

But I wasn’t ashamed of defeat anymore.

I was with a woman I didn’t love at a place

where I once laughed with the one I did.

The crackling of dry leaves from the skirmish

of monkeys sank into the whistle of the

valley breeze, and I felt a sudden chill

through my spine that made the sunset feel ominous.

There was warmth of the tea cup in my nervous palms just before

the fracture of glass echoed my self-loathing.

I offered to pay for an entire tea set. The tea maker generously accepted my offer.

Silence. Just like that. Silence. The monk said impermanence, and left. 


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
103 Reviews


Points: 81
Reviews: 103

Donate
Mon Jun 14, 2021 6:53 pm
illy7896 wrote a review...



Why did this spark something inside of me that I can't explain? Well, because it was marvellous! I don't understand why this wasn't reviewed before because this just got me heartbroken.

I loved the rhyming, which at first appeared to be a little off but eventually, it all flowed together and made up this truly wonderful sequence of sadness and grief and cowardice. It described human nature and life in a really thought-provoking way and even, in some sense, depowers the human species and shows them how they are no more above any other form of life.

Afraid of the monkeys in the valley.

They weren’t there to block my way. They lived there.


This makes me wonder that maybe the speaker was afraid of something that was not against them, which symbolises a lot of humanity's irrational phobias and that everything in the world does have a place and is not your enemy, however just an obstacle to overcome. Monkeys as a species are also synonymous with cheekiness, childishness and even ignorance, which can further indicate that the speaker feels threatened by the presence of naivety, but soon realises that it is an inevitable thing that happens to all people at some stage in their lives.

Logic is fear when faced with nature.


This quote also brings me back to my point that man is no greater than the natural world, and that the arrogance of man and his knowledge has blinded him from the true world in its true form.

of monkeys sank into the whistle of the

valley breeze, and I felt a sudden chill

through my spine that made the sunset feel ominous.


The use of enjambment here just really sets the tone and separates each realistic image of life into divided thoughts.

the fracture of glass echoed my self-loathing.


I loved this line because it illustrates how delicate we are and that we can break, sometimes because of our own 'self-loathing' thoughts and ideas. And even the fact that the glass only fractured when the speaker was holding it furthers the idea of isolation, indifference and self-contempt.

After looking up the word impermanence: 'the state of not lasting forever or not lasting for a long time', I have noticed how each idea perfectly reflects this word.

I was with a woman I didn’t love at a place

where I once laughed with the one I did.


This quote supports this because it demonstrates how things end differently from how you imagined them to end, and that you will always be reminded of the past and how the things that you have and love never really do last and that time moves, throughout it all. And the moral of the poem just made me think so hard about the consequences of our decisions and this is such an insightful piece of artwork to express how you feel about this subject of time, futility and death.

That last line brought it all together and left the audience questioning the whole meaning of the poem and how each line affects the other. A poem like this one has to be read at least twice to be understood and I love that in a poem because it makes seemingly unrelated thoughts into a clear, concise
idea about an important theme that not many of us are willing to confront.

Cowardly, I turned back to the little shack. It was hidden in the vastness of an unclear promise.


Personally, I loved these lines but to avoid repeating the word 'it' too often and making things seem a lot shorter and less complex, you could say,'hidden in the vastness of an unclear promise' I believe that this would shorten things and make it more poetic by connecting the two phrases together.

Conclusively, I absolutely adored this piece of work and I strongly suggest that you do carry on writing (if you like to) because you are really good at it and this struck me in so many ways. Thanks so much for this amazing piece of poetry!




User avatar
31 Reviews


Points: 51
Reviews: 31

Donate
Mon May 24, 2021 7:58 pm
YellowSweater wrote a review...



From that opening line, you really got me thinking. This whole piece feels kind of timeless. It's elusively allegorical. I actually really love it. I love the tone and the content!

Here are a couple of specifics critiques: "Cowardly, I turned back to the little shack hidden in the vastness of an unclear promise." Because of the structure of the rest of the poem, I would break this sentence into two sentences and two lines. Maybe something like: "Cowardly, I turned back to the little shack./ It was hidden in the vastness of an unclear promise. " I feel like this would make it both verbally and visually cleaner.

In the middle of the poem, there are two lines where you switch to the second person: "It was a place you’d notice only while crossing,/ but it made you feel like you’ve earned your rest." - I don't think it really matches the tone of the rest of the piece. It feels a bit less polished.

Did you mean "Self-loathing"?

One more suggestion, you might want to consider having only a single space between each line. I think it might make the poem easier to follow.

Once again I really really loved this piece. It was enigmatic, sophisticated, and philosophical. Very poised. I really enjoyed both feeling and contemplating your words. I look forward to reading more of your work! - YellowSweater!



Random avatar
sidmonkey says...


Hello YellowSweater. Your words of encouragement and critique made my day. Thank you.




It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.
— Mark Twain