The First Poem I wrote when I was 14
I don't know how to say this ,
the words walking through my mind .
I can't put pen to paper ,
the sentence I can't find ,
for the feelings deep inside my heart .
I pray to god above ,
for the right words to tell you ,
how much I have fallen in love .
Pls frnds do comment or I cant improve my poems. I appreciate it.
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I liked it, I wouldnt change a thing, it flowed perfectly and it was just overall good.
You're fourteen?
So am II am way older than all you whippersnappers. Okay, I'm a dirty liar. Anyway, as people said above, the spaces before the commas and the periods are distracting, annoying, and unneeded. Another thing I noticed was you drew the same sentence to the next stanza when, quite frankly, you didn't need to. If that had not been broken into lines, it would be:I would suggest taking out both the "this" and the comma in the first line, so it would be, "I don't know how to say/the words walking through my mind." It flows much better. As for the second sentence, I'd suggest either rewording it so that it fits into one stanza, rewording it into two sentences, or making each stanza have five lines and adding another two to the end of the second. Because, again, it's confising to have the same sentence go into the next stanza. Another thing...
You don't need any of these commas. And shouldn't "god" be capitalized? Something else I noticed was that this poem only talks about how you don't know how to describe it, but you really, really love this person. If you want to make a good poem, try to describe it. Description and imagery, or lack thereof, can make or break a poem. It's also a little short.
Hope I helped!
>>Annie<<
I really like this poem. The emotion is very nice and the only problems I see is the one above ^, and the spaces before every comma and period.
All in all, great!
Keep writing,
Alzora
Hello there. :3
Are you from India? I asked that because your name tells me that you are from India. Well, I am from India.
Nitpicks
You need not put a space in between a word and a comma, it’s kind of irritating. So you better get that straight at first. The flow was off in the second line itself because it was longer compared to the other lines. It could have been this way: Words keep walking through my mind. The last two lines confuse me. If you cannot find the sentence you are searching for, then how are you supposed to put pen to paper? It is obvious. And if you separate this stanza from the other then why did you end the last line with a comma rather than a period?
This stanza totally lacks flow and rhythm. Even though you rhymed the two words above and love but it didn’t do any good in keeping the stanza in rhythm. It didn’t feel good. Change the second line to: I pray to the God above. And capitalize God.
It was great attempt for you at the age of fourteen because I couldn’t even write a single line of a poem then; you can say that I couldn’t even understand a poem. But you did well my friend and you could improve a lot if you stick to be on YWS a lot. I hope my review helps. If you have any queries just let me know.
Keep writing.
this is very cute:)
I have to agree with inkwell here that the spaces before the commas and full stops aren't needed. They look confusing, detached and is generally really distracting. It also stands out quite a lot, which drew my attention away from the actual poem. Which is not good, so, I'd suggest you fix the spacing up.
Also, another thing, 'God' in there is supposed to be capitalised as inkwell pointed out.
I don't think that the flow sounds quite right. Well, I don't think it was as nice as it could've been. I think that might have had something to do with the phrasing. Some sentenses you could've phrased better. Maybe play around with the words a bit. Like this:
You can turn into this: I know not how to say this.
That's just an example though, and not a very good one at it. But, do you get what I mean here?
The poem's flow can be improved. I see you have a rhyming pattern there. You did that quite well and managed to stick to it throughout the poem. Also, you kept the lines to the same topic whilst rhyming. Good job on the rhyming.
The spaces after before the end-line punctuation are annoying, distracting, and inappropriate. Besides that, this is a good poem for being 14. I particularly liked the personification of your words, "walking through my mind."
"god" needs to be capitalized in this context, and the last comma should be a semicolon.
Thanks for sharing and welcome to YWS.