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125,003 Literary Works • 672,791 Reviews
I appreciate and understand the sentiment of this poem. However, its delivery can definitely use some work. In particular: the flow, the diction, the tone, and the imagery. The flow in this is what needs help the most. I have a habit of going on and on and on in my poetry, personally, and I definitely don't suggest that but don't restrict yourself in the sense that you have here. You switch between tones of informality and formality, and the flow is awkward in both of them. Your phrasing creates a good amount of the awkward feeling I take away from this, such as in lines like "...original sin came/and the drought followed/ and the deaths, they tripled." Rather than awkwardly placing this here, don't be afraid to stretch it out. What I mean by that is that rather than just quickly summarizing that little piece of imagery right there, give a feeling of what that means. That's a really short phrase for a good amount of emotion; composed in the way you have it here, it's choppy, it's reductionist, and it's frankly just not working. This is also apparent in the beginning of the poem where you seem to create a scenario involving a "she" that you never quite make relateable. If you want us to feel outraged, or angry, or feel the injustice of such a situation, make it HUMAN. Make her human, show us her pain or her innocence in the matter or whatever, but right now that falls flat.
Spread out your words a bit, don't be afraid to cross multiple lines with one idea or lengthen your lines in general. Expand in your imagery, select a single tone in which to address it, and work on the diction. The diction is also creating this feel of inconsistent tone; pick what kind of words to use, and stick with it.
Right now, this feels more of a rant than a poem. Rather than addressing us from a distance saying, "Here, this is what I believe, you can't touch it," help us to understand, maybe even consider thinking that way as well, or at least understand why you do.
Anyways. That's all I have, I think, don't be afraid to message me for questions.
Tense shift. They can be used effectively for emphasis, but this is just jarring and doesn't make sense, especially since it causes this line to fight with the next for attention and impact.
The coherency of this stanza is a bit lacking, which leaves me wondering what its significance is in addition to why it's significant. For example, why "she" and "her soul"? What is Hell's intention? The ambiguity of the latter in particular really detracts from this stanza.
Also, are you or are you not rhyming? The awkward structure of the first line of this stanza makes it look like you were trying to rhyme.
Should be "there".
"Moonshine shined" is extremely awkward to say, aside from being rather redundant.
Blah blah blah. Relevance? How does this relate to the "she" of the first two stanzas?
Should be "slaughtered". Odd capitalization is odd as well.
These three middle stanzas honestly strike me as being filler. They follow the exact same formula without being particularly creative about it. Something good was, but then something bad happened. Boring.
Rather than have three stanzas of pretty much the same thing, I'd suggest having only one. I'd also recommend using more creative imagery, but I'll expand on that later on.
Should be "worst". Also missing a space before the y in "you".
And out of nowhere comes a rather obscure and misused word which clashes rather egregiously with the simple language of the rest of the poem. There's also a rather substantial disconnect idea-wise between this last stanza and the rest of the poem. I'm going to assume (based on the title) that the ideas expressed in this final stanza were the main intention behind writing this poem, and that is all fine and dandy, except the rest of the poem really doesn't work to support these ideas.
The poem, as a whole, is extremely disjointed. There are three main sections: about "she", the repetitive middle, and then the final stanza. There really needs to be more unity within the poem itself.
I would suggest taking a good, long look at this poem and figuring out exactly what you want to say with it. Anything that does not directly support this main goal needs to be gotten rid of; it's distracting noise.
Once you've stripped things down to the bare bones, take a look at what's left and figure out how to present it in a more visceral manner. Poetry can affect the readers' emotions in ways no other written form can, but there's nothing in here at the moment that really elicits an emotional response. The inclusion of vivid imagery would greatly help this poem get the message you want across, in addition to making this piece memorable.
Right now, there is a rather pervasive sense of vagueness. You use adjectives, but they're empty, partially because they're common and therefore a bit overused, but also because there is no significance really attributed to them. Take "peace" for instance: "peace" is a very vague concept in and of itself and encompasses many different situations. If you were to describe exactly what kind of peace there was, however, your readers would be able to relate to your poem more.
Is the peace more of a drowsing contentment type, or is it more the aftermath of unspeakable disaster type? Is the peace itself an element of the setting, or is it an active force? Considering these things (and describing them accordingly) will help you build memorable and vivid images that will allow your readers to connect emotionally to the poem.
Right now, there is no emotional connection, and that greatly reduces any impact your poem might have had.